AN: So I published this previously on my old account, seraphinaxx. Managed to get back into it and decided I really wanted to continue this old thing. So this is a rework of the first chapter. Hope you enjoy! :D
The sound of running footsteps was what woke him. Lloyd groaned, his mind sluggish from sleep. He reached out, felt for the dagger he kept on the small table next to his bed. As soon as his fingers closed around it he was up and moving, silently pressing himself against the wall to the left of his front door. He crouched slightly, his body tensing up in anticipation.
As the door was flung open, slamming against the wall on the other side of the doorframe he surged forward. Taking the intruder by surprise he grabbed their shoulder, shoving them roughly against the door and pressing the tip of the blade to their throat. Finally he could see their face, and his eyes narrowed in recognition. He released the intruder and cleared his throat as he dropped the dagger back on his bedside table. “Lyn. I assume you have a damn good reason for waking me up and probably leading half the guard straight to my door.” Concern spread across his face, softening it. “I’m sorry. Are you alright?”
She stepped away from the wall, rubbing her shoulder as she caught her breath. “I’m fine. It’s nothing like that. It’s - it’s Trevalli. He’s back,” she said, wincing.
Lloyd froze. Her words hung in the air as the seconds ticked by. Finally he sucked in a breath, let it out, blinked. When he spoke, his tone was cautious. “Are you certain? I thought even he knew better than to come back after he escaped from the guard…” He cut himself off. Lyn had taken the full extent of the Trevalli Murders even worse than he had, and even he still had trouble sleeping sometimes thinking about them.
Lyn bit her lip, a nervous tic. “It’s worse than that. He’s changed, it’s like he’s hypnotic. He’s taking over the city. You need to see for yourself!”
Now he looked at her properly, seeing how pale and drawn out her face was. He reached out and held her for a moment, feeling her trembling against him. Part of him wanted to tremble himself, and then to convince her to leave Shorebridge before it was too late. But deep down he knew that it was his responsibility to sort this mess out. He sighed, steeling himself, then reached for his boots. “Show me.”
~
The sun was high in the sky as they neared the crowd. The duo pulled up their hoods in unison and slipped down an alleyway. It was an easy climb to reach the rooftops, and they were soon racing along, each step placed with expert precision. As they neared the city centre they could hear Trevalli’s voice, its magically magnified cadence filling the air. They halted near the edge of the roof, keeping to what little shadows there were.
“...I know some of you have your doubts and I understand them. But I stand here today to swear to you, my people, that I have changed. It is because of the mistakes of my past, that I have found my dedication to make Shorebridge a safer place for us all as your new Consul!”
Lloyd’s first thought as he watched Sebastian Trevalli was that exile hadn’t killed any of his arrogance. Segments of the crowd in front of him radiated hostility and yet he stood as if he was returning home while cheered on by friends. His tone and posture were confident and welcoming, his voice smooth, clear and authoritative, a charming smile on his face.
As he continued to speak, Lloyd felt himself relaxing. Maybe he had changed, maybe he deserved a second chance. What harm could it do to allow him that one little thing? Surely it would be worth it, if only it meant that smile would remain for even a second longer, reassuring him and making him feel like part of something bigger.
A little voice screamed inside his mind. He shook his head back and forth, trying to silence it and stop it from distracting him, but it just got louder. His head felt fuzzy and a sick feeling rose in his stomach from the mental war going on within him. Finally something snapped, and fear began to pool in his stomach as he realized the spell Trevalli had cast over him and over the crowd below.
Almost as if the young man could sense his spell losing it’s grip on Lloyd he looked up, his smile faltering as their eyes met. Lloyd met his gaze, shivering a little at the cold look in his green eyes. Finally, finally Trevalli's eyes moved on, leaving Lloyd shuddering. He reached out to rest a hand on Lyn’s arm. “I’ve seen enough. Let’s go.” His voice was sharp, disguising the panic he felt. She ignored him, as enraptured by Trevalli’s words as he had been a moment ago. He lifted her off the ground, swinging her other his shoulder and taking off at run. She struggled against him for a while, hissing and scratching, but he ignored it, only setting her down once he was sure Trevalli’s influence had worn off.
The mood was somber as they climbed from the roof, into a different alleyway from before. He leaned against a wall with his arms folded, feeling its reassuring coldness against his back. Lyn irritably kicked at a rock, sending it flying. He could feel a sense of hopelessness pooling in his stomach as he refrained from voicing the question both of them were thinking - what the hell were they supposed to do against Trevalli now that he had some kind of power and a grudge against them both? Surely with his new position it was only a matter of time before he discovered the identities of the people who had uncovered his crimes two years ago.
No! He was not going to give into despair in this dingy alley, with the rundown houses on either side and the crumbling cobblestones paving it. They had beaten him once, and they could damn well do it again. But first… He walked over to his apprentice, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Come on, let’s go see if Aron saved us both a drink. Gods know we deserve it.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Oh my god. I read the title wrong. All this time I was thinking it was trials of a master Chief. {face palms}
Pros: I for one love the characters. I like how you can perfectly envision where the characters are. I adore the way you describe everything. I have to say this feels a lot more like a superhero story. Although to most people this seems bad, to me this is a good thing. Since I don't know wether or not you want to expand on this,. Either way I love this. Also you did a really good job at giving the characters determination and will. Finally, I love how you gave the characters weaknesses. This is for Better than most fan adaptations where they make all the characters be Mary Sues.
Cons: "Felt himself relaxing" that just doesn't make sense to me. "Pulled off their hoods in unison" as stated before I like how you described everything. However something just aren't worth describing. We don't neeed to know everything. We just need to know enough for the plot to start settling. Why would you have these characters go and be really sad at the begging. That should happen near the end. That way the protagonists would give it all their all. They would go and kill the villain in a blaze of glory. That way your audience would feel really good when the characters won. Thus you would feel good. And be happy. Finally if the villian was hypnotic and had some form of power. Shouldn't the villain be political and make the whole city go against Lloyd and lyn. Overall 9 and a half out of ten. Meaning this is worthy enough to be one of the many stories here that are more than worthy of getting a movie deal. Would read again. Farewell everyone. And may the writing gods be with you.
Wow! What an awesome beginning to what seems like an awesome story! Not much I can correct you on, but here goes nothing!
Fist off, I am not sure what time period this story is set in, not sure if it was on purpose, but I think most readers like to know the time period.
You did not write a lot about the surroundings, if there was more description of the surroundings, then the reader can infer about the time period, where they are and give the story a more realistic feel.
Also, what dose Lyn, and Trevalli look like? When the reader gets a description of the main characters, they can picture them in their heads and the characters become more personal.
That's all I got, food for thought! Hope I helped!
~Iris Rose
Hey there! MJ back for a nice review
I don't like the term 'properly' here, for whatever reason, so maybe rephrasing it to say "Now that he had time to look at her more closely," or something, it would seem better.
I don't like the ellipses here, because it separates it too much to be like a comma or a natural pause, and yet it's not separated enough to seem like there was some hesitation and little suspense.
You did a good job introducing the characters here, and the way you started the chapter was almost flawless. The suspense built up, and then the reveal allows the reader to let out their breath before they prepare for the next big plot development. I loved the description used in this, and it was really brilliantly done.
However, you used a lot of adverbs, and they sometimes seemed to support your verbs more than they should. It's best to use adverbs sparingly, and therefore avoid using them as crutches for your verbs, since that can be a dangerous path. All your words should be equally strong, building on one another instead of one extra-good word making up for a not-so-good word.
I would like to see more of the relationship between Lyn and Lloyd, and the beset way for this to be shown is through more extensive dialogue. You can definitely make this longer, just slip in a few parts where they're talking, and you can see more clearly that Lloyd treats her like a younger sister, or an apprentice, or a servant, or a companion, or whatever. It would also be good to get to know the characters individually, and see their relationships. That would help the reader get attached to the characters and then be more interested in the story as a result.
