Return of the Gods #1: Artemis (Intro and Chapter 1 - Version 2.0)

Dear listener,

Sorry this had to be an audio recording instead of writing or typing. I desperately wish we could have written this down, but I'm afraid we didn't have that opportunity this time. We had to accomplish our task as quickly as possible, before they cause any more damage. I know a lot of rumors have been spread about us by the Officials. By the end of reading this, you'll know what actually happened.

Do not let this get in the wrong hands: If you do, there's no telling what the Officials will do to you. They will do anything to destroy this. We're depending on you to keep our story safe. We've protected the recorder with the best protective magic we could do (which admittedly, isn't too much). It should be enough to help you finish listening to this story and hopefully spread the word to everyone who needs to hear it.

This quest isn't over, far from it, but the beginning of our story is here and the other Realms must know that we are not their enemies. We need all the help we can get. There's only one thing that will decide whether people in other Realms will know the truth: you.

You could just as easily take this recording, destroy or ignore it, and never think about the Clan ever again. But if you choose to do so, you will also destroy any chance the Greek Realm ever had of overthrowing the Officials. Make your decision, and I ask you to choose wisely. Or else, welcome to a never-ending nightmare. For the entire UR.

Alex Andeler






1. Alex

"Happy birthday, Alex!" exclaimed Claire.

"Shhh! Keep it down! Remember, no emotion or personality! Besides, my assigned birthday is October 3," I said.

"I know, I know. But this is your real birthday!"

"Claire, can we please do this later? I have to get to Bored Out of Your Mind 101."

Okay, there really isn't such a class, even here at the Institute. I was talking about Good Citizenship, which is basically a bunch of crap that's supposed to tell us how to be exactly the same as everyone else.

I'm guessing you would like to know more about exactly what was going on and why I had an assigned birthday and why we had classes such as Good Citizenship. I suppose I should start with my name. Or names, I guess. I technically have three different names. My best friend Claire calls me Alex (obviously). My full name is Alexandra Marie Juliet Andeler. My assigned name is Bookworm because I'm always reading something. The Institute Controllers think it's great that I'm reading the (pathetic) books available. But that's only what they think I'm reading. The truth is I found a secret library. It's all the books the Officials confiscated.

You're probably wondering how I found such a thing. When I was about five, I was wandering around the Institute looking for something to do. Even then, I knew what the Officials were telling us was nonsense, and I had stopped listening the year before. It was between two classes, which would eventually become the time I would explore the Institute and visit the library for new books. Anyway, I found a large room with a beautiful marble floor and decorated walls. It looked like it belonged in a mansion. I figured the Officials came there for parties or whatever [I was five, Claire, how was I supposed to know Officials didn't have parties! You still listened in class!] Then I looked at the floor. There was a half sun, half moon design. There were sparkly golden stars on the moon side. I noticed something strange on the largest star. That star wasn't shiny like the others. I stepped on it and the tile suddenly moved.

I was shocked to see that it revealed a stairwell. I went down and the tile closed behind me. There were endless wooden shelves of books. I was absolutely astonished. I had never been in a real library before, so this sight gave me quite the surprise. That day, I picked my first book from the secret library. It was a picture book. The tile opened for me when I left and closed again when I left. Since then, I'd been hiding books from the library behind "approved book" covers. But recently, I hadn't been so good about changing the book cover I used. Let's just say the Controllers thought I'd been reading Your Job And How You Are Selected For It for a long time.

Claire and I spent more time in the library than anywhere else. We taught ourselves everything we needed to know. We picked books from the library and we would study from them. You probably think that two kids reading books from a secret library wouldn't get very far. But that's not true. From what I could gather, I was beginning to read college level science and Claire was working on calculus. As you can probably tell, I love science and Claire prefers math. Claire and science do not get along.

Now, moving on. I think it would be good to describe me and Claire next. I have golden blonde hair and big bright blue eyes, which is a big contrast from the dark brown hair and eyes of everyone else in the Officials' society. It's down to my knees in a braid, because Claire refuses to let me get my hair cut with the "citizens". She cuts her own hair but won't cut mine because she says I look better with long hair. I personally think she's full of crap. Or maybe she just doesn't want me to be like the robotizens in any way. Either way, I don't mind the hair. To be honest, I think it's kind of cool. It's also wavy, which shocks the "citizens", who all have completely straight hair, free or any little curls or waves. I'm of average height and weight for my age. I'm average height and weight for my age. I get the same exercise and food as everyone else in the Institute, so I suppose that makes sense. I'm a little taller than the others, but that's also to be expected considering they were all engineered to be the same and Claire and I were the only ones that would bring normal human variation.

