The Guardians of the Jrakkon Stone (Chapter 1)

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Chapter 1
The Water Guardian
Splash! I dove head first into the cool water#FF4000 ">.(Maybe add some more detail about the surroundings. Are they in a lake? Ocean? River? What’s around them? How deep is it? What does the water look like? Is it dark? Or perfectly clear?) The water felt like silk, brushing against me softly. I swam around the lake like a bullet, faster than Suki. The water seemed to push me forward.
“Hey!” My best friend, Suki, shouted as she splashed her way towards me. “Mizu, wait up!”
“Sorry,” I said#FF4000 ">(How did Mizu say this? Bluntly, shyly etc…), “it's a habit.”
“No kidding,” Suki said breathlessly. “It looked more like the water was pushing you forward!” Suki's long brown hair was tied into two pigtails.#FF4000 ">(I would put a comma right here instead of stopping completely) Her brown eyes shone like always.
“I don't know. I've always have been good at swimming.” I replied as we swam closer towards the shore. #FF4000 ">(What is the shore like? What is around the shore? Are there birds or animals? Etc..)
“Yeah, I can see that.” Suki said smiling. “Too bad I'm not as good as you.” We walked up the soft sandy beach, picking up our towels along the way.
“It's cold.” I said while wrapping myself up with my long blue towel. Suki nodded in agreement. We slipped on some slippers and headed home to change into a fresh pair of clothes.
“Here, wear this.” My mom shoved some clothes into my arms, when I had came #FF4000 ">(come not came!) out of the shower.
“Mom!” I complained. “I don't like skirts though.” My mom sighed.
“Alright then, wear whatever you want then.” So I threw on a simple shirt and pants and headed back to the lake.
“Phew,” Suki said when we met up again. “I'm tired like heck!” We were sitting on a small wooden bench that faced the lake. #FF4000 ">(Maybe try adding more description here.)
“I don't feel tired.” I said gazing at the sparkling lake. “Isn't that weird? Everyone is tired after swimming for only thirty minutes, but I feel like I can swim forever.”
“Yeah, that's really weird.”
“How long did we swim?”
“I don't know, maybe thirty minutes or so. How are you not tired? You were swimming, like, a lap per minute! I don't think that's even possible!”
“I was? I didn't notice that.”
“You didn't? That's weird.”
“It is, isn't it?”
“Yeah, it is.”
We sat in silence for a while. When I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, I jerked my head towards the movement.
“What are you looking at?” Suki asked. A deer with a bloody leg was galloping towards the forest that rested near the lake.
“Can't you see the deer?” I asked standing up. I had a sudden urge to follow the deer.
“Deer? What deer?” Suki, puzzled, stood up next to me.
“Near the forest.#FF4000 ">(This is a fragment try adding a comma here instead) Can't you see it?” I replied my gaze never left the deer that was now entering the forest. “I'm going to follow it.”
“Wait, Mizu!” Suki shouted at me as I raced after the deer. The deer seemed to gather speed, dashing through the forest. The deer stopped suddenly after minutes of running. #FF4000 ">(this last sentence seemed a little odd, try revising it and describe Mizu’s surroundings!)
“You did your job well.” A voice said. It seemed to be coming from in front of the deer. I tried to look around the deer, but only succeeded in hitting my head against a tree trunk.
“Ouch!” I said. “Who's there?” I turned towards where the deer was standing, but the deer was gone. In the deer's place there was an #FF4000 ">(a not an) young lady. Her elegant black hair flowed down her emerald green robes #FF4000 ">(you need a period here or continue the sentence.)
“Hello, Mizu.” She said with a kind smile. She was taller than me by a few inches or so. #FF4000 ">(I would have put a comma not a period here) Her brown eyes were filled with warmth.
“Who are you?” I asked. #FF4000 ">(how did Mizu ask this? Describe!)
“You don't need to know.” She said #FF4000 ">(How did she say it?). “I am here to warn you, to rouse up the power in you.”
“The power in me? #FF4000 ">(This is a fragment try rewriting it or adding a comma instead of a question mark) I'm not good at anything but swimming! I'm horrible at school.” I protested. This lady must be crazy! “Are you sure you haven't mistaken me for someone else?”
“The gods and goddesses have chosen. You are one of the Ones.” She replied. “I am a servant of the gods. I am here to tell you something.”
“But I can't-”
“You are one of the Chosen Ones. You have been chosen by the gods and goddesses. You are one of the Guardians of the Jrakkon Stone.”
Silence seemed to fill the forest. The birds that had been moments earlier chirping happily were quiet now. #FF4000 ">(What birds and squirrels? You need to describe them earlier this just looks like they appeared out of nowhere!) The squirrels that had been rustling around the bushes looking for acorns froze.
“What?” I asked, stunned. Was this some kind of prank? Some kind of joke? #FF4000 "> (This is another fragment try revising or putting a comma instead of a period)
