As I drove my car through the darkest and tiniest road I have ever seen, my friend Katy was talking about how she enrolled in her university yesterday. She mentioned how she had some problems with her luggage and how her roommate seemed like a pain in the ass. She started whining about how she wished I could be her roommate. She told me about hot boys she saw and how she was even invited to three parties already, though I wasn’t surprised by that. Katy was the typical basic girl, blond hair, pink nails, short skirt, always laughing and smiling, but deep down she was the smartest girl I have ever met. Maybe she was the prettiest girl in the class, maybe even in the whole school, but she was never interested in being the IT girl.
"Are you even listening to me?" Katy yelled at me through phone.
"Yes, yes," I looked at it and the navigation said I needed to turn left after 100 meters. " I am just little bit confused here. You know I am bad at multitasking. I think I need to turn somewhere, but I can't see anything."
"Maybe turn on the car lights?" She laughed and I could imagine her mischievous smile on her lips.
"Listen, I am not that dumb." I muttered.
"Sure, you aren't! So, am I bothering by talking about my big problems?" She said sarcastically.
"Girl, I will give you my full attention when I finally find that bloody house. I am telling you, they are living in the middle of nowhere." I frowned and slowed down the car.
"Do you remember what I told you? You needed..."
"Yes, yes. I needed to stop by the motel and just spend the night there, but how could I have known, I would need to go through darkest and tiniest rode ever?" I finally made the turn and saw some lights right ahead. "Ou my god, I think I finally found the place."
I heard Katy wooing and laughing. She knew I was the worst driver in the universe, probably. Sometimes driving by itself is a challenge and now I was talking to Katy at the same time, AND it was dark, AND I couldn’t see the road normally. There were no streetlights, besides the forest was surrounding the pathway and it appeared as there were no living souls around. I was pretty surprised by how there was a reception for my phone, but I guess I wasn’t that far from the city. I did want to take the shortest path here, so it was kind of my own fault. Trees were tall, I could say, almost huge. Their branches made an arch for the road. In the daylight no doubt they looked magical and beautiful. Sun shining through leaves and giving the road sun-blasted look. I take a mental note to come here and make pictures early in the morning, just to capture this mesmerizing and sun-kissed road early in the morning.
"Well, let's look on the bright side, you didn’t kill anyone. Not a single person or an animal. I am so proud of you. My little girl has finally grown up. Awwww..." My best friend Katy learnt to love sarcasm from me, myself and I, and now she used it against me. That was my biggest accomplishment and the biggest curse at the same time. She loved to make fun of my clumsiness and sometimes stupidity.
"Don’t start again," I laughed. " I don’t deserve this from you."
I checked my phone and my battery was charging out, just great. "Katy, my phone is dying, let's talk later. Okay?"
"Okay, okay. I know you are just bored of me!" I rolled my eyes. "And don’t roll your eyes at me. Call me before you go to sleep. Bye!"
"Bye!" I said, but she already hang up on me.
My navigation showed I had already reached my destination and this was not what I expected at all. The house was big and old, it reminded me of an antique castle. I couldn’t see what color it was, but in the dark and low light, it seemed grey and cold. It almost seemed like it was abandoned, but there were lights in all the windows. They were wide and big, I could see the sides of the huge curtains. I could imagine how heavy they would feel in my hands, me just dragging my palms through the thick fabric, imagining I was in 17th century and getting ready for the ball, as always, daydreaming about something unreal. The entrance had stairs that lead to the doors. Everything about this house looked heavy, ancient and cold. I just hoped the family living here would be different, but house says a lot about people who live there.
I stopped my car in front of the timeworn gates. They screamed from neglecting, I could nearly feel how they would creak from my touch. The bushes in front of them were well groomed and were just cut off in perfect squares. "How weird," I thought. "To take care of everything else, but not the gates." I couldn’t see the garden that well, but there was a fountain in the middle of the drive in. The water was splashing out of the fountain and I could hear it hitting the ground even from my car. I wonder how they can sleep at night if that thing is so loud.
I finally take my phone and dial the number which was sent to me in my last email. I never talked to the owners, but I did exchange information about myself and my experience. The phone started to ring, but I had no answer. I waited five more minutes, but there still was no answer. I was too tired after the big journey and I had no patience to wait for someone to notice me. I opened my car doors and stepped into the darkness. There was poor light coming from my cars, but it still wasn’t enough. I felt like darkness was swallowing the light here. I approached the gates and noticed it was covered in rust, but I couldn’t see any locks on the gates. I hope I won't get in any trouble for just going in there, but they should be expecting me by now. I touched the cold bar of the gate and got little shivers from it. I tried to push it open, but it wouldn’t move even a little bit. I put all my weight into my movement and finally gates started to creek and opened a little bit. It was too loud for this kind of night. Sound echoed around and soon disappeared in the dark forest. I was starting to get chills and hair on my neck rose up, maybe it was from the cold, but I knew it was something else, I just couldn’t grasp on what it was.
The gates finally opened enough so I could squeeze my body through them. I made one more glance at my car and went inside the property. The ground was covered with pebbles and my every step was roaring through the night. I started to walk faster, because I wasn’t fan of the dark and I rather seem like a coward than damage my nerves for no reason. I took one glace at the fountain and its statue was grey and just with the smallest trace of green color, the same you would see on rocks near the sea. So, no one was taking care of this houses cultural heritage, but did cut the bushes, how deeply weird.
