Despite both its location in one of the shadier parts of the city, and the inauguration that was still going on, the Marquis and Barrel tavern was still occupied by a fair amount of people. This was due in part to the fact that’s its location actually kept away most of the guards, who didn’t want to patrol this far into the warren-like maze of streets that made up the Rogue’s Quarter on a good day, but also because it was as warm and clean as anything on this side of town ever got. The surprisingly good food and cheap ale was only a bonus as far as most of its patrons were concerned.
Lloyd began to relax as soon as he entered the tavern. Lyn moved away from his side to find a seat, muttering something about just wanting her usual order. He approached the counter, waving in greeting to a few faces he recognised. The tavern’s owner Aron Beck, a rather short, compact woman with a love of good food and better stories was gesturing wildly at one of the patrons. Said patron was tall and thin, his dark hair tied back so that it barely brushed the collar of a shirt not unlike Lloyd’s own. He could tell the man was new in town, firstly because of the long, travel worn cloak that concealed most of his form, and secondly because Aron was reciting her, now wildly embellished, tale of how the tavern had been named. He listened, his lips curving upwards, before stepping in. Both Aron and the stranger - dark skin, a thin scar on the left cheek of his aristocratic face beneath the most gorgeous brown eyes he had ever seen - turned to face him.
“Of course, if you want to know what really happened I’m afraid Aron is the last person you want to talk to.” His smirk broadened, reaching his eyes. “If a fight of such epic proportions happened here, she would be cowering in a corner somewhere. I’m afraid that the real tale is much simpler. The Eastwatch Marquis got a little too drunk, tripped over his feet and landed head first in a barrel. The poor man never quite recovered.”
Aron mock-glared at him, waving a finger, pale from too much time indoors, in the air between them. “And how am I supposed to make a name for myself when you make light of my brave deeds?”
“Spare me your precious, wounded, ego for now Aron. I’m more interested in three of your finest drinks and the identity of your friend.” Lloyd’s eyes ran over the stranger a second time.
Sadly the man’s face remained an expressionless mask, although from the movement of his eyes Lloyd could see he was also being sized up. He straightened, frustrated to discover that even at his full height he was still the shorter of the pair by a few inches. Aron coughed in the background, placing three flagons of ale on the somewhat stained counter without spilling so much as a drop of foam.
“He’s Alistair Cantrell. You know, the assassin whose number two on our new Consul’s personal hit list?”
As the pair turned to look at the barkeep, Lloyd decided not to question how Aron seemed to be the first to hear everything that went on in Shorebridge. Cantrell appeared to be following in suit, instead turning his gaze back on Lloyd. “You seem to be familiar with this city. I’m curious to who the so called “Master Thief” currently at number one is.”
“I am.” Lloyd could’ve slapped himself, would’ve if he thought it would stop this juvenile desire to impress Cantrell.
And Cantrell was clearly impressed, even despite the raised eyebrow. “You’ll have to tell me how you managed it. I hate losing, even to a worthy opponent.”
“And would you consider me a worthy opponent?”
“Perhaps.”
Lloyd wished he could master the cool, blank looks that gave nothing away, wished he didn’t blush quite so easily or so obviously, wished he wasn’t currently reliving his awkward adolescence. Fortunately the assassin put him out of his misery. “I do believe your - sister - is waiting for you?”
Lloyd turned to look in the same direction as Cantrell, realizing that he was looking at Lyn. He was about to correct the man when the door swung open, the handle banging into the groove on the wall as Kyden Tobyr swaggered in at the head of his gang of thugs. Lloyd cursed inwardly, using words he was never going to repeat around Lyn, as the city’s most brutal crime lord’s beady eyes swept the room and settled on him.
Tobyr approached leisurely, slinging an arm around Lloyd’s shoulders and pulling him close enough. Lloyd suppressed a shudder as the young crime lord's greasy red hair brushed his neck, and a wince as his voice boomed out uncomfortably close to his ears. He was aware of Cantrell watching the situation with interest and of Aron sidling away behind the bar.