“The Jrakkon Stone is a very valuable stone. Not valuable through money but through power.” (#FF4000 ">Another fragment again try replacing the period with a comma) She said softly. “You will soon find out. Troubles and enemies lay ahead. However through this great adventure you will gain friends that you will never forget.” She started to rise into the air. The air around her started to glow a faint golden color. “We will meet again. Be careful of your power, water guardian.”
Then she vanished. #FF4000 ">(This is a Negation use, you should revise this) No this wasn't a joke or prank was it? Besides, who in the world can make a lady start floating in the air.#FF4000 ">(question mark not a period) And water guardian? I'm a water guardian? Does that meant #FF4000 ">(mean not meant) that I guard the water? No, the lady had said something about a stone. Yes, the Jrakkon Stone.
“Mizu!” Suki raced to my side, panting like crazy. “Are you crazy? Running into the woods for an imaginary deer!” #FF4000 ">(Yet another fragment, try adding a comma or revising this sentence)
Jrakkon Stone. Jrakkon. The world we live on is Jrakkon. What does this mean? The world has a valuable powerful stone? Then why entrust it to a 16-year-old like me?
“MIZU!” Suki literally screamed my name. “Were you even listening to me? You were gone for an hour! AN HOUR!” #FF4000 ">(Another fragment)
“You sound like my mom.” I said. “An hour? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) But I swear I was here for like ten minutes!” Suki sighed.
“Come on, your parents are worried. Why were you in the woods in the first place? I didn't see any deer at all! What's with that look? You're really pale, Mizu. You look like you've just saw a ghost.” Suki chattered on and on as she led me out of the woods. But in my head, questions were bouncing around.
Who was that lady? And she said one of the Chosen Ones. That means there are more people like me. But why me? #FF4000 ">(fragment) Of all people, why me? I don't have magical powers. I'm not even smart!
“Oh Mizu!” My mom rushed over and looked me up and down, most likely searching for any cuts or something of the sort. “Where were you? Thank you Suki. #FF4000 ">(try putting a comma here instead of a period, this is a fragment) Mizu don't go running off again.”
“Mrs. Wakatsuki, I have to go home. See you tomorrow, Mizu!” Suki waved then ran off in the direction towards her house.
“Good-bye Suki! Thank you!” My mom shouted.
“Hey, there's my Mizu!” My dad came out on the porch and gave me a tight hug. “How many laps did you do in five minutes this time?”
“Not now, Atsuo.” My mom scolded. “Come on now, dinner's ready.” She ushered us into the house.
#FF4000 ">(what does the dining room look like? What are they eating? What is Mizu thinking, feeling? How much time has passed? Describe more!)In the middle of our dinner, my mom said, “So what were you doing in the woods?” I thought about whether I should tell them or not. I hadn't told Suki what I had seen and heard and decided not to tell anyone.
“Nothing, I just saw a deer that was hurt and followed it into the woods. I wanted to help him. But I got lost and wandered around for a while before Suki found me.” My tongue seemed to burn. This was my very first lie. Hopefully my last. #FF4000 ">(Yet another fragment, either replace a comma or rewrite completely)
My mother sighed. “A hurt deer? Poor thing.” #FF4000 ">(Rewrite or place comma this is a sentence fragment)
“Oh Fusa, still the same as ever.” #FF4000 ">(Another fragment) My dad said with a smile. “Just like when we were younger.” My mom broke into a fit of laughter.
“Ah yes, good days indeed.” She agreed.
“Mom, have you ever heard of the Jrakkon Stone?” I asked interrupting their conversation. I didn't want them to get into another one of those Remember-When conversations. They talked like they were grandparents or something.
“Hm? The Jrakkon Stone? #FF4000 ">(Another sentence fragment, try replacing the question mark with a comma) Don't tell me you've never heard of the story.” My mom said.
“The story? #FF4000 ">(Another Fragment) What?” I replied, confused.
“Ah yes, the story of the Jrakkon Stone. #FF4000 ">(Fragment) It is the most beautiful stone in the world. The stone has all sorts of colors, from red to purple. Every shade. Every color.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My mom explained. She had stopped eating and was gazing out the window that was behind my dad.
“The stone has immense power. The gods and goddesses decided that this stone was far too valuable in anyone's hands, including their selves. Some thought that the stone should be kept with the gods, while others thought the stone should be destroyed or banished from the world above. Finally, the gods and goddesses made a conclusion. They would entrust it in humans. So the gods chose six ordinary humans. These six were called the Chosen Ones but most people called them The Guardians or the Guardians Of The #FF4000 ">(of and the need to be lower case) Jrakkon Stone.”
“And is this true?” I asked, wide-eyed.
“Unfortunately, yes.” My dad said with a small frown.
“Tell me more.” I urged. The more I knew, #FF4000 ">(Get rid of the comma) the better, right? My mom took a deep breath.
