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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey though there. Told you I'd be back so I'm going to review all your pieces with the least amount of reviews.
Okay so the first stanza's ideas are a little jumbled. They don't feel that connected to me so it seems like random things are being put together. I do like the line about being washed in love, good metaphor.
I like the second stanza a lot.
I really like the first line but the second one feels a bit awkward. There are ways to say that without ending those two lines with the same word. And if you have a different word in the middle, I think that makes it okay to have the first and last line end in almost the same thing. If it was supposed to be that each line ended the same then that's okay, I just feel that it isn't working for this particular part (if that was even the goal).
I loved the last stanza as well, especially the last line. I do feel that the simplicity and unorganization of the first stanza gives the wrong impression about the poem. The rest of the work is deep and insightful and uses good metaphors as well as vocabulary so I think the first line led me to believe the poem was just going to be "eh" but it wasn't at all. So I'd say the biggest fix could go toward making the first part up to par with the rest. I also think this poem could be good as a longer work, just adding a few more lines to put in details because there's really so much one could say about God's love. If you don't want to do that though then the poem is already good.
Hi, arianaSarroyo!
I am GeeLyria and I will be reviewing for you today.
In all honesty, I really like this poem, it's simple but well written and entertaining. I actually don't have much to say about the words or stanzas. I am here because when I clicked this poem's title, I noticed it has no capital letters, but I thought that was just your writing style ~ however, when I see your sentences, I noticed you do use capital letters when you write. I have read that what is grammatically correct when it comes to the title is to capitalize the first letter of every word, excluding the prepositions. That means that your title should look more like this: "Love Surrounds Me". Remember that uniformity is really important when it comes to writing, because the more consistent you are the more professional you'll be. And the more professional you are, the more serious they will take you and your writing.
And that's pretty much all I've got to say! Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. However, feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
~GeeLyria
Hello there Ariana! Dogs here with your review today. To start WELCOME TO YWS! I see you're a relatively new member, and if you ever need anything you send me a PM and I'd be glad to help you out
. OKey dokey on to your writing. I think you have a wonderful flow and poetic feel to your writing style, which makes your writing interesting to read. The only underlining problem I really found with your writing is that you repeat some words a couple to many times. Something that is easily fixed.
"Cleansed and redeemed in You"
Ok, I'm not sure about the proper reference to God, but is the "You" supposed to be capitalized? I'm not sure, also you should say "by You" instead of "in You," just will flow smoother.
Minor note, but throughout the entirety of your poem you use "love" a lot. I think, just to help out rhythm, that you should replace "love" with another word at some points. Maybe look it up in a thesaurus for ideas. It helps trust me.
"Tears will fall; words will fail,
Your love, it will never fail."
You use "fail" twice to close in proximity to each other. Edit one of them out or look it up in a thesaurus. Also you should say "fail/ but your love, will never fail." Or something along those lines.
I like your ending, good metaphor and imagery there. All and all a good poem just in need of a few minor touch ups, then you'll be on the right path to perfection. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Dear ArianaSarroyo,
I do like this poem, of cores I don't agree with the spiritual beliefs stated and hinted at within it, I shall not let this draw from what this truly is, a poem, and not a declaration of battle or war in spiritual beliefs or the lack of it.
This poem has plenty of passion and I do love that, for when it comes to love in poetry, passion is needed beyond all else and you show a clear and plentiful source of it. However I do have some slight issues when it comes to some of the word play chosen to be used in this work. For example in the third paragraph I feel using the word "fails" three times is, well, a bit lazy. Instead how about instead of doing that, since you motioned "Tears will never fall..." use the word fall, so now it is:
"Your love, it will never fall.
Immeasurable love, it never fails."
I feel that would be better for the work as a whole. I also have a problem with the word "goodness", I don't know, that's more of a personal issue than an actual critique. My last issue is with the title, I think if you used a more subtle title that would allow the audience to come up with their own interpretation of the poems meaning would only enhance the works well being. Otherwise this was a fine work, and with a few fixes here and there, I do think this can be a great one. Keep on writing.
Sincerely,
The A