Karen A. Lindsay. No one knows what the A stands for but there are many rumors. They call her Kal. She is the most feared of my kind, the strongest, and by far the most aggressive. She moves around at night, Filling her bloodlust and laughing at her prey, as they lay helpless in the streets of New York. Though she does not kill her them she might as well. There is only one problem I have with Kal. She is my mother. She has been alive been alive over six thousand years and seen all there is to see for a vampire. She knows all the tricks of a vampire hunter and laughs as they approach her. No one has ever even threatened her and lived to tell about it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Grif has good points towards improving your introduction.
Vampires are a little cliche for me, but if you were to make them different to normal blood-sucking, night-timers,etc, you could do a lot better.
I would agree that after 6,000 years a vampire may change their style or even try to get along with humans.
I like vampire stories.
The first thing I wondered when you said that Lindsay is the narator's mother is: how old is he/she? Because if it's a teen, try to make your tone a little less... I don't know... reverant? If she's older or younger, then that's okay.
I'll watch for the rest.
hey thanks to the both of you. Im going back to day and writing a revise than i'll post it and see if thats anybetter.
Introduction? How about a character bio?
Don't put this into a novel like it is now: it would be straight info dumping. There are better ways (through dialogue for instance) to tell the reader about Kal.
I'm not interested in her character. It sounds like every other evil vampire out there. It sounds so lame too: after 6000 years all she's learned is how to evade human vampire hunters? Not that it isn't important, but tell me she can at least cook a meal, or do some other socially redeemable activity. After 6,000 years of sucking blood, I'm pretty sure it would become less of a hunt and more of a chore.
These things would tell us more about Kal the vampire, so that we could relate to her on a personal level. The only way we could do that now is if we are some 6,000 year old vampire.
If we can't relate to a character, then we're fighting an uphill battle when it comes to character believability. Once you lose believability, you lose the reader.
To be fair, you are writing a story from the viewpoint of a child of a vampire. This lends itself to the "mom is evil" stereotype. All I'm saying is that you should stay away from stereotypes and info-dumping. You can do this by developing the characters and distributing information through dialogue and action, instead of just blurting it out to the reader.
This is a fair introduction, although it's riddle with errors. I suggest you read through it a second time to catch 'em
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(example: 'moves around at night, Filling her bloodlust' - filling shouldn't have a captial)