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Confusion

by aseel


Some time has passed,

Since I've seen you last

Words grew grey,

And shadows did cast

Beauty, love, care

Doors opened wide

Chances everywhere

But heart unsatisfied

She dreamt of skies,

Of colours and clouds

She sang for certainty,

Now sings for doubts

This road or that one?

Which direction to take?

Speak loud or keep silent?

What difference will it make?

Be her? or be him?

At least she's not fakeĀ 


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:59 pm
Amethyst101 says...






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Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:25 pm
Hadj wrote a review...



Hey there,

Initial Thoughts/Critiques
This poem was interesting. My first comment was going to call out your rhyme scheme- which being inconsistent as it is, brings some confusion and hurts the overall flow of the poem. But I see that's already been fully discussed below so I'll save us both the trouble- (and maybe confusion was the feel you were going for anyways). I overall enjoyed this poem, although some of the lines did feel a little cliche.

Analysis
I'm not sure whether I interpreted as it was intended so tell me, is this poem in fact about a male wishing (s)he were female?

Some time has passed,
Since I've seen you last

I felt here that the speaker is referring to his/herself. The entire poem seems to be about choosing what you want to be, and it seems the speaker has been playing something they are not for "some time".

Words grew grey,
And shadows did cast
Beauty, love, care

These lines are a little less straightforward than the rest of the poem, but I assume you are referring to empty/thoughtless/judgmental responses about the definitions of "Beauty, love, care", and how people may not understand their deeper meanings. I did feel that "Words grew grey" could have used a few extra syllables in order to flow easier, and I also felt that this idea taking up three lines felt awkward after the two line introduction. As I read, the next line felt like it should flow as part of this idea, rather than move on to the next one.

Doors opened wide
Chances everywhere
But heart unsatisfied

I got the feeling you are talking about the numerous opportunities the speaker has open in their life, but that not of them are truly satisfying because they do not fulfill the speaker's actual desires. Again, the three line breakup felt a little awkward, especially after the next idea seemed to continue with the even-line-count structure from the beginning. These lines did feel a little cliche, but got the point across nonetheless.

She dreamt of skies,
Of colours and clouds
She sang for certainty,
Now sings for doubts

Seems to me as though the speaker's female half was happy and carefree. This section solidified the transgender theme for me because of a seemingly intentional lack of subject in the last line. It seems as though the first three lines here describe the speaker's feelings when they embrace their femininity, while the last line reflects their doubtfulness and hesitation as a male. I did like these lines quite a bit. Assuming my analysis is accurate to your actual intentions, it did a good job of subtly making a point, and drawing contrast between two halves of an individual.

This road or that one?
Which direction to take?
Speak loud or keep silent?
What difference will it make?

Again, rather cliche lines. Not much to be said here other than the fact that they could probably be spiced up with some originality.

Be her? or be him?
At least she's not fake

Assuming what I've taken so far is accurate, these lines are very straightforward. The speaker cannot decide whether or not to embrace their femininity, but resolves that it is better to be true to themself.

Overall, great work here, I hope this review was helpful and that I actually understood the ideas you were going for. Best of luck and keep writing,
hadj.




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 3:58 pm
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ChocolateCello wrote a review...



'Ello! It's Cello!

With all honesty, I enjoyed this poem, but it felt rather cliche. Open doors, choosing roads to take, 'what difference would it make'. All (in my opinion) fairly classic lines. There's clearly some emotion here but you could have done a far better job at incorporating it. One thing I've found helps poets is to start just writing what you're thinking about. Put it in simple words, like you're just talking to a friend. Then go through. Put things into verses. Add detail and elaborate in a way to pull the reader in. This poem, although written well, didn't pull me in in any sense. I felt like I was... well... reading.

Another thing that bothered me a bit was your rhyme scheme.

Some time has passed,

Since I've seen you last

Words grew grey,

And shadows did cast

Above, you have AABA.

Beauty, love, care

Doors opened wide

Chances everywhere

But heart unsatisfied

Here, it's ABAB.
She dreamt of skies,

Of colours and clouds

She sang for certainty,

Now sings for doubts

ABCB (At least that's what it sounds like to me)
This road or that one?

Which direction to take?

Speak loud or keep silent?

What difference will it make?

Be her? or be him?

At least she's not fake

ABCBDB

I'm always one for consistency, and this poem has none. You change the rhyme scheme to fit your preference, which is fine, as your rhymes are subtle, but that's something to keep an eye on. Consistency helps to make sure you don't distract the reader. If a reader is reading a poem and is caught off guard by an unexpected rhyme or rhythm change, it pulls them out of the story or poem. For the most part, you were fine in this work but at the end the rhyming made me stop and reread.

You clearly have a great talent when it comes to writing. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:11 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there aseel! Niteowl here to review for the Sanguine Warriors this fine Review Day.

Honestly, I don't think the rhyming is serving you well at all in this piece. It's very difficult to make rhyme work well. It's not just about the ending words--it's about the meter and the meaning too. A lot of poets choose rhyme over what would actually make the most sense. I would seriously consider rewriting in free verse or using free verse in the future.

I also think you could do with more specific imagery. Words like "beauty, love, care" don't really mean anything, or they mean so many things to different people that they're almost meaningless.

She sang with certainty,

Now singswith doubts


I think this is the strongest idea in the poem. It's interesting and I don't feel like I've read it before. If I were rewriting this, I would work with the idea of music and her voice showing the security (or lack thereof) in their relationship.

Overall, I think there's a decent idea here but the weird structure is holding you back. Keep writing! :)




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Sun Jan 10, 2016 4:16 am
brokenbeastxx says...



I loved this, but you could always make it or longer or put more emotion into it. The scheme in it is good too. If u were to not rhyme though and focus more on the feelings that would work great. You could always go back to it later and try doing this in several other ways. This is amazing though!




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Sat Jan 09, 2016 9:19 pm
Melody25 says...



Hey there.
Its Melody25 here!

I liked how your poetry described the honesty of your feelings. It's an innocent, yet painful and heart touching poem.

Just try and write a little deeper next time. Xx

I overall loved it :)



Have a nice day. Xx




aseel says...


hey Melody25,
glad you liked it. And noted ;), I'll try to make it deeper next time. Thanx for the comment




What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare