Your heart keeps beating
As mine turns black
This is the end...
That you will never comprehend
And as we impart
Blood drips from my heart
Will I get through another day,
When every one I live is so gray?
You're not worth my time
But then why am I breaking inside?
You don't know that your sidelong glances
Have lost all their chances
That I'm gone
Have become totally withdrawn
There will be no more dawn
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks, I really appreciate the criticism from both of you.
I tend to just like trying to rhyme, and don't pay attention to... anything else. Gotta work on that.
First off, this poem needs some editing. Your punctuation is a bit off, and you need to fix those mistakes. I like the message in the story, but its the average, teenage love angst poem.
It could be improved on. The rhyme scheme isn't constant. With some editing I feel that it could be alot better. I don't like the flow of the last two lines, that can be fixed with revision.
If you have any questions, or need a review, PM me. I really haven't mean to trash your poem, only to tell the truth. It's to make you a better writer. So good luck, and keep writing.
I like the poem alot and I think the whole break up message is cery clear.
However, the rhyme scheme varies in some places, and in my opinion would be better constant.
The last three lines are a little weaker, and I felt that the second adn third last lines had to be really read into to make sense, maybe just revise those ones.
However, like I said, the mood is clearly set and I enjoyed reading it since I got the message clear and early. Good poem.