Published September 22, 2006
If i were a flamingo.
I'd eat with my lips,
And stand on all fours.
I'd live in the desert,
and drink from the forest.
When the sun went down,
I'd follow my shadow.
I'd sing a song,
after loseing my voice.
If i were a flamingo.
I'd be a beautiful blue bird.
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capitalize the second word in the poem.
sorry. it was bothering me.
other than that... add another stanza. it ends abruptly, which could be fine if it worked, but here it doesn't. and i think write me missed a bit, though i can still hope there is some sarcasm in the above post... work on it some more, and fix up the ending... aw crap i never know how to end posts.
-P
I have to agree with griffinkeeper. As far as I know, flamingo's do not have four legs, have lips or live in the desert...which kind of makes the analogy pointless and confusing at best.
Also, the ending here is very weak. There is a build up that promises something better than "flamingo's are pretty". It's like you started to get somewhere, and then forgot what it was but ended it anyway. We all know flamingo's are birds and are often a symbol of beauty, whoop-te-doo. Show us why we should care, with actual characteristics of a flamingo.
Happy Editing!
Amego
Flamingos don't have four legs, they have two.
i like it, it really does seem to show instead of telling keep writing stuff like this, i like the message behind it, if i got the message right
I second what timjim said... but please.
It's hyper and losing.
Umm thanks i guess...never though of it that way. But thanks
While you may nto have been aiming for this (i doubt you were), this strikes somewhat of eighth century Chinese poetry. A little more imagery woulod fill it out. And you misspelled losing. This is actually a very fine piece. Don't label it crap.