“Let's see. The six Guardians were given each different kinds of power. Each of them had an elemental power. The elements they had were: fire, earth, air, water, metal, and lightening. They each could control that one power that they were given.”
“Which one do you like best?” My dad asked. “I would like the earth power.”
“Oh, I would want the water power.” My mom replied with a twinkle in her eye. “That would be wonderful.”
“And? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Is there more?” I asked, anxious.
“How come you've never heard this tale? My mother, or your grandmother, used to tell me it all day long. I'll never forget the story.” My mom said with a dreamy look in her eyes.
Oh dear. I hope they aren't going into another one of those When-I-Was-Your-Age kind of conversations. “Mom, is there more?” I asked.
“Of course there is.” My mom said leaning back into her chair. “I wasn't done. The Guardians were Guardians for a reason of course. They weren't just people with magical powers. When the Guardians turn sixteen, the gods send one of their servants – usually a young lady – to tell the Guardians that they are the Chosen Ones.”
I felt myself breathing faster. Did that mean that I was one of these “Chosen Ones”? Did that mean that I could conjure up magic like a magician?
“The Guardians are each given a different kind of weapon. Such as, let's see, sometimes it could be a sword, crossbow, maybe even nun-chucks. The weapons – if I'm correct – have the stone hidden in it. So when ever#FF4000 "> (Whenever no space between them) the Guardians are holding their weapon, they are stronger. Now, about the stone.#FF4000 "> (Fragment) The stone is very powerful. It can-”
“How big is the stone?” I blurted out. “And how can a simple stone make someone powerful?”
“Excellent question.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment once again) My dad said with a nod. “I think the stone's like this big.” He used his hand to make a circular shape that was probably as big as my thumb. My face must have spoken for me because my dad chuckled and said, “Yeah, ridiculous. A tiny stone can kill millions of people.”
“Has something like that happen before?” I asked. My parents' faces seem to turn dark. “Some one #FF4000 ">(Someone not some one) got the stone and killed a bunch of people?”
“Mizu, you really don't need to know this.” My dad said.
“No, I want to know!” I nearly shouted. “Mom said that she heard the tale all day long! How come I can't know?”
“About twenty thousand years ago, a man named John Bishop managed to get four parts of the Jrakkon Stone.” My mom explained quietly.
“Four parts? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) I thought that the stone was one stone.” I said.
“The stone has been split into six different parts. Each guardian has a part of the stone.” My dad replied. “Which means that Bishop defeated four Guardians.#FF4000 "> ( Okay so you should either say. “Which means that Bisop defeated four Guardians?” or “This means that Bisop defeated four Guardians.”) That left only two of them.”
“With the four stone pieces, Bishop was able to have four different elements at his side.” My mom continued. “He managed to destroy not only Oarena, but also Randdle.”
“Wait, so the stone gives whoever it is the elemental power? So with out #FF4000 ">(without is one word) the stone, the Guardians can't use those powers of theirs?” I asked.
“Well, they can still use their elements. They're just weaker.” My dad said. “Big surprise huh? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Never thought that anyone would be able to kill four Guardians, but then again Bishop had lots of followers with him. Bishop made a flood that he used to flood Oarena. And as you know, floods are rare in Oarena, so more than half the population there died. They weren't prepared for a flood, since floods are more at where we live, in Najep.”
“Then there was the hurricane in Randdle, which is also rare.” My mom said. “Hurricanes are really rare at every place, so...”
“Which means that this Bishop guy made the hurricane and the flood.” #FF4000 ">(This should either be “Which means that this Bishop guy made the hurricane and the flood?” or “This means that this Bishop guy made the hurricane and the flood.”) I said, shocked.
“Yes.” My mom replied with a somber face. “He killed over a million people in one day.”
“I didn't...” My voice trailed off. What was I supposed to say? That I didn't know that? Well, duh, of course I didn't know that or else I wouldn't have asked my parents.
My dad pushed his chair back – which made an ear-piercing noise – and stood up. “Well, that was a nice fine story there. I'm going to my room.” He left the dinning #FF4000 ">(Dining not dinning) room.
“Mizu, do you have any homework?” My mom asked me. “If you don't, help me with the dishes.”
“I've got math homework.” I replied, standing up.
“Alright. #FF4000 ">(Fragment, put a comma instead of a period) If you need help, come and talk to me.” She said as she began to gather the plates. I walked through the hallway to my room, where I sat down on the chair next to my desk.
“Mizu,” A voice said behind me. I spun around in my chair and saw the lady from the forest.
“Oh, it's you. Don't scare me like that.” I said. “How come you didn't tell me about the Jrakkon Stone and what it does? And what am I supposed to do?”