“Lloyd! It’s been too long. Remind me why I’ve made this unforgivable blunder of ignoring such a good friend for so long?” Tobyr’s words oozed menace, and not just from the stench of his breath.
Lloyd kept his voice calm, hoping the man would get bored sooner rather than later. “Neither I, nor my apprentice, appreciated the advances you were making. And I assure you, from where I’m standing it hasn’t been nearly long enough.”
“Oh of course!” Tobyr smirked. “Dear little Lyn. You haven’t lost her, have you? Thieving can be such a dangerous line of work.” He jabbed a meaty finger, adorned with two golden rings in her direction. “No, there she is!”
Lloyd met Tobyr’s eyes, his voice taking on a hint of danger and desperation. “I don’t like where I think you’re going with this. If you’re threatening her…”
“Me? Threatening? I’m just warning you, as a friend. Just like, as a friend, I tracked you down to tell you about the new toll.”
“What bloody toll?” Lloyd’s eyes narrowed.
“The crime toll of course! The one stopping me and my men from handing any known criminals over to the Consul. Don’t worry, as a favour to an old friend I’ll let you off the hook this time. But I’m afraid I can’t make the same exceptions for everyone.” He snapped his fingers, signalling for a couple of his men to approach Lyn.
Lloyd surged forward, his fist connecting with the crime lord’s chin. It was like punching a brick wall. A living, breathing brick wall that was very capable of holding grudges. Tobyr drew back his own fist, sending Lloyd flying backwards when he hit him. The thief’s head hit the counter and he slid to the floor. Get up, get Lyn, get out, he told himself, struggling to return to his feet.
He had barely moved to the side when another patron came flying through the air, slamming against the counter in the same place that he had. As soon as he had checked that the man, he thought it was a man, was still breathing he stumbled onwards, snatching up a chair that he held in front of him like a shield as he tried to push his way through the crowd to where he had last seen Lyn.
He could hear Aron yelling on his right as she held off two of Tobyr’s gang with a frying pan, could vaguely see a shape that he assumed to be Cantrell moving through the crowd as if this was all a familiar dance to him. And there, there was a small, dark haired figure standing on a table and kicking a man who tried to grab her in the face. He felt a surge of pride, then despair at how far away she was.
“Clear out! Clear out now!” Tobyr’s voice cut through the fog as the man ran from the bar, his gang following close behind.
Lloyd launched himself forward, determined to smash the chair over Tobyr’s head if it was the last thing he did. He hissed as someone grabbed it, prying his hands off and tossing it away. “Calm down. She’s fine for now, but Tobyr only left because the guard are on their way. We need to get out of here, unless you want a private chat with the Consul.”
He must have been taking too long to respond, because he suddenly found himself being lifted off the ground. He cried out indignantly even as the bar spun before his eyes. “I’m going to kill you Cantrell. I’m going to bloody kill you.”
The assassin chuckled, a deep, rich sound. “When you’re not fighting a head injury you’re welcome to try.” And with that the man fled the bar followed, Lloyd hoped, by Lyn.
He ran over badly paved streets that bounced Lloyd’s head up and down, around sharp corners that scraped against his arms and legs. Evidently he wasn’t used to carrying a living human. Lloyd almost considered asking him to just dump him on the ground and leave him for the Consul, anything to make his head stop aching and his vision stop blurring. As if the gods could read his thoughts he felt the first drops of rain land on his back.
Finally they stopped, in yet another shady alleyway. The assassin deposited Lloyd back on his feet, propping him against a wall. He promptly, in a move that he was going to regret later, leaned forwards and emptied the contents of his stomach over Cantrell’s boots. Gathering the strength to turn away he pressed on arm against the rough brick of the wall, resting his weight on it as he dry-heaved for a while. Two sets of concerned brown eyes watched him. He groaned between coughs. “Kill me now.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
That was awesome! I loved it! Very well written and interesting too! I was funny and adventurous! There are only a few things I want to point out, but I won't be getting a lot of review points from this one!
