Published January 17, 2012
I can see it in your eyes
I could hear it in your voice
You need to say no word
It's hard to make a choice
I'm sure that deep inside
you know how I feel
Silence can be my sound
"Bote" it all was real
still the wound I'll make
Is hard for me to heal
There's much inside me
but words should not be spoken
I can hardly bear,
leaving your heart broken
Your senses are my senses
What you think is what I think
I used to see my life in black,
But now I see it in pink
There's something I have
Something that I must say;
With all we've been through
A dark or a lighted day,
From life we can learn,
How to choose our way
Nothing is for free
I have a price to pay
You are strong enough
To face the stormy night
To take the road of life
To fight with all your might
I have never told this
But you have to know
we can no more be
"Bote" it's time to bow
A heart in love is blind
Still I follow my heart
What happened had to happen
We had to take a part
We don't know what is next
Or how.. this will be
So always be so sure
You mean a lot to me
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey there
So starting off, I can see you need to add in some more punctuation. One wise person here once told me to try writing my poem, thinking of it as I would write prose, and then punctuate it. That really helped me, so I hope it helps you too.
Secondly, I can see that sometimes your lines don't sound natural. For eg.:
You need to say no word - in stanza one
still the wound I'll make
Is hard for me to heal - in stanza two
There's much inside me
but words should not be spoken - in stanza three
You can see how you would normally speak to express this idea and how you express it differently here, that really adds an effect to your flow.
Also, I like your fourth stanza best ^_^
I can see you make this into a really beautiful piece, but I think to do that you'll need to cut back on the words - sort of compress your ideas a bit more, and describe your feelings with more details or basically in novel ways.
I wish you the best and I hope this review has helped ^_^
~Duke
hi Duke; first thanx for the advice, it seems very helping. I usually don't pay attention to the punctuations
glad you liked it and i'll try to add some more to it.
thanx a lot
Oh no dear, punctuation is quite relevant. It tells the reader how you want the poem to be read, get it?
And you're welcome, glad to help
The first thing that came into my mind upon seeing this poem: Why is the text colored?
The second: What is going on with the punctuation?
First impressions are rather important in poetry, and right now, this poem's first impressions are not exactly the best. You might want to fix that.
This line doesn't make as much sense as it should. It's rather awkwardly phrased, especially since the common form uses the plural "words".
The think/pink rhyme here feels really forced, even though, after thinking about it for a moment, I can see that it's a reference to viewing the world through rose-tinted glasses, or even seeing pink. Even though it makes sense thinking about it that way, it just isn't intuitive, and it still feels forced. You could perhaps rephrase the last line of this stanza to "But now I'm seeing pink" to more immediately make the reference clearer. It will help make the rhyme far more natural and the meaning, intuitive.
And here we have another case of forced rhyme, though I'm not sure how to fix this one. It just feels put in there for no apparent reason except to rhyme, which is why it feels forced. If you can make this line a bit more relevant (and less trite), the rhyme will be more likely to work.
Never told who? Rather important point to address.
Know/bow in this case is not a rhyme, even though they might look like rhymes, and the pronunciation of "bow" that does rhyme with "know" makes no sense in this context. Additionally, "we can no more be" is a very awkward phrasing that's inverted for no apparent reason. "We can be no more" is far more intuitive and smooth-reading.
A part of what?
Ellipses have three dots. That said, why are there even ellipses here? It makes no grammatical sense.
"So" is extremely repetitive in this line. I'd suggest rephrasing to "So always be certain".
Overall, I'm still left wondering what is going on with the punctuation. You have some, but it's inconsistent, and you need consistency. Right now, the poem as a whole raises a lot of questions and leaves them unanswered, which severely weaken it as a whole. Answer those questions. Make sure your lines make sense. And be more consistent with your punctuation.