“I didn't tell you about the Jrakkon Stone because I knew you would be wise enough to find out yourself.” She replied. She was standing in front of my bed, #FF4000 ">(Use a semi colon not a comma) her brown eyes seemed to sparkle.
“Well, what am I supposed to do?” I asked. “I'm a Guardian right?”
“Yes,” She said. “This is a gift from the gods.” She held out her hand and there lay a blue bow and arrows.
“For me?”#FF4000 ">(Fragment rewrite) I asked. I thought about what my mom had said. “Is the Jrakkon Stone in here?”
“Shush!” She hissed. “You must not tell anyone. You must leave as soon as possible. The Guardians will be gathering here.” She pointed at a spot between two villages. “Use your powers to get there.”
“Why can't you just take me there?” I asked as I gingerly picked up the bow and arrow. “Whoa.”
The front wooden part of the bow – whatever you call it – was soft. “This isn't made of wood, is it?” I looked up and saw that the lady had vanished. I sighed. I still had so many questions. The bow seemed to slip about. It was like water.
There was #FF4000 ">(were not was) about twenty arrows, I think, and they were in a quiver. I slung the quiver onto my back. It was extremely light, so light it felt like it wasn't really there. I examined the bow in my hands. It felt soft and light. Like water. #FF4000 ">(This is a fragment!) Everything looked and felt like water. Was it because I was the Water Guardian? Then did the Fire Guardian's weapon feel hot? Would the Metal Guardian's weapon be heavy and made of metal?
There was a gasp and a #FF4000 ">(an not a) “Oh my” that came from my doorway. I glanced up and automatically shoved the bow behind my back. Obviously it didn't do much, because my mom stared at the top of my head, her eyes wide and surprised.
“Where did you get that?” She asked after a long silence that had filled the room.
“Uh...” I said, trying to hide the bow.
“I can see the bow and arrow, Mizu.” My mom #FF4000 ">(said) softly. She must have understood what I was trying to do. “Why didn't you tell us?”
“I didn't tell Suki.” I said pulling the bow out from behind my back. “This one lady who gave me the bow said that I couldn't tell anyone. And I just didn't feel that I should tell you. It's this feeling in my gut, that #FF4000 ">(This should be either “gut that” or “gut which”) if I did something bad would happen.” I was staring at my feet, feeling rather guilty for not telling them.
“Oh don't be silly. What's wrong with telling us that you're the water guardian?” My mom said with a half scolding and half happy tone.
“Water guardian?” #FF4000 ">(Fragment rewrite) My dad's head popped into the room. “How come I didn't know we have a guardian in our house?” There were huge grins on my parents' face.
“How do you know that I'm the water guardian?” I asked. My dad came in and stood next to my mom.
“Well, the first thing is that you have an abnormal skill at swimming. No one in my family has ever been interested in swimming. So it's not possible to inherit good swimming skills from my side of the family.” My mom explained. My parents were both sitting on my bed now.
“And my family is absolutely horrible at swimming.” My dad said with a chuckle. “Oh, I remember when Daiki was pushed into the water by the swimming coach. That was funny. Still hold it against him.” My dad smiled.
“And then the fact that your bow is blue. Your eyes are also blue. You also saw a hurt deer. The hurt deer is the gods' servant's pet. Used to lure in the Guardians, so that they can speak in #FF4000 ">(Another fragment rewrite or remove the comma) peace.” My mom said. “Haven't you noticed? We both have black eyes, while you have blue ones.”
“I did, but I thought that Grandpa had blue eyes.” I said.
My dad laughed heartily. “My dear, you are one funny girl. Yes, that's what it looks like when you look at those old pictures of ours. They're so old. I was eating a popsicle #FF4000 ">(Popsicle not popsicle) once when looking at it and some of the food coloring dropped onto the picture. It never came off.”
“But it looked like it was only his eyes!” I said. “How come you never told me?”
“Well, it certainly wouldn't hurt you.” My dad replied.
“So, what really happened?” My mom asked. I told them everything, from the part when Suki and I were sitting on the bench to the part where Suki found me in the woods. I told them every little detail, as much as I could remember.
“Interesting,” My dad said once I was done. “Very interesting.” #FF4000 ">(Another fragment)
“It's getting late.” My mom said standing up. “Oh dear, it's almost 11:50. Better get to sleep, my dear.” It was late. I looked at the clock next to my bed and it read 11:48.
My dad followed my mom out the room while I got ready for bed. I was about to go and say good-night to my mom and dad who were in their room, when I heard something that made me stop in my tracks.
“Mizu, is fine where she is.” It was my mom's voice. She was arguing with my dad. I stopped. I knew I shouldn't eavesdrop, but I didn't want to run in during the middle of their argument. So what was I supposed to do?
“But she has a destiny. You can't stop her from doing what she needs to. It's like how everyday she needs to go to school. This is her fate.” My dad sounded confident.