First is this sentence, "He could tell the man was new in town, firstly because of the long, travel worn cloak that concealed most of his form, and secondly because Aron was reciting her, now wildly embellished, tale of how the tavern had been named." It is a long sentence, you might want to shorten it and it does not make sense because it is a run on sentence.
"Both Aron and the stranger - dark skin, a thin scar on the left cheek of his aristocratic face beneath the most gorgeous brown eyes he had ever seen - turned to face him."
“I do believe your - sister - is waiting for you?” Why do you use the - to separate things, there should be commas where the - is.
One more thought, if Lloyd is a master thief, then he should be a better fighter. He was defeated quite easily.
And thats all!
~Iris
Hi there!
Well, well, well, I'm just racking up the novels I'm going to have to read from the beginning today. Luckily this is only the second chapter, so at least it won't be tough to catch up on your story.
Things got a little confusing for a moment at the beginning because so many characters were introduced and/or named in quick succession.
That's four characters in the space of a short paragraph, although I accept that Lloyd and Lyn were presumably introduced in the previous chapter. However, we get the patron's name, Alistair Cantrell, a couple paragraphs later, and then meet a new character - Kyden Tobyr - a few paragraphs after that. Tobyr might have been introduced in the previous chapter, but I doubt it since he's described here as "the city’s most brutal crime lord," which we would probably already know if he'd already been introduced.
Also, for action lines, these were strangely worded:
"his fist connecting with" and "drew back his own fist, sending" remove us from the action a bit, especially "his fist connecting with." "Punched" is a so much stronger verb. I understand if you don't want to use it too much here - if both men are described as "punching," it could get a little repetitive - but "Lloyd surged forward and punched the crime lord in the chin. It was like hitting a brick wall..." is a more action-packed sentence than "Lloyd surged forward, his fist connecting with..." which also sort of makes it sound like Lloyd's fist is doing this all on its own. It's a little thing, but it's distracting.
Otherwise, I enjoyed this chapter a lot. I liked the humor of Lloyd's awkwardness - feeling like he's reliving adolescence, puking on Cantrell's boots - the image of Aron holding off some thugs with a frying pan, Lloyd stupidly trying to impress this handsome guy. It was action-packed, but you started the scene off with some interactions that gave us time to get a feel for the characters involved before diving into people throwing punches.
Tag me when you post more, please.
Hey there! MJ back for another #RevMo review
This is a good example of somewhere where you could show this instead of tell. For instance, what if Lloyd went up to buy some ale and it was cheaper than usual, or you described the food in a way that made it seem better than most tavern food?So why is this in italics? Is Lloyd thinking it? It's an odd way to describe somebody, and different than what you usually had done.
Why is he telling himself this? Shouldn't he be screaming at Lyn, or praying that Lyn makes it out, or something? It just seems kind of odd to me.
So overall, I liked the intense action here and the page-turning adventures of a thief wanted by the kingdom. However, I got a little confused when you introduced three or four characters that didn't have a name. I got confused with the pronouns and who was doing what and what each one's agenda was. You also did a lot of showing instead of telling, especially in the area of descriptions.
Descriptions are one area that you could possibly work on. I'll give you my suggestions, but keep in mind that I am far from an expert at description, and I would only consider myself decent at best.
The first sentence is pretty good. I like that description, but I would prefer seeing a bit of her personality through maybe what she's wearing, something striking about her, something about her movements. Maybe she moves briskly, or slowly, or her apron swishes when she moves, or something. And here's how I would rephrase the second statement:
"...gesturing wildly at one of the patrons, who was tall and slender, dark hair tied back so it barely brushed the collar of his shirt similar to Lloyd's. The man was clearly new in town, obvious because of his traveling cloak that went all the way down to his ankles."
That's all I have for you today, so if you have any questions or concerns, let me know, and I'll help you out in any way I can! Good luck with this story, and I'll be around to give you some more reviews when you publish the next chapter.
Best wishes and RevMo cheer,
MJ