When I first met you there had been a new galaxy found and you always swore on your mothers grave that the little tangled pictures of this new place, would be the most beautiful thing you'd ever see.
A month later a new constellation was found and you said that the beauty of this shapeless shape was more beautiful than anything on earth, even more beautiful than me.
But when you look up at the stars tonight and see the constellations ornating every inch of the sky- I hope you think of freckles that adorn my skin.
And even though I'll never be as beautiful as the midnight sky- I hope that I'm beautiful enough for you.
I pray that even though my freckles don't hold millions of unexplainable atoms- that the atoms I am made of are enough for you
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hi ariane!
This is an interesting piece of prose poetry. You have decided on giving us short paragraphs rather than short lines, and it was the right way to go. This is a very interesting way to give us all of the information without detracting too much from the way you want to say it.
I will suggest however that you consider how you are saying what you want to say. You have an interesting concept but I think some of the emotion and some of the strength of this is being lost. You could easily add to that by giving us some more emotional language, because right now it is pretty sterile, even though your description of the constellations is lovely. We want more descriptions of how your narrator feels about the whole thing, some more imagery and metaphors, similies might bring us more closely into the writing you are giving us. Do not forget that by using this format you get far more freedom to write in more cohesive sentences, but you lose the sense of urgency and force that comes with the shorter sentences in free verse poetry.
When you do change this, please let me know! I would love to see what you choose to change and how. It might be interesting to rewrite this in a traditional poem format to see how that would work, but I love the prose poetry format as it is as well.
Thank you for posting this, I do rather like it!
- Penguin.
Hi there!
First of all, welcome to the site. I am a junior moderator, as is anyone else whose username is in light green. So feel free to ask us any questions you've got!
A little nitpick in the first bit--I'd change "the little tangled pictures" to "the tangled little pictures." It's purely personal preference, but I tripped over "little tangled."
Another nitpick, "ornating." "Ornate" is a word, but it's an adjective, not a verb, so "ornating" isn't a word. You could use "ornamenting" instead, if you want something that sounds close. (Wiktionary says "ornating" is the present participle of "ornate," but then it says that "ornate" is an adjective--sites like that aren't always accurate because the public can edit them. The "real" dictionary sites, if you will, don't have the word "ornating.")
Less nitpicky, the last two stanzas (if you want to call them that, since this seems more of a prose poem) are not as strong as the rest of the poem. I understand they contain the, well, kind of the point of the poem, if you will, but they don't have the nice imagery the rest of the poem has. And since the stanza before them has both the imagery and the point of the poem, I think you could just cut the last two stanzas. In that case the poem would end with this:
In other news, some other words you could use other than "ornating," if you don't like "ornamenting," are: patterning, decorating, scattered across, adorning (although since you use "adorn" later I'd say not this one), embellishing, bedecking, enriching, gracing, and garnishing.
Otherwise I thought this piece had very nice imagery, and I like the way you brought the narrator's past with this person into her (her?) hopes that he (he?) will remember her when he looks up at the sky.
Blue
Thank you! I think i might get rid of the last two stanzas or add more imagery to them!
HFRHGUAHGABHFA0GFB I HAVE NO WORDS DIGIAUGLGADGBPAGFIJG BEAUTIFUL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
okay now that that's over with! Hey! BitterRosemary here to give you a review~! Let's get started!
Let me start by saying that this is an incredibly original idea. I've actually never read something like this. I love the imagery of
"But when you look up at the stars tonight and see the constellations ornating every inch of the sky- I hope you think of freckles that adorn my skin." It's strong and powerful and beautiful and ahhh.
I actually have ZERO negative nitpicks for this poem. Grammatically sound girl (I am assuming u r female, correct me if I'm wrong)!! That doesn't happen very often! Good content, strong imagery, good grammar. Damn, 10 out of 10!!!
Great job!
Never quit writing!
BitterRosemary
~ps WELCOME TO YWS
Thank you so much!!!