“No, she's going to get hurt out there. What if someone kills her? I can't live with that.”
“I know, and I can't even imagine not having her around. But we have no choice. The gods had decided. They have chosen our girl, what can we do?”
“Well, why can't the gods just choose someone else?”
“She needs to. This is her destiny!”
“Enough about destiny this and destiny that! So what? Who ever invented destiny? I don't care! I don't want them to take Mizu away from me!”
“But she needs to! Do you want someone like Bishop to take over the world? She should be out in the world fighting!”
“She'll be in danger! I don't want her to die! Not for some lame stone! Why did the gods even invent something so dangerous, if all they're going to do is throw it in the human world and watch humans kill each other? This isn't how it should be!” My mom was shouting now. Her voice echoed through our small, quiet house.
I heard my mom sigh. Then sobs. #FF4000 ">(Fragment) What should I do?
“I know how you feel, Fusa. We have no choice. This is the path that the gods have created for her. She can't run away. She can only go forward.” My dad's voice was kind and quiet.
“I-I d-don't w-want h-h-her to g-go.”
“Mom,” I stepped into the room and saw that my mom and dad were sitting on the bed. My mom was resting her head on my dad's shoulder.
“Mizu, you didn't hear what we said, did you?” My dad asked, he looked a little surprised.
I nodded.
“Mizu, I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. You need to go and fight the people who want the stone.” My mom had recovered, but she was still shaking a little.
“Mom, I don't really know if I want to.” I said.
“Why not?” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My dad asked. “You can show people your powers and then they'll give you free stuff. And I'm sure the gods will assist you.”
“But I don't think I'm ready. I've never even seen a real bow and arrow before today. How am I supposed to know how to use it?” I asked.
“Well, you do know that you have the bow and arrows on your back?” My dad asked.
“What? I do?” I looked at the mirror in my parents' room. Sure enough, the bow and the arrows were on my back like a shield that was protecting my back. “I didn't know. But I placed it on my desk.”
“It's magical. It'll follow you wherever you go. Can't do anything about it.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My dad said. “Unless you know how to undo the magic spell on it, then it'll even go to school with you. We can't have that happening now, can we?”
“But I want time to practice! I want time to learn what I need to know!” I said. “Do the gods expect us to just jump right in and start fighting? Then it'll be super easy to kill us!”
“It is rather absurd for them to expect such a thing. Especially since you're only 16 years old.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My mom agreed. “But we can't do anything about it. I want you to stay, but I know you can't.”
“It's your choice, Mizu.” My dad said. “No matter what you choose, we'll follow you through to the end. So if you ever need any help, we'll always be here.”
My parents smiled at me.
“Okay.” I replied with a smile. “I'll think it through and tell you tomorrow, okay?”
“That sounds great.” My mom said. My dad gave me a thumbs up. #FF4000 ">(This should be either “thumb” or “a thumb”)
“Good-night.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) I said.
“Good-night.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My dad replied.
“Good-night, Mizu.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My mom said. Those words would be the last ones they ever said to me. I left the room and into my bed, putting the bow and arrow next to me.
“It's my choice, huh?” I said to myself, then#FF4000 ">(There should be an “and” before “then” so that it reads “ and then I fell into a drowsy sleep”) I fell into a drowsy sleep.
I woke up at around 3 in the morning. I looked out the window and saw that it was still dark outside.
Thud! What was that noise? I heard footsteps and a hideous laugh. My heart started pounding. What was going on? I slipped out of bed silently and picked up my bow and arrow. I slung the quiver behind me and took an arrow out of it. Might as well practice getting an arrow ready, I thought, as I notched my bow.
I crept silently towards my door and managed to open it without having to set my bow down. In the hallway, I tip-toed towards the noise. (Fragment sentence again) I could feel butterflies in my stomach, for the noise had came #FF4000 ">(come not came) from my parents' room. I swallowed, even though my throat was dry. My hands were shaking, and there were goosebumps #FF4000 ">(put either “Goosebumps” or “goose bumps”) on my arm.
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I had to be prepared for the worst. But what would be the worst? My dad losing a leg? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) My mom losing her arms? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) There was a cackling noise that came from my parents' room. The door was ajar, so I just went straight in to the room.
What I saw, was something that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