Claire has light brown hair. If it was a little lighter, it might be considered dirty blonde. It goes a few inches past her shoulders. She has sea green eyes. She's also about average "citizen" size. She was always trying to think of plans to break out or start a revolution or something like that. She felt the world needed to be changed and become what it was before. I agreed with that, but I didn't think we should be the ones to do it. I just wanted to do my best to fit in and not get in (too much) trouble while not becoming a complete robotizen. It's harder than it sounds. I appear to be paying attention in class (even though I'm usually reading). I also apply everything we are taught in class whenever a Controller, teacher, or fellow "student" is around (such as the monotone, the expressionless face, the march-like walk) . The only time I don't do this is when I'm with Claire.

So what's next? Oh yes, the Institute itself. Every baby born is sent to an Institute. They stay there until they turn eighteen. They are trained to be good little servants and workers for the Officials. There's an Institute in every state/province. Or, if the country is small enough, there is one Institute for the whole country.

How are Claire and I normal even though everyone else at the Institute is basically a robot? Our mothers were the last normal people when the Officials turned everyone into robots. They were going to give in when they found out Claire and I were going to be born. They managed to hide from the Officials. Claire's mother was captured the day after Claire was born, and my mother managed to hide with baby Claire for a little while longer, until I was safely born. We weren't sure why we were so important that they would risk their own well-being and lives for us. The Officials found my mother where she was hiding and found us there as well. I'm not sure what happened to my mother, but the Officials brought us to the Institute. My mother hid a note explaining everything I just explained to you (you know, the whole bit about why we were still normal) in my blanket. The Officials eventually found it and destroyed it, but not before I read it.

Anyway, I should probably get back to the serious plot now. It was my thirteenth birthday and Claire was off to Approved Jobs for Citizens. That whole place is a load of crap. [Hmm. You're right, Claire. Maybe I do overuse the word crap]. During class, I tuned out and went back to reading my book, the last book in the long-banned Harry Potter series. Apparently it fills your head with insane and false ideas of your own personal ability. I think they banned it just because it's a work of creativity, which is obviously frowned upon in Official society. Claire says I've read them each a hundred times. I have not, but she insists on doing so, probably because she knows it annoys me.

I made it through classes until lunch. I didn't remember a word of any of the lessons, and I was very proud of myself for that. I had been trying to listen to things that are important or interesting (like how to not get in trouble at the Institute), and tune out of everything that's useless or not true (basically everything else that's taught in Institute classes). I had no idea that good mood would wear off within five minutes of sitting down at lunch.

I found the table away from all the "citizens" where Claire and I usually sat. We had the usual bread, potatoes, mixed vegetables, and water. After thirteen years, it gets REALLY annoying. Of course for the first year it was formula and baby food, but still. Twelve years isn't much better. I'm sad to say Claire and I did NOT find a secret kitchen.

"Alex," said Claire. I really wanted to tell her up to shut up. I didn't want to get in trouble with the Controllers. But I was completely sick of monotones and I needed some originality, so I let her talk.

"Don't you think there should be more to life than this place?"

I nearly choked on my bread when she said that.

"Are you crazy?" I demanded, ignoring the fact others were starting to stare.

"I'm dead serious. We'll just graduate from the school of robotizens and go out into the world of robotizens. We can't do this forever. You know that."

Robotizens is the perfect word to describe them, I thought. But I knew Claire was right. I'd been spending most of my life trying to ignore the laughable stuff the Institute tells us. The Officials have told robotizens this is a better life for everyone. That people won't have to worry or think about anything. That by letting the government take over your entire life, you are doing yourself a favor. Knowing the truth about the Officials probably helped.

The reality is the Officials have ruined the planet. They have bent real people into robotizens. They started making robotizens to ensure no one can rise up against them. While the robotizens have been enjoying their luxurious lives in enclosed cities, the Officials have destroyed entire bodies of water and the atmosphere. Plants can only be grown in select areas. And the robotizens simply do what the Officials say, without any questions or doubts.

