Children of war

Hi there! Roxy here as requested!
This is definatly an interesting consept for a poem! havent seen many like it!

There are a few things though!

"Does anyone see a child" I would change this line to -Has anyone seen a child" It sounds more relaxed-not as forced!

"He's got despair in his eyes
And does anyone hear the cries of a boy"
i feel like theres been a line omitted between these two lines, they just dont seem to connect properly.

"Can you see the pain, in his eyes,
Behind the tears, and tell he's lost hope,
For him, and his family too?"
If I were you I would change the first line into a question and change up the last two lines to suit it then.

I like the last paragraph, its strong!

Overall I think that its a good poem, but with a few tweeks Itll be a great poem!

Hope that helps!

Keep on writing!

Hello there Ariana! Dogs here with your review. Firstly if I may say, WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, some help, advice, or a review. I'd be happy to help you out . Anywho, on to the review. Interesting poem here, a lovely topic with lots of potential. There are a few lines that sound a little awkward, but we'll get there. Let's dive in now shall we?

Good opening for the first stanza, although I think what you're missing here is some more description and imagery. I want you to describe the child more, show how he's battered by war and his wounds festering with despair yada yada. Give us a bit more information there that can really add to this imagery. What you need to do here is to manipulate the reader's emotions for this boy so that they feel remorse for him. Describe him as sad and hurt and all that jazz.

"Oh, and do you hear the cries"

Try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Try saying: "Do you hear the cries..." instead.

"Also his family too?"

This line throws off the excellent rhythm you have going. I would suggest you just cut it out, it's not an essential piece of information for the reader so you can afford to not have it in this poem. Also as a side note, I understand grammar is entirely up to the reader, but I would suggest that you put some commas and periods into your stanzas. It'll make your writing much easier to read.

All and all a good piece, I like the ending. I think it falls a little flat though in terms of the effect on the reader because you didn't set up the sad and depressing sight of the child well enough. Do that and add in some grammar to your poem and you'll be raring to go. I enjoyed reading this piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi there! May I start by saying that I'm glad you chose this topic, as it's something that should be close to all of our hearts. Most news channels don't show us the everyday sufferings of children in war-torn countries and I commend you for picking up the subject.

Anyway, on to reviewing. First some spelling and such:

"Of a boy who's desolate and disenfranchised? Ed"

I'm not sure why it says Ed at the end here, unless this is the child's name? This seems unlikely, so I just thought I'd point that out.

"is just too much to bare for a child;

Also his family too?"

Bear is the correct spelling in this context, rather than bare. Also, the semicolon means that you don't need the word 'also' here. I'd suggest either using a comma or simply rephrasing that line. The line itself does feel a little clunky, so personally I would rephrase it.

"Is now fragile and weak;

He is now another child of war;"

Again, the use of semicolons seems a little forced here. I'd suggest reading your poem aloud while going through for punctuation, it helps you find the natural meter. The odd question mark or full stop would also help in a few lines. As a reader, it'd be easier if the rhythm is supported by the punctuation.

Overall, I liked the piece and I'd like to see it developed. The themes are there, the emotion's there, all that's lacking is just a little clarity in your punctuation and choice of language. A bit of tweaking here and there and I see a great poem. Keep at it

Hi there A.S!

I must say, your poem is absolutely fascinating! The emotions and idea is quite clear and I must say, you did a hell of a job displaying them.

I have a small comment, however. You said:
"Does anyone see a child,

Scarred by war and trauma

He's got despair in his eyes

Oh, and do you hear the cries

Of a boy who's desolate and disenfranchised? Ed"

When you mentioned "Ed" I was like: huh? Don't you think it's a bit out of place? Perhaps if you said: "[Has] anyone see a child," Instead of "Does anyone see a child," However, I think it's okay, I mean, you don't need to change it. I guess it frustrated me at first, because I didn't see it coming. Oh well, that's all, I guess.

Well done! Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Support your cause. Whatever the causes and politics behind any war, there are always a section of people who suffer for no fault of theirs. Children, among them, the most innocent.

I wrote a similar poem recently, if you've got the time to read:
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