There was blood all over the room, on the bed, on the chair, on the bathroom door that was connected to the room. I gasp, but there was no air that came into my lungs. The mirror had been broken into millions of pieces, and the furniture were #FF4000 ">(was not were) all stained with a deep blood-red.
My heart felt like it would jump right out of my chest. My hands were shaking so badly now, that the arrow slipped from my hand. I looked at the carpet, one that had once been a gorgeous royal blue was now a gory sight.
“No,” I felt my legs give away at the sight. “No, no no!” #FF4000 ">(Either put a comma or delete the last “no”)
Lying in a heap in front of the bed were my parents. They had both been stabbed in the heart. Both of them. #FF4000 ">(These are both fragments put a comma between these two) Dead. The thought raced through my head, yet I felt like I couldn't process the image.
“No. No. No, no, no! No, this can't be happening!” I shouted.
“Oh dear,” A voice said from behind the bed. “You shouldn't have seen this. Not until the morning anyway.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) The voice came from a purple haired lady. Her curly, short, hair matched the color of her outfit.
“Who are you?” I asked, feeling anger spread through me. “You did this didn't you?”
“Oh, I'm trying to be modest and humble these days.” She said with a smile. “Seems like it's #FF4000 ">(“Its” not “it’s”) not working. Yes, I did it. Do you like my state-of-the-art work?” Her smile was thin and showed me nothing except the evil in her.
I snatched an arrow out of the quiver, and – to my amazement – I notched the bow and pointed it steadily at her.
“You don't want to hurt me, dear.” She said with another one of her thin smiles. “It'll cause you nothing but more blood. I'm not supposed to hurt you, yet.”
The arrow shot out of the bow so quick, that even I didn't know it until the lady shouted.
“How dare you! I warned you! You should be glad that Master ordered me not to kill you!” Her eyes narrowed and she glared at me. She had dodged my arrow just in time. I could see the arrow stuck in the wall, inches away from her.
“I don't care what your 'Master' said.” I replied, returning a glare. “I'm going to do whatever I want to do. And right now, I want to get rid of you.”
“Avenge your parents' death? I think not.” She said. “You'll only accomplish wasting your arrows.” She knelt down and reached for my arrow.
Shunk! An arrow had hit her right in the leg. Her scream echoed in the empty house.
“You-” She shook a trembling finger at me. “How dare you.” I got another arrow ready. She reached towards the arrow. “Gah!” Her hand was now an odd shade of blue. “What did you do to these arrows? How do you know how to enchant them? I thought you just got the bow and arrow.” The blue was now spreading up from her fingers to her arm. Slowly and slowly. #FF4000 ">(Fragment)
“No, you shouldn't know how to do a Freezing Charm yet.” She stared at the two arrows, then#FF4000 "> (it should be “and then”) she glared at me.
“Ooh, Master will come and kill you! I just wish Master would stop being so nice and just finish you Guardians off.” She said, glaring at me for the – what 20th time?
“Why, why did you kill them?” I asked, feeling my hands start to shake a bit.
“Kill them? What a lame thing to talk about.” She said in a taunting sort of way.
“Tell me, or I'll shoot you straight through the heart!” I shouted, pulling the arrow back.
“Back off, missy.” She replied, snobbishly sounding. “It was orders. Folks knew too much.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Your parents knew too much!” She shouted. “How hard is that to understand?”
“What did they know?” I asked.
“Well, telling you would defeat the purpose of me killing them.” She smiled.
“I swear, I will kill you.” #FF4000 ">(Get rid of the comma) I said through gritted teeth.
“Go ahead. It's not like killing me would answer your question.” She had a good point.
“Mighty stupid of you, Rena.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) A voice said behind me. I spun around and prepared my self #FF4000 ">(it should be “myself” not “my self”). Standing behind me was a young man. His slick blond hair was smoothed down. He wore a normal t-shirt and jeans.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Shut up, Spike. It's not like I asked for your help. And for the last time, call me Stealth.” The purple-haired lady – or Rena – said with a glare. I guess she likes glaring at people.
“Shut up yourself, Rena. And for the last time, call me Mike!” The Spike dude said.
“Master said that we have to call each other by our code names. So your breaking one of his rules!” Rena or Stealth said.
As they argued, I felt my anger slowly disappeared. It was replaced with sadness. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there and watched them argue.
“I don't care about his cheesy rules. They're so lame. Who cares about the code names? No one's heard of any of us before!” Spike or Mike said.
“Well, stop making trouble!”
“Hypocrite! #FF4000 ">(Fragment) You're the one who's making trouble. Look, you got the water guardian to see us!”
“How is that my fault? If you hadn't barged in here, then I would have been fine!”
