Published December 10, 2008
Your heart keeps beating
As mine turns black
This is the end...
That you will never comprehend
And as we impart
Blood drips from my heart
Will I get through another day,
When every one I live is so gray?
You're not worth my time
But then why am I breaking inside?
You don't know that your sidelong glances
Have lost all their chances
That I'm gone
Have become totally withdrawn
There will be no more dawn
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141,453 Literary Works • 674,466 Reviews
Thanks, I really appreciate the criticism from both of you.
I tend to just like trying to rhyme, and don't pay attention to... anything else. Gotta work on that.
First off, this poem needs some editing. Your punctuation is a bit off, and you need to fix those mistakes. I like the message in the story, but its the average, teenage love angst poem.
It could be improved on. The rhyme scheme isn't constant. With some editing I feel that it could be alot better. I don't like the flow of the last two lines, that can be fixed with revision.
If you have any questions, or need a review, PM me. I really haven't mean to trash your poem, only to tell the truth. It's to make you a better writer. So good luck, and keep writing.
I like the poem alot and I think the whole break up message is cery clear.
However, the rhyme scheme varies in some places, and in my opinion would be better constant.
The last three lines are a little weaker, and I felt that the second adn third last lines had to be really read into to make sense, maybe just revise those ones.
However, like I said, the mood is clearly set and I enjoyed reading it since I got the message clear and early. Good poem.