I followed the staircase up and finally ended up right is from of the doors. I argued with myself - maybe I should call again, but there was no point of doing it. If someone had seen I called, they would have called back already. I took a deep breath and pushed the doorbell. I couldn’t hear it ringing, so I pushed again and again and again.
"Maybe it is broken," I said to myself.
Suddenly the doors yanked open and there was a human silhouette standing in my way. I couldn’t get used to the bright light, so, I pinched my eyes. I didn’t notice it at first, but I was holding my breath, as I result I let out a loud sigh.
"Can you finally let go of the doorbell?" The voice asked and I quickly took of my finger from it. I still couldn't see who was in the doorway, but I could tell by the voice it was a guy. "What do you want?"
"Ouuu... yeah... I am Zoie! I am looking for Seamus Everly, I am the..."
"He isn't home." He didn’t let me finish and started to close the doors.
"Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, he isn't home?" I slammed my hand against the heavy doors and tried to stop him from closing them. He stopped his movement and bent his head on one side, just like little puppy.
"As it sounded the first time, he isn't home right now." I could finally see the guy and his eyes. I looked straight into them and didn’t break the eye contact.
"I understood that, but I am here for the job and accommodation offer. I'm the new nanny." It finally sent some kind of spark in his eyes. Maybe someone mentioned my arrival to him, but he just forgot. He opened the doors and gestured for me to come in. "Actually, my car is still running on the other side of the gates. Is there any way I could open them?"
He looked at me with the most uninterested face I have ever seen person make and sighed. He turned around his well-structured body and just went away. "Hello?" I raised my voice a little bit, but he didn’t even stop. "What the hell?" I murmured and looked over my shoulder again just to check on my car.
"So, you are finally here!" Someone's voice disturbed me and I jump. "Did I scare you, love?"
I cleared my throat and looked at the intruder. "Little bit," I laughed nervously.
"You are the new nanny, right? We have been waiting for you all day, almost got worried about you." He smiled at me. "Come in, make yourself at home." He already left the doorway and went in the lobby.
"Well, my car." I looked at it again. "It would love to park it somewhere else, if that is okay."
He came back at the door and looked over me. "Of course, love. Just drive in, we will find you a spot."
"The problem is, I can't open the gates." How can he not know, that the gates there were so rusted that they can't be opened?
"Yeah, no wonder. You literally came on the wrong side of the house, we usually drive in through the main entrance." Little nervous laugh broke out of my throat. "But no worries. Let's go! I will show you the way to the main gates."
He came outside and closed doors behind him. I followed him all the way back to the gates, and as we were walking, I noticed how his footsteps doesn’t make that much noise as mine did, could it be that I am heavier than he is? No way, I am not a slim girl, but I am definitely not a fatty. He stopped near the gates and opened them like it was no big deal, I just looked at him with amazed eyes. Maybe the gates needed the first push and then they started to work properly. He went through them and waited for me to follow.
I quickly followed and jump into my car. He closed the gates and came next to my doors. He wiggled the door knob, but car doors wouldn’t open. I instantly understood my fault. "Sorry, I always lock the doors."
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Interesting. Few problems popped up for me

"I heard Katy wooing and laughing. She knew I was the worst driver in the universe, probably. Sometimes driving by itself is a challenge and now I was talking to Katy at the same time, AND it was dark, AND I couldn’t see the road normally."
You can change this sentence to read a bit smoother. I can tell what you are trying to do with the capital AND but it just makes the sentence more chunky.
"Well, let's look on the bright side, you didn’t kill anyone. Not a single person or an animal. I am so proud of you. My little girl has finally grown up. Awwww..." My best friend Katy learnt to love sarcasm from me, myself and I,"
You don't really need to mention Kathy being your best friend in this sentence. Katy would have worked fine. Also, the Me, myself and I bit once again can see what you are trying to do but maybe tweak that and choose one of the three.
Other than that I really did enjoy this. I liked the dynamic of the two friends and the mystery shrouding her new job
Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review full of rambling!
So at first glance, I noticed the title. Before reading the description, I thought the title, “no title yet” was actually meant for the story, and just needed a little tweaking with the wording as it sounded a bit weird, but then I realized that it actually had no title. When looking back over this, I believe the first thing you should do is find a title for it to make it appeal to the readers more. Yes, titles are difficult to come up with, take it from me, but a little basic, two-three worded one would be a good start.
Anyways,
The plot itself really intrigued me. I find it very hard for me to get hooked or interested into a chapter book that is online for some reason, but this really hooked me. Especially closer towards the end, when the man had lighter footsteps than our main character. It made me suspicious. You do a great job at describing what the scene looks like, although your description of characters is a bit lacking, except for Katy. All we know about our main character is that she seems about average weight, as she said she wasn’t slim nor overweight. I’d add a little bit more detail on that for this chapter - maybe hair/skin color?
Well, that’s all I really have to say. Your story really interests me, and I can’t wait until the next part comes out! Cheers!
- - Pastel
hello! shane here for a review!
i like the plot, the idea, for this story. i feel like you could get really far, if you choose. you have a great sense of what everything is like for the characters, and do a fabulous job describing that to the reader.
however, you do have a few grammatical errors. nothing huge, though. also, a few of your sentences are a little awkward. ie:
She knew I was the worst driver in the universe, probably.
the "probably" in this sentence makes it a little awkward. it is as if you are unsure as to what you are saying.
overall, you have a wonderful concept and could really soar with your descriptions as the plot develops. the only thing i suggest is to go over and proofread for grammatical errors and typos.
~shane