“You would have been fine? Hello? Unless you're blind, you have a freaking arrow in your freaking leg!”
“I DON'T CARE! I was the one sent here, and you are supposed to be back at Camp, not here!”
“Master ordered me to come and check on you. He said that you were taking too long.”
“LIER! #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Not possible! Master trusts me! Or have you forgotten?”
“SHUT UP, YOU STUPID STEALTH PERSON! YOU AREN'T EVEN STEALTHY! WHY THE HECK IS YOUR CODE NAME STEALTH? IF YOU ARE STEALTHY, THEN THE WATER GUARDIAN SHOULD BE IN BED, NOT HERE LISENTING TO US ARGUE!”
What the Spike guy said, must have brought their attention back to me. And I was mad at myself for not shooting arrows at them before they could attack me. Stupid, stupid me. #FF4000 ">(Fragment)
“Jeez, you are probably the stupidest one out of us all.” Spike or Mike said. I thought he had been talking to me, since I could have killed them right then right there, but he wasn't.
“Am not! #FF4000 ">(Fragment) I have half of Knowledge in me!” Rena or Stealth yelled. “You're the one who's the stupidest one.”
“And you probably have Knowledge in you somewhere.” Spike or Mike said turning to me. “It seems we've underestimated you. Master will be surprised to know that you know how to make a Freezing Charm.” He smiled at me. “Maybe you can come and replace Knowledge. Knowledge has been gone for a long time. Care to join us?”
“HER? HER? #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Join us?” Rena-slash-Stealth was screaming at Spike-slash-Mike. “Don't be stupid, Spike. She'll just betray us once she's got what she's want. So, Spike, get this arrow off of me and be quick about it.”
“Do you know why I'm called Spike?” Spike-slash-Mike asked me. “Because I'm spiky.” #FF4000 ">(Yet another fragment)
“Uh... What?” I asked. How could someone be spiky?
“See.” Spike said. Spikes shot out of him, tearing his clothes, and popping out of his hair. “This is my power.”
“STOP SHOWING OFF!” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Stealth – I think I'll call her that instead or Rena – shouted. “QUIT WASTING MASTER'S TIME AND HURRY UP AND FREE ME!”
“And why should I?” Spike asked, he had returned to normal.
“Didn't Master order you to?” Stealth asked. “Come on. Quit lagging. You're like a turtle.”
“Alright then, time to go.” Spike winked at me then vanished.
“UGH! That stupid little spiky brat! Who does he think he is?” Stealth asked no one in particular. “So, girl are you going to keep me here all day?”
“What's your power? If Spike's power is being spiky, then does that mean that your #FF4000 ">(it should be you’re) supposed to be stealthy?” I asked, curious. Might as well try and squeeze some information our #FF4000 ">(out not our) of her.
“'Supposed to'? Of course I'm stealthy! I don't know why in the world you could have heard me. I'm invisible, only Master can see me when I'm invisible. And people like Spike, who work#FF4000 ">(s) for Master. So I don't see why you can see or hear me. You shouldn't be able to.” Stealth said in a frustrated way. “Now free me. I won't kill you. It's Master's orders.”
“But I'm a Chosen One, so shouldn't we be able to see you?” I asked.
“No, because Master gave me these powers. #FF4000 ">(Fragment once again) So only the people I said before can see me!” She replied.
There was a sigh that came from the right of Stealth. “You are really mean.” Spike appeared and muttered something under his breath. Stealth must have heard what he said, and it must have been something good, because a smile automatically spread across her face.
“You finally decided to listen to Master.” She said. She wretched the arrow out of her leg. #FF4000 ">(Another Fragment)
“Too late, though.” Spike said with a wide grin. Stealth looked at him and looked at her arms. The blue color had spread all across her. She was entirely blue.
“N-” Stealth didn't have time because she froze.
“What happened?” I asked cautiously.
“The Freezing Charm you put on the arrows. Don't you know what it does?” Spike asked. I shook my head.
“I didn't put a Freezing Charm. I don't even know what it is!” I said.
“Oh, then it must have been the gods.” Spike replied with a sigh. “If someone touches something that has a Freezing Charm on it, then they freeze. Normal humans would freeze right away, but since Stealth has her powers, it took a lot longer.”
“Oh.” I replied.
“Anyway.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Spike said then whispered something.
“HOW DARE YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS SPREADING! AND YOU SHOULD HAVE AUTOMATICALLY DONE THE COUNTER CHARM! YOU ARE ONE LOUSY PERSON!” Stealth's voice bellowed all over the place.
“So much for stealth.” #FF4000 ">(Fragment) Spike muttered. “If someone's stealthy, shouldn't they be more #FF4000 ">(Not “more quiet” it should be “quieter”) quiet?” Stealth glared at Spike.
“Shut up.” She said in a more normal tone. “Anyway, we've spent too long here. Better get going.”
“See ya.” Spike said then vanished.
“I hope I don't see you soon.” Stealth said bitterly before, she too, disappeared. Once they were gone, I felt my knees give away. I collapsed on the floor next to my parents. And I sat there, in the bloody mess, crying.