But it wouldn't be a good idea to escape, right? It wouldn't help anyone. We couldn't change anything. But it had to be better than pretending to be robotizens forever.

By the time I finished this entire train of thought, lunch was almost over. I stacked my tray in the pile and turned back to Claire.

"Haven't we been through this before? You've said so many times you want to leave," I said.

"I know, I'm serious this time. We need to get out of here," she replied.

"Why now?"

"Because I heard they were considering increasing the age we stay here to twenty."

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. Don't you see? This society won't change unless we at least try to do something to change it!"

"I need to think about this. Meet me in the library later."

That last part was whispered. At the next convenient time, I snuck away to the library. I went to the back of the library, where there was a table with two chairs.

"So how do you plan to get out of here? The Controllers would probably catch you if you even tried to walk out the door," I said.

"I suppose I could help with that part," said someone emerging from the shadows.

It was our Citizen Creations (that's the only class that requires anything that resembles creativity) teacher, Ms. Duncan. At least, that's who I thought it was. She still resembled Ms. Duncan, but her hair was now lighter than the robotizen shade, her eyes were green (they seemed to be turning blue before our eyes however), and she was smiling.

"Are you an undercover Official or something? Are you here to send us to jail for conspiracy and treason or something like that?" demanded Claire.

"No. I'm not. I'm here to help you. But you need to look at the book on this table," she said.

"That's my genetics book," I said. "I put it there earlier because I wanted to look back at something in there."

"Are you sure that's the only book there?" she asked.

I looked back at the table. I picked up the genetics book and found there was a small paperback underneath it. I knew it wasn't there when I put the book down. I looked at it, and found it was called The True Book of Greek Mythology. Greek mythology? How was Greek mythology going to help me and Claire get out of the Institute?

"You're serious? This is the book you want us to read? I've already read plenty of books on Greek mythology. Nothing in them could help us get out of here," I said, suspicious.

"You don't have to read the whole thing. Just skip to the last chapter," Ms. Duncan said.

I sighed and opened the book, deciding it couldn't do any harm.

"Wait! If I read this whole chapter, it'll make me late to class! I was already late last week for taking too long to pick a book down here," I remembered.

"Alex, we're talking about getting out of here. If you want to get out of the Institute, being late to class should be the least of your worries," said Claire.

She was right, I decided. I looked back down at the book.

"Well, it says that the Greek gods and monsters still exist and have always existed. The gods are the only way to overpower the Officials. Bringing back the Olympians would be first. They could then bring back the minor gods," I summarized.

"Well, the gods wouldn't have let the world become like this, so I'm guessing the Officials defeated the gods and sent them into hiding, and did what they pleased," said Claire.

"Precisely," said Ms. Duncan. "And we need you to bring them back."

"But if the Officials defeated the gods already, why couldn't they just do it again?"

"The gods learn from their mistakes. And even if it comes to fighting again, then the gods will have you on their side. Oh, and of course your future friends as well."

"Future friends?"

"You'll understand, when the time comes."

"If you aren't a robotizen teacher, and you're not an Official, who are you?" I asked.

"My name is Iris," Ms. Duncan answered.

Iris? That sounded really familiar. Then I remembered. Iris was a goddess in mythology. Of course. Well okay. We had a goddess posing as a teacher. Greek mythology was real. And somehow we were supposed to save the world by bringing back the gods. And it wasn't even certain doing so would defeat the Officials. It sounded ridiculous and far-fetched, but I figured whatever happened couldn't be worse than what was happening now.

"You're a goddess," I said. "Iris, Greek goddess of rainbows."

"Glad you noticed," she said.

Then I noticed her eyes again. They were changing color faster now, flashing through all the colors of the rainbow.

"Why are we so important to you? I mean, you're the goddess here! Shouldn't you be doing all this saving the world stuff instead having two teenagers do it?" I demanded.

"Because Zeus has forbidden the few remaining minor gods from doing anything."

"But why would you ask a few mortals to do it?"

"Mortal? You're both demigods, Alex. In fact, your father is the most powerful of the gods, Zeus."

"But the Officials have ruled the world for longer than thirteen years. If the Officials defeated the gods before taking over the world, then how are we demigods?"

