Young Writers Society

Hello Ariana. Bluewaterlily to review your piece. Judging from the other reviews you got, it seems like a lot was covered, so I hope this review doesn't sound repetitive.

The one thing I will focus on in this review is how well you connected with your audience. Though this is a narrative, I felt like you were mostly summarizing. You focus on the girl you were, but I am curious when you said, "I wrote endless tales of children I wished I could be." I think you can take this statement further by describing traits of the children you wished you could be.

Also at the beginning, when you describe the people who loved you and could see your talents and beauty, I think you can expand by explaining what they saw in you and how it affected you. This could help make your writing more personal.

Lastly, I will focus on your sentence structure. Many of your sentences are long. Though this is not necessarily a bad thing, it does interrupt the flow of your writing, and makes your writing a little harder to read. Try varying your sentence structure. Use compound sentences, though shorter sentences would also work in your favor.

Okay, I am almost done with the nitpicks. I apologize If I sound overly critical. I really did enjoy reading this. There are many raw emotions underlying in this piece, and at the end, when you describe when you were finally able to see your inner beauty, it shows great strength. That makes me love this piece even more, especially the honesty of it when you wrote that you are grateful for your past.

Though the only thing I recommend is trying to focus more on the raw emotions of your struggle with finding yourself. I think you could do this by describing how your loved ones helped you, how their help affected you and shaped you, and the traits of the children you wished you could be and the connection with the girl that you were. Just remember that the "Show don't tell rule" applies to nonfiction too, especially narratives.

I hope this review helps, and I look forward to reading more of your works on YWS and seeing you grow as a writer. If you have any questions or comments, or even if you want more reviews, feel free to send me a message. Thank you for sharing your wonderful work with us.

Heyo! Sushi here to review this piece.
First I would like to say that I like the fact that despite you mainly writing poetry and lyrics, you wrote a narrative. It's good to branch out so I commend you on that. Now onto the piece.
: ) - I think that this narrative is a lot like your poetry where you put a lot of yourself into it. I liked how you put at the end that now there was a shy little girl inside of you instead of the girl who wanted to laugh like the other children. It showed not only how you changed on the outside, but also how you changed on the inside. You used a lot of good words too, so that kept vocabulary from being overused.
: / - The only thing that bugged me was the progression of this piece. You talk mainly about how you were, and only at the very end do you clearly say who you are now. I feel like you should have put your breakthrough moment in here. That would be the peak of this where the readers would understand exactly what made you change. Maybe it was the fact that the desire to be who you wanted to be became so strong that you finally made a decision, or something of the like. Otherwise I don't really think there was anything besides a couple nitpicks that you need to finish.
Nitpicks:

Its stronghold on me kept me detached from myself and reality.

|There were countless days I spent alone with no one but my mother nearby. For hours we would stay there and pour out our hearts until there wasn't a tear left for us to cry.|

In fact, I see now how I so afraid that I had forgotten how to speak.

It was a little choppy for me. The sentences and thoughts didn't really flow. While there is no lack of emotion, it seems a little withheld. I've read similar posts that have beautifully raw imagery that helped the reader feel the way the writer did. Yours seems forced, like it came from a can. There were a few grammar errors, a few little technical things you can fix. Also, the repetition of the word "carefree," was rather annoying. If you could find a few synonyms and use a few of those, that'd be splendiferous. Also, contractions aren't your sworn enemies. In fact, I'd encourage you to use them a little more often. Without them, your sentences seem robotic and too formal for a personal piece. Long review short, I'd say just work on your style, grammar and sentence structure and you'll be alright. I'd give this a 6 out of 10.

Meihn Fuhr!
This piece was moving. I really liked it, to be honest. The only con I would give it is the use of carefree. Not saying you used it wrong, who uses carefree wrong? I felt like it was over used to imply your feeling on the inside. When you first used it, it got me hooked. It was over applied
A little RTR story, in a different way. It did make the presence of emotion in it. I liked that,and if a girl ever feels like this, they should read this
Dr.Strangelove gives it
"Simply 8.3/10"

Meihn Fuhr!
This piece was moving. I really liked it, to be honest. The only con I would give it is the use of carefree. Not saying you used it wrong, who uses carefree wrong? I felt like it was over used to imply your feeling on the inside. When you first used it, it got me hooked. It was over applied
A little RTR story, in a different way. It did make the presence of emotion in it. I liked that,and if a girl ever feels like this, they should read this
Dr.Strangelove gives it
"Simply 8.3/10"

Hello! I believe you messaged me asking me to review this piece? Well here I am! Shall we get started?

"Its stronghold on me kept me detached from myself and reality." space between strong and hold I believe.

"They saw past the guise that I hid behind and saw me for not who I was presently, but for who I had the potential to be." Maybe change guise to disguise, same meaning I think? Also, consider re-wording 'and saw me for not who I was presently' to 'and saw me not for whom I was presently...' Also I think the who before I and after for should become whom?

"In fact, I so afraid that I had forgotten how to speak." 'I was so' maybe?

..."carefree children-who I longed to be." should who become whom?

Overall:
I think some of the writing seems awkward, like not how you would naturally speak, instead you tried to enhance some words and it took away from the raw element of the narrative. That's what I love most about narratives, the raw element, that the writer doesn't try and enhance the piece with fancy words, and this one did. Again, that may be how you naturally speak, in that case you did everything right. It sounds good just consider downgrading some words maybe. That's just my opinion, but you get what I mean. I know! Downgrade? What?!? But yeah, it just makes it flow better. Other than the few things I pointed out I loved this piece and related to it! If you have any questions about my review PM me or write on my wall! Have a lovely day!
--Hockeyfan87///Jenn