This was a very well thought out story. I enjoy your characters and how they interact with one another. I would like to see MORE description of their surroundings though, I had no idea what anything looked like besides the characters. And you have a LOT of sentence fragments in here that need to be dealt with but other than that a very nice piece! Keep writing I can see this going somewhere!!

I have another friend who read this chapter and she thinks that since it's a legend it shouldn't have too many details. I see what you mean about the yelling part. I'll change that. Thanks for those tips though! I'll try and do that ratio thing.
Thanks

Hey Armstronge!

This is a very, very long chapter, and consists mostly of speech. Not only does that make it more difficult to read, but it's hard to keep track of what exactly is going on. You've done a really good job of the introduction. The scene is quite vivid and well introduced. I didn't feel as involved with the other scenes as I did with that one.

Speaking of speach;
Having so much speech in the story means it's overrun with paragraphs that are one or two lines long. Variation is very important. The easiest way to fix this is by combining similar lines of speech or linking them together, that way it's easier to follow. Decide on a ratio, say, one line of speech for two lines of everything else, and stick to it. You could practice by challenging yourself against a ratio of one to seven, if you feel brave

Telling Stories
This story that Mizu's mother tells, is it a myth or a known fact? I'm guessing it's some sort of Myth. In that case she should tell it as if telling a story to a small child. Stories passed down generations change. The details get simplified and the events get blown out of proportion. Instead of having a very long talk with mother about this, just have her tell a complete, myth-like story in one bulk.

Quick note:
Don't use continuous capital letters. They're ugly, and have the same effect as actually shouting; people can hear you more but it doesn't actually do much to get your point across.

Positives:
You don't need to mention that Suki is Mizu's best friend. You've done a pretty good job of showing this simply by the way they interact with eachother.
Mizu has parents, I love that! Far too many stories have absent or evil parents, so this set up is good.

Hope this helps

The names are Japanese, but I have a reason for using them. For the 2nd chapter, I didn't use Japanese names. And also, the chapters switch point of views. It's still 1st person, but you're reading from a different person's point of view. For example, the 2nd chapter is about the Lightning Guardian, so you'll read from her point of view.

And no, the Guardians aren't all girls.

First, beyong anything, I hesitated to start reading because of the format. Some better paragraph spacing would be much better, easier to read especially.

"I swam around the lake like a bullet, faster than my best friend." I don't particularly like this sentence, I'm not practised in the art of reviewing, so I'll have to put this across as best I can, but something feels off about it, this feeling was intensified by the fact you stated "best friend" again in the next line down. Perhaps could be better put like this; "I swam around the lake like a bullet, faster than Suki." then the next like "'Hey!' Shouted Suki, as she splashed her way towards me. 'Mizu, wait up!' Suki was my best friend... etc.

Next, I think instead of formatting like this: "Hello" do it like this 'Hello', this way you can make people quote mid-sentence (plus this is usually how it goes in novels).

EDIT: "No kidding," Suki said breathlessly. > 'No kidding,' Suki said, breathless.

Instead of "I swear you were more of teleporting through the water, then swimming!" (which doesn't really make sence, I get what you mean, just bad choice of words.) how about more like this: "I swear the water was making it's way around you, instead of you making your way through the water!' but that's just my own little idea.

“Yeah, I can see that.” Suki said smiling. “Too bad I'm not as good as you.” We walked up the beach, picking up our towels along the way.
“It's cold.” I said while wrapping myself up with my long blue towel. After the swim, we went back home and changed into a fresh pair of clothes.

This all seems to happen rather fast. Maybe a little more detail? Proper paragraphs, better descriptions etc.

EDIT: "A deer with a bloody leg was galloping towards the forest" > "A deer with a bloody leg was limping into the forest"

SIDE NOTE: I don't really like the names Suki and Mizu, but that's just coming from a guy who doesn't really like much Manga...

SIDE NOTE, AGAIN: Also, chosen ones? That's a cliche that's been done to death, sacrificed to the gods in a blood ritual, then it's remains devoured... by that I mean, I'm losing hope. Try something different, or slightly different.

I'm afraid I don't have the time to continue much further, I apologize if this comes across as harsh, and I DO love fantasy (while I am more of the Steampunk, Dark and Wierd Fantasy genres then the High and Pop Fantasy genres). If you want me to continue this review, fix up the paragraphs and send me a message

-Tomothy.