"Gods are not mortal. They are not specifically one thing. They are essentially energy, that can take whatever shape it wants, such as a mortal form or an animal form. So they all have multiple forms and not all of the energy is always in the same place at the same time. Wherever Zeus is, part of that energy has escaped and has returned. Your mother, the last known non-citizen, combined with the power of the most important god created someone that could help the gods regain control."

"Hello? What about me? Why am I important? Yeah, I get that Alex is all great and everything, but what do I have to do with this?" demanded Claire.

"You are essentially the same way, except your father is Poseidon. Parts of Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades have returned. There are six of you special demigods, and you will all work together to complete this mission if everything goes well."

I know by now I might have already confused you. So before I go any further into the story, I guess I should explain a bit about Greek mythology. There's twelve major gods, called the Olympians. They're Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, Artemis, Apollo, Athena, Demeter, Ares, Hermes, Aphrodite, Hephaestus, and Dionysus. There's also lots of minor gods as well. Zeus is most powerful of the gods. He's god of the sky and his brother Poseidon is god of the seas. Many of the Olympians had a reputation for coming down from Mount Olympus and liking mortals, producing half-human, half-gods called demigods. These demigods were more powerful than regular mortals, but they did not have all the power of a god. They were also wonderful targets for monsters. The stronger the godly parent is, the stronger the demigod is. The stronger the demigod, the more monsters they attract.

Now we finally knew the answer to the mystery of who our fathers were. Claire and I were never really very concerned about this, because it wasn't very important at the Institute.

Iris handed me a small book and a red backpack.

"Go and bring these with you," she said.

"And we're supposed to get out how?"

"Oh. Right."

She picked up a compact mirror that was on a nearby bookshelf.

"Have you ever wondered why there's no other mirrors in the Institute?" she asked.

"All the robotizens look the same?" I guessed.

"Yes, but there's another reason. They don't want anyone to portal."

"Portal?"

"Portalling is the easiest way to travel. You open a portal through a mirror and you can go anywhere. You just have to know where you're going."

Iris opened a portal through the mirror.

"I must stay here. You two go through the portal and begin your quest. Good luck, I hope to see you soon," she said.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Greetings, artemisathena!

Wonderful, absorbing text. I really enjoyed reading it. My tips for you in order of importance:

#1 Keep it as short as possible.
#2 Don't talk down to the readers
#3 Keep it real
#4 Clarity is beauty
#5 Keep the typeface regular

The following might look scathing, but I really like your work :)

#1

This is huge. More than three thousand words, and all of eight pages. What's more, it is loaded with information dumps, where you tell the reader about Alex's history, her situation and the institute. But here is the magic: you can cut a lot of that stuff out! Pretend that you are being paid for this work, but for every unnecessary word, a part of your salary is deducted. I'll show you an example later in the review.

#2

"Now, children, we are going to have a story. Do you want to hear it?"
This is not exactly the best way to draw readers into a story. You do it to a lesser extent in places like this:

I'm guessing you would like to know more about

You're probably wondering how I found such a thing.

I know by now I might have already confused you. So before I go any further into the story, I guess I should explain a bit


It is part of reader preference, though, so don't let me stop you, if you really want to keep to this style.

#3

This is my teacher. She just told me Greek mythology is real. She just told me that she is a goddess. She said that I was a demigod.

Does Alex believe all of this? Just like that? After seeing the Officials ruthlessly brainwash everyone and abuse the planet? She should have picked up a healthy portion of skepticism by now. How come she trusts the teacher so easily? Keep it real—she should be much more suspicious and careful than that! How could she survive as long as that without some more sense? She also talks out loud about really un-robotizen-like things over dinner! She should be more careful. These Officials cannot control the world by being stupid and letting un-brainwashed people slip through their fingers!

Even though this is a fantasy work, the characters should be understandable.

#4

I am a bit confused as to what this entire story is. Is it audio or text? Keep everything very clearcut. I am not sure at times what you are referring to in the first part—only the introductory part, or the entire story? Clarify. Also, the tense of that part is wrong. Imagine that Alex is sitting somewhere, just before the mission. She would not have said this:

Sorry this had to be an audio recording instead of writing or typing. I desperately wish we could have written this down, but I'm afraid we didn't have that opportunity this time. We had to accomplish our task as quickly as possible, before they cause any more damage. I know a lot of rumors have been spread about us by the Officials. By the end of reading this, you'll know what actually happened.


