Suicide death scene in my Fante-esque "novella"

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Young, talented writer Archie Bell was found dead of an apparent suicide Tuesday. He was found in the Guitar Eastern Motel with the script of his phenomenal book Trip To Cleveland placed upon his chest. It has sold 1 million copies in its first week on the shelves. Bell has already been compared to such prestigious authors as Ernest Hemingway and Walt Whitman.”

Trip To Cleveland feels heavy on my chest. It’s pushing me down, I’m slowly eroding in between the goddamn coffee and cigarette stained pillows on the bed. They’ll find me, and they’ll find my book, and I’ll find fame. All I need to do is pull the trigger. The trigger of this .44 Derringer. One click and its done. Two clicks later and it was done.

Well this is a pretty tough scene here. You've managed to stuff quite a lot of emotion into a scene that happens to be so short. This tiny introduction itself seems to be extremely mysterious. On the surface this death seems so unlikely on account of this being the murder of a person that's in a very successful point in life and is probably at the height of their powers rather than anything else, but then the message there suggest so many more layers to it and suddenly you're not so sure of what's happening. Well, this is quite something here.

The blood is draining out of my face. I can feel my brain melting onto the bed. Man, what a mess they are going to have to clean up in the morning! Consciousness is passing; I can feel the dark specter of lifelessness slowly creeping. But it’s a sweet dark, the end. Down the old road to home, down the dark tunnel to fame. The life is draining out of my body as I demise in the Guitar Eastern Motel. What does it all mean; Jesus & Mary Chain and Lou Reed? One shot to the head, and let me tell you, it feels so good. It was the only thing to do.


Archie Bell’s works were never published

Hmm well that is definitely quite something there. Although I do have to wonder how this would factor into the end of a novel. To have so much mystery there that remains unsolved, or I guess maybe we see a few more things earlier that explains it all in that case disregard this, but well, this is a very mysterious death and the description their while oddly peaceful is also scary. The of course there's that one final line. Now that's quite a powerful statement to end on there. I was not expecting to run into anything like that...but well, I think that makes for a ending that will certainly stay in your mind, but also an ending that seems to be a pretty sad one here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Arturo, allow me to welcome you to YWS! The name's Stella.

I. NITPICKS

"10 I CAN SEE IT NOW.

Is this a chapter heading or something completely random?

“Young, talented writer Archie Bell was found dead of an apparent suicide Tuesday.

This seems a weird way to open an article. Is this how articles you read open? And dead of an apparent suicide Tuesday? Apparent Suicide Tuesday sounds like an event. Break it down, make it clearer. Look how articles are written.

One click and its done.

it's.

Two clicks later and it was done.

Wait, wow, he just killed himself? That wasn't much of a climax! It doesn't even have a paragraph to itself.

The blood is draining out of my face.

Did he shoot himself in the head? Don't you die instantly?

Alright.

II. OVERALL

This is too short to say much on. Firstly, you mentioned CitR, and I can't help but notice that your style is very much like it- right down to the use of "goddamn". Which is fine, it's always good to take inspiration. But Catcher in the Rye is an extremely unique style and any mimicking of it can be noticed almost immediately. So I'd be careful about that.

Secondly, I think the scene could be stretched out much more. He doesn't hesitate at all, and then he has time to think afterwards, even though he's dead. I don't know how well it works for other people, but for me I'd prefer to see him go through all his issues before he pulls the trigger, since that's generally I think what people do (on account of them being dead afterwards). Not that I've ever killed myself, so I don't know.

I'm going to trust that you've done enough character development in the rest of the novella for us to actually feel some sympathy for him. Right now, I just kind of don't care. It doesn't affect me, because it's not a particularly stirring scene and I don't know the character.

So my advice would be not to be afraid to draw it out, and make us feel a little more for the poor guy.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hullo there, arturobandini! Welcome to YWS! I'm iceprincess, and I'm here to review. (Well, duh.)

Never take myself too seriously as i know im not gonna write something thatll change the world a.k.a Catcher In The Rye.

Really. Well, J D Salinger didn't think his book would become a classic either.

arturobandini wrote:"10 I CAN SEE IT NOW. “Young, talented writer Archie Bell was #0000FF ">found dead of an apparent suicide Tuesday. He was found in the Guitar Eastern Motel with the script of his phenomenal book Trip To Cleveland placed upon his chest. It has sold 1 million copies in its first week on the shelves. Bell has already been compared to such prestigious authors as Ernest Hemingway and Walt Whitman.”

Firstly, is "10 I CAN SEE IT NOW" the title of the death scene? If it is, I suggest you move it to the top of the paragraph instead putting it in front of the opening sentence; if it isn't, I think you'd better not put it in caps, as it feels like you're shouting. Actually, putting anything in caps isn't a good way to express anything in particular.

Also, I think the part coloured in #0000FF ">blue doesn't flow really well. How can the newspaper be sure that Archie died of an "apparent suicide"? In what condition did they find him?"

One click and its done. Two clicks later and it was done.

A little bit too repetitive, don't you think?

The life is draining out of my body as I demise in the Guitar Eastern Motel.

I think it's a bit too formal for your writing style. Not that I don't like it.

Well, I thought the whole death scene was pretty good! Keep writing, and if you have any questions, you can PM me.

~iceprincess =]