Published November 16, 2005
You don’t know I’m there, but I’m watching
You can’t tell, but I love you more then you know
I might be far away but I’m closer then you think
You’re always on my mind, more then I’m on yours
You might not believe me but it’s true
I don’t have the guts to say this out loud
I’d be lost with out you
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
It's very cliche but I think if you did try harder you could produce a very nice piece.
It sound so patronising, and I totally don't mean it to, but for a 13 year old I think that's quite good, and like Snoink said, you've got time to grow. Plenty of years ahead sweetie!!!
its sweet and seems heartfelt. i dunno about the form its written in... maybe you could write it out in line so it would look more... poem-ish.
.....so most of you have told me to use more emotions and i would be all up for that if i knew how.
so will somebody give me an example or something?
Soliel, this is cute.
But whether it's any good or not, you can't base whether you continue on with poetry or not on what someone thinks of one piece. Believe me, if I went on what other people thought of my early pieces then I would have stopped a long time ago. I believe my first story was called A GIRL AND HER UNICORN and stunk like you wouldn't believe (ask *singsoffkey*, it was baaad... but that's what happens when a 8-year-old tries to write a romance). And now, well... I'm not great... but I'm better... much much better (thank heaven).
But my point is, that if you want to keep going, then by all means keep going! This poem was enjoyable. It could have been better if you included more emotion in it, but it's a great start.
It was good. But you need to dig deeper into your emotions, it definitley needs more emotion. However, it is not a lost cause. Its very short, sweet, and simple. that's good, but with the way you felt you should put more into it. You're 13, and I know that at 13 there is ALOT more emotion and drama, use that. But otherwise I liked, you're young and therefor you have much more room to grow. Good Job!
You are only 13 years old, my dear. There is always room to grow.
As Triona said, it lacked the emotion to grip me. You have some good ideas here
You can’t tell, but I love you more then you know
I might be far away but I’m closer then you think
You’re always on my mind, more then I’m on yours If you elaborate some on this, you might come up with some good, intriguing phrases.
Also, you use many 'then's' that should be 'than's'.
You might have an idea here, but it needs to be explained and you need to work with word choice. You used mostly simple words to explain simple ideas and many of those simple words seemed emotionless. Work with this and please keep writing.
I think this should be "without". It is a nice final line. Very abrupt.
It lacks emotion however.
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Very gripping and emotional. Great work
Yeah, I think it is a few catchy phrases short of being a good one.
This was cute...
Honestly not something that I haven't read already, but it was just this short innocent poem.
I can relate to it...
Very good, I voted you should try a bit harder.
The context was good but I think more emotions and metophors would spice it up.