Overall, this was a strong chapter with a lot of nice description that drew me in. You have a lot of skills in writing, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter! I'm glad you decided to continue writing this, and although there can always be improvements, I hope that this review encouraged you by pointing out some possible areas of improvement and also some areas in which you did well. Let me know if you have any questions/concerns, and I'll do my best to help clear all that up for you.
Best wishes and RevMo cheer,
MJ
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
Your beginning holds a nice form of suspense. While we don't know much about the characters or the setting, I'm assuming this is going to take place in some castle or whatnot. It is usually best for when starting a story, you start it off with some background info as to what is happening so when the reader is reading it, they can be able to understand when and what is happening. Your beginning, as I said before, does hold some suspense but it would be kind of nice to get to know Lloyd a little more and as to why he was all jumpy and what not. I'd also like to see some description of Lloyd for both his speaking and overall appearance; it helps with imagining them a bit more.
Some small things I noticed throughout this chapter:
There should be a comma after 'finally'; instead of using 'ticked', you could possibly use 'went' because went seems to be more like a metaphorically longer time period than ticked if that makes sense; there should be an 'and' before blinked because it is more of a listing of his actions.
Like what Holy said below, writing the first chapter is to usually set the stage for what is going to happen later. To bring in characters and give them a role and to slowly introduce the conflict at hand. It is usually best to plan ahead of what you are wanting to write and from there, you can be able to figure out later chapters with the info you planned in this chapter.
The dialogue throughout this chapter is interesting but seems to fall short of bringing forth some form of description. Basically, you should add some type of description to the people speaking. Much like writing a scene, dialogue holds a key point to help the reader able to hear the voice inside of their own head and it can also help you figure out what they might sound like.
Overall, this was an interesting chapter! I like reading first chapters and I'm quite excited to what will happen in the future. If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hey there! How about a review this lovely day in the month of RevMo!
I have to be honest with you, I was super stoked to see a first chapter in the Green Room! I do jump in on novels to review their chapters, but it can get tiring reading stories in the middle. So this is a nice break.
First of all, you've got some pretty solid writing here! I have a pretty good feeling about this Lloyd character in the sense that he seems pretty chill and someone I'd like to get to know- plus his banter with Lyn flows well and is pretty humorous. My favourite was that last line:
I'm really interested to see how these characters fare in the coming chapters! C:
Now something that I think made this chapter a little hard to get into, was that it basically started off in an action scene. Action is cool, but it's generally not incredibly interesting if we 1. don't know the characters, 2. don't really know the extent of the conflict, and 3. just in general don't really know what's happening. The first chapter is to introduce the characters, and set the scene for the rest of the novel. But we didn't really get to know your characters too well, I don't think. Where do they live? How does Lyn and Lloyd know each other- just went back and read she's his apprentice? What's Lyn's favourite dessert? I'm not asking for an info dump, but just some time to get to know your characters.
The thing about action is, if we don't know really what's happening and why, our eyes just kind of glaze over (or at least, that's what mine do- which might be why I've missed parts of the story), so it's not something ideal normally to open a story on, in my opinion.
But even if you want to keep it opening with action (which is fine, you're the writer of this lovely story) then I might suggest a little more narration? What's the word... like internal dialogue for third person. I'd like to know what's going on in these characters minds, so I can relate to them more, and understand the story better.
Other than that, I thought this was really great! And I'm interested to see where these characters go! C: Also hopefully this review was helpful, and it wasn't just my brain fuzzing over. Keep it up!
-Socks
yeah, my mates said "yo describe more n slow things down, Dents!!" so I get what you're talking about lol. I'll keep all that in mind
Very nicely written! However you did use a lot of descriptive words, instead of moving it along. Very nice, though! I like the content!