Will
“You ain’t belongin’ here, kid. Scram!” he says while pushing me back. I hit the wall and crumple to the ground. The breath is knocked out of me, and when I try to stand, the man pushes me against the wall again.
“Hey!” a girl yells with a British accent. She just walked in with another girl. “What’s going on, Vinny?”
The man pinning me against the wall, Vinny, steps away for a moment. He actually looks a bit scared of her.“He shouldn’t be hanging here. Look at him, perfectly clean.” I look down at myself, and realize that I am clean. Everyone else is covered in grime and dirt, their clothes torn and blood-stained. But I am totally spotless, not even one wrinkle in my shirt.
The British girl slowly walks up to me. I’m still against the wall. “What’re you doing here, boy?” she asks.
“I ran away. I’m hoping to get help here,” I reply, “Do you know where I should go?”
She turns away from me, facing Vinny. “He’s harmless,” she says matter-of-factly, “Wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now get on with it.” The last sentence was aimed for everyone.
“But Metalli,” Vinny starts to moan, but before he can finish, the girl, Metalli, says, “This is over.”
Metalli’s friend rushes over to her as she storms off. I can fainly hear her say, “Do you know who he is? He’s the President’s son!” Metalli just snickers and leans against the wall on the opposite side of the Factory. She takes out a cigarette and lights it.
Nobody is paying attention to me anymore, which is good. I see that a couple people are fighting and placing bets on people. An idea forms in my mind.
I walk over to Metalli and her friend. She stares at me. “What?” she asks, in a not so friendly way.
“I-I would like to challenge you to a duel.” At the end I decide to add in, “A fencing duel.” It can’t be too hard. She looks like she could knock half my teeth out with one punch, but fencing, forget it. She’s lose to me. I am pretty well with a sword.
They just laugh. “You challenge me to a sword fight? What do I get out of it?” She’s laughing as she speaks, so it’s hard to understand her.
“If you win,” I say, “I’ll give you all of the money on me right now. And vice versa with you.” It seems fair, although I don’t know how much money she has.
“Deal. I’ll get us some swords.” She’s still laughing when she returns with the swords. She hands me one, and it’s not light. I almost drop it.
“Is is too heavy?” she mocks as she easily swings her blade back and forth.
“Can’t we use sabers?” I ask, sounding weak. She smiles a scornful smile.
“You’ve never used a sword before? It’s easy, just like using those flimsy things. Except if I jab you with this on the chest, you’ll actually die. Oh, and we aren't allowed to where armour.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
EnigmaticSpirit here to review your chapter! (Sorry if I make any spelling mistakes myself, I am deaf)
I'll start off by saying that you have a couple of minor grammatical and spelling errors which are highlighted in red. Example:
This should be "faintly".
This sentence sounds strange as the wording here is wrong. It should be:
Another grammatical mistake you made was:
You have used "where" in the wrong context. It should be "wear" instead.
This chapter also needs to be padded out more as everything is happening very quickly. It is also missing a few elements, such as the settings. What do the surroundings look like? Is it crowded with people? Is it damp? Is it humid?
The second element is characterisation. You don't describe any of the characters' features, apart from Metalli who you say has a British accent. This makes it more difficult for the reader to connect with the characters. I want to be able to learn more about the characters and what they are like, what personalities they have, etc, etc.
The third element is emotion. Again, it's difficult to be able to feel any of the characters' emotions as they are not described. E.g. When Will is shoved against the wall by a stranger and when he is challenging Metalli to a duel. This also means that an atmosphere is not built up and it doesn't feel as tense as it should be during the chapter.
You also need to include more dialogue/
Other than that, I thought this was a good piece with a good cliffhanger that left me wanting to read more!
Happy Writing!
Hello there! Here to review your work for this fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both you and me. I tend to ramble on otherwise, get mixed up and then forget some good points!
Here goes!
““Hey!” a girl yells with a British accent. She just walked in with another girl. “What’s going on, Vinny?” - I would like some description of these two girls so that I can set them apart? Is one small is one big? Is one blonde and one brunette? There is just something missing here right now.
“Metalli’s friend rushes over to her as she storms off. I can fainly hear her say, “Do you know who he is? He’s the President’s son!” Metalli just snickers and leans against the wall on the opposite side of the Factory. She takes out a cigarette and lights it.” - It should be faintly.
I'm really intrigued by this girl – even though I still don't know what she looks like. I'm also interested in this boy! What's he doing there?
I like that she's strong and calls the shots! I would just really love to know what she looks like!! Even it's a slight glimpse onto her facial expression.
Overall – I really loved this chapter. It kept me reading the whole way through it and I'm excited to learn how this sword fight turns out even though I think I have an inkling as to what might happen.
Good luck & I look forward to reading more soon!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hi there! Happy review day! *whistles a tune and tap-dances* Okay, I'll get on with it now!
Firstly, you have a couple of small spelling and grammar errors, e.g. "where armour" should be "wear armour", "pretty well with a sword" should be "pretty good with a sword".
Secondly, this doesn't warrant a full chapter! You would have done better to meld this chapter with the previous one, creating some plot and events. This is way too short and doesn't have enough happening to be a real chapter.
Okay, you certainly need more dialogue, more description and more clarification of stuff that happens. The pace is so fast that I get lost in what is happening! Slow it down a little — that would also help to stretch out the chapters to a proper length! Remember, the vast majority of successful books have chapters that are pages and pages long!
You also need much more character building, as well as space building. What does the Factory look like? Is it high-ceilinged, does it have two stories, is the floor carpet or concrete, what sort of people hang out there and how many? Are there rings or is it just plain brawl wherever? And how does such a big building full of criminals hide from justice? There seems to be no security! So work on the details, else readers will be left with a sense of not knowing everything or being cheated.
Just keep writing!
barefootrunner