I'm bolding the corrected verb, and I'm going to remove unnecessary parts. Take a look:

Sorry this is an audio recording—I don't have the time to write. We have to accomplish our task before they cause more damage. The Officials have spread many rumours about us, but this text contains what actually happened.

It's not perfect, but it gives you an idea. And keep it short. If they have so little time, show it in a very abrupt message. No need to waffle on forever about how badly the Officials want to destroy this.

#5

Not really necessary, but keeping the text size and typeface the same would make it all more reader-friendly. Highly recommended.

Another quick nitpick: Don't sacrifice character development and dialogue for expansive (and possibly expensive) explanations.

Apart from this, I really liked it. Keep writing!

User avatar
zohali93
Review

Hi there
This version is better but still it needs a bit more.

So first of all, the audio message. It said that it would explain later on in the letter about what happened, but really I don't see what happened in it. Also I think it's better for the warning to come first before the message.


So you started off by explaining how you found the library which is better because now readers know, compared to the last. But I think its more important to let us know about the instituiton first. So that finding the library actually seems like a better thing.

I think you do more telling then showing. What I mean is insted of telling the details, you can give it out without saying it exactly. Like instead of plainly saying that 'he liked her' you can show signs of him liking her. Thats what I mean.



You tell us the details but we feel nothing. Thats another thing. Your chapter doesn't give out any emotion to the readers. I feel nothing. You should try and get readers hooked. Try and get readers into the story.


You were told yo were going at a fast pace before. I'm glad to see you slow it down alot. But I think the way your story moves from one scene to the next is just missing something in between. At least the Iris part is now more believable. But try putting yourself in your character's shoes. Think about the situation. Think about how you would really react to Iris's name being mentioned. Would you think it was a goddes or just a name?

I think you do even better. It's just not hooking enough. I like the way you narrate the story though.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions ask me.
-Zo

User avatar
PrettyInPink
Review

I do like this story so far but there are just a few things that I would like to point out. When you say:

"We've protected the recorder with the best protective magic we could do..."

This sounds a bit redundant. The fact that you've already said it's being protected means that you don't need a description of the type of magic being used. At then end where it says we could do maybe there is another way to phrase it. It sounds a little choppy.

The last thing that I want to caution you on is when you use the phrases such as, "I'm guessing you would like to know..." and, "You're probably wondering how I found such a thing..."

I personally think that this story is intriguing enough without these introductory lines. It also breaks up the flow of the story.

Overall, I was really sucked into this story and I hope that there is more to follow this. Good luck and happy writing!

--Pinky

User avatar
Rav1209
Review
Rav1209 wrote a review · Sun Jun 17, 2012 6:22 am

Nice story so far I love you incoporated greek myths! It's really awesome. You have a few repeat sentences and it's kind of hard to tell who your talking about a few paragraphs in. This story has a good plot line but the whole recorded thing has me confused. Like if its recorded why is this story in exsistence(not trying to be mean). Just something to think about. You also have some repeated sentences which is a mistake i make all the time which is why it's good to reread something befoe you post it. Also I'm kind of wondering about the compact that Iris has, how did she get it past the officials. Also if theres no mirrors anywhere else how are they supposed to travel somewhere else? Oh and I like to say that I've read a lot of books on greek myths so if you get stuck on something please PM me I would LOVE to help!

It just needs to be opened by a mirror, the other end doesn't have to be a mirror.

User avatar
Rav1209
Review
Rav1209 wrote a review · Sun Jun 17, 2012 6:22 am

Nice story so far I love you incoporated greek myths! It's really awesome. You have a few repeat sentences and it's kind of hard to tell who your talking about a few paragraphs in. This story has a good plot line but the whole recorded thing has me confused. Like if its recorded why is this story in exsistence(not trying to be mean). Just something to think about. You also have some repeated sentences which is a mistake i make all the time which is why it's good to reread something befoe you post it. Also I'm kind of wondering about the compact that Iris has, how did she get it past the officials. Also if theres no mirrors anywhere else how are they supposed to travel somewhere else? Oh and I like to say that I've read a lot of books on greek myths so if you get stuck on something please PM me I would LOVE to help!



Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill