Yearning to be Free

Hey Rian!

I'm sorry that this was so long in the coming. This month has been uber crazy for me. But, I'm here at last with your review~

Now when I ?? into your heart I see a yearning to be free

Hi Roxy here reviewing as you wished!
First off I have to agree with Kaylyn, the spacing needs to be fixed! Its very distracting to the reader! And some punctuation would definetally help too!

While I think that this poem has potential, its stuck on cliché grounds and so I am not getting a sense of you in the poem. Add some personality to it and try to move away from all those clichés! You are a better writer than clichés!

I think that the message in this poem is good, but its not strong enough to carry the poem, pour your emotions out into it to get a real strong amazing poem!

I do think that you have potential as a writer, I just think that you need to sit down with this poem and really look at it, fix any problems, add more imagry and description and get your emotion and personality into it!

I know it will be a great poem once you do this!

Keep on writing!

Just a few things:

Form/Structure:
The spacing

is

like

woaah!

It's just a little distracting to the reader and seems to make the poem go on and on. It also make the stanzas harder to distinguish. Just fix those up. Also I noticed some of the lines just seemed to be chopped. For example:

"When I first looked into your eyes, I saw
The rays of the sun shining upon me"
I think that it may flow just a wee better if you moved the I saw down to the second line.

"All because of what others said not knowing"
Make sure to take out the extra space between said and not. Spacing can be a tricky thing sometimes.

Content:
"When I first looked into your eyes, I saw
The rays of the sun shining upon me"
Okie dokie, this is cliche. Everyone has heard this line. Take it and make it your own, just steer clear from the general lines such as this. Use some different imagery here. In fact, I would suggest that you add more imagery period throughout the poem, just avoid the cliche "hair like gold/eyes shine like the stars" stuff.

There are a few things to be fixed, but this poem has some potential. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

Your verses don't need to be so far apart just so you know you might want to correct that.
Also if you didn't know, you acually need punctuation in poems. I can see that their inst any here exept in the word the stat the verses. The poem is very romantic and sweet. Keep it up, Miss Ariana!
-Dark

Miss Ariana;
Yes, there may have been a few errors, but I can see by the other comments that those have been addressed. Overall your poem was darling. It was very interesting the way you made the poem sound by the way you cut it off in places and the message you were sending was loud and clear with each word. Short, sweet, and to the point is, in my opinion, always the best type of literature and in the this case it also works in your favor. Excellent job, dear, and keep writing!

Hey there Ariana! I'm going to do a stanza by stanza review. It'll probably be pretty short, but I'll do my best to help you improve. That'll be hard since you're a better poet than I am, but here goes!

Stanza One

There's a typo in the last line, you forget the word 'look'.

Stanza Two

I like your message in this poem. However, this stanza is pretty frank, it reads like prose. You should add some color, or metaphor. This stanza needs a bit more color to it.

Stanza Three

Again, another instant where the poem reads like prose.

Stanza Four

The poem ends nicely! It's still a little frank.

Overall the poem needs to be more poetic. Audy has a wonderful that might help you out. Here's a link!

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=96909

Hey!

I like it, I think that you managed to let us readers to feel the concern about this parent for his child and how much does he expects of this person.
I loved the beginning, it's ver tender and caring. Is this something you wanted your father to tell you?

Keep on the good stuff! And onward!

Hello. So i like it but i feel like it could use a tiny bit more emotion. I really like your word choices. Other then that you did a greqt job all it needs is a fe wtwicks here an there. Keep up the good work.

Hey,
So I'm going to give you a review, hopefully it is good and will help your writing.

I'm going to go stanza by stanza, give you feed back on the lines and the stanza overall. Then will finish up with an overview of the poem.
My comments are in brackets.


When I first looked into your eyes, I saw
The rays of the sun shining upon me [I like these two lines, they are good and while they may be a tad cliche its not a bad thing]
Now when I [look] into your heart I see a yearning to be free [this line, while sweet, lacks something. It feels as if you have just smacked it on at the end with no real thought.]


Today you're bound by hurt and feelings of inadequacy
All because of what others said not knowing [the space you nee to get rid of]
What person you had the potential to be.[having a period at the end of this line when you didn't have one at the end of the last stanza or in other places is bad, it shows inconsistency]



You have so much to offer but
Your mind is controlled by fear
And if you let it go, your voice of encouragement
could be the medicine one person is dying to hear [good, but the fact that this has 4 lines and the others have 3 it is kind of weird. While its your poem so you are entitled to do it, for me it breaks up the flow and changes how I read it.]


To hear your silence pains me because inside I know
You're just a voice waiting to be
heard and a yearning to be free. [ this stanza, while good, seems very jagged. The flow just isn't there. While the ideas are I feel as if you only skim them.]


I know that you are probably very confused as to what I am saying, so I will try to make it make sense.
Overall you have a good poem, ideas are good and you say them nicely.
However, the lack on punctuation detracts from the poem. It makes it confusing to read. The decision to have some punctuation at some parts and none at others, where it is needed, makes for a very confusing read.
I suggest you put punctuation where needed.
I also feel as if you could go deeper into the idea. You have a good idea but you don't explore it in enough detail for the reader to really connect to it.
Poetry is about emotion, and communicating that emotion, idea, message etc, to others. You need to make sure a person is going to understand and connect with the idea in order for it to be effective. Do you get me?
It is good but expand on each point, make me feel an emotion when I read it.

P.M me if you have any questions about it, or simply want to talk.

Good job and keep writing.

Nargles xxxx