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Trials of a Master Thief: Chapter 3

by ardentlyThieving


Lloyd could sense the worry in Lyn and Cantrell’s eyes as they watched him. He straightened, resisting the urge to give in and collapse onto the ground. His vision still blurred, he stumbled as he stepped forwards. “Well. What are you both staring at?” he snapped.

Lyn took a step towards him then halted. “Are - are you okay?”

He shoved away her hand as she reached out to steady him. “Fine. I’m fine.” Gods, Cantrell must think he was such a mess, nothing like his reputation would suggest.

Lyn shifted from foot to foot, nervously biting down on her lip. “If you’re sure… I need to go home.”

He was about to nod in agreement - it was starting to get light - when a thought brushed against his mind. His eyes glazed slightly as he focused on it. The right corner of his mouth curled in concerned anger as he lurched forward, grabbing her wrist. “Are you bloody insane? With Trevalli back it’s not safe. If he even suspects the truth he’ll kill you!”

Gods, he was an idiot. Lyn knew the dangers of her position perfectly well, and right now she didn’t need him pressuring her into a decision. His face slackened with regret as he released her wrist. “Lyn, I’m sorry, I swear. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

The silence stretched on for a moment before she grinned at him. “I get it. You’re an overprotective old man.”

He rolled his eyes at that. “Positively ancient.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll spare your failing heart as much worry as I can. I promise I’ll clear out if Kyden starts sniffing around too much. I really do need to go though. It’s been hours.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do.”

“Reassuring as always I see,” he muttered dryly.

~

As he watched the dark haired girl walk away the stench of his bile filled his nostrils. He turned to Cantrell, who had been watching the scene in silence. “I can offer you a room for the night. I assume you bought one from Aron before our unfortunate bar fight and I would hate for you to lose money because of me.”

The assassin chuckled, sending little tingles down Lloyd’s spine. “A thief who cares about other people’s money? You continue to be full of surprises.”

“Careful or I might rescind my offer,” Lloyd teased as he began to carefully make his way back home. He had never noticed before how uneven the roads were. But now he was tripping over every single stone. They walked in companionable silence through the twisting maze of dusty streets as Shorebridge continued to go about its business around them.

They were jostled by the crowd of ordinary citizens as they made their way past brightly lit homes, colourfully decorated stores and carts of delicious smelling food that reminded Lloyd that he’d never gotten the chance to eat anything at the tavern. The two men passed a duo of patrolling guards, an old woman with a basket of flowers, a group of small children sharing a sticky candy outside a shoemaker’s. As the crowd thinned out to allow another patrol to pass Cantrell halted by a vendor. Exchanging a handful of coins for two sandwiches he handed one to Lloyd. “I can hear your stomach growling from here.”

Lloyd considered denying it, but his mouth was watering from the smell of warm food. Although he wasn’t about to ask what kind of meat was in the sandwich he had to admit that it tasted as good as it smelled. “Thank you,” he said sincerely.

~

The two men finished their sandwiches as they turned down a side street, entering through the open doorway of yet another rundown building. Lloyd led the way down the hallway past wooden doors with thick locks on them. He made his way up the flight of stairs at the end, taking care not to step on the moldy patches dotted here and there. On the top floor the doors were further apart, but with the same thick locks. They stopped outside the door at the end, the only one without a lock and Lloyd swung the door open, stepping aside to let Cantrell enter first. “Home, sweet home.”

Despite his sarcastic words the small apartment was nicer than what the rest of the building might’ve lead a visitor to expect. A small bed was shoved up under the large, almost clean window. A sofa covered in cushions rested against the opposite wall. Next to the sofa stood a tall shelf that was crammed full with well-read books. A plain rug covered the middle of the wooden floor, with a small table placed on top of it. Three closed doors took up most of the space on the wall across from the entrance. Lloyd pointed to them from left to right.

“Kitchen, cupboard, bathroom. You can have the sofa. Spare blankets are in the cupboard. There might be a knife or two in the cupboard as well, so watch out for that. I don’t have a lock because I find it invites amateurs to try and prove they can pick it, and anyway no one would try to rob someone living in a building like this. Now that should answer all your questions, so if you’ll excuse me I’m feeling rather tired.” And with that monologue over he collapsed onto the bed, blacking out before his head even touched the pillow. 


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Mon Sep 18, 2017 3:31 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Thieving! (Can I call you that?) Welcome to YWS! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul

With that out of the way, let's go to...

STOP! It's Grammar time:



You have very good grammar. I only have some nitpicks :D

His vision still blurred, he stumbled as he stepped forwards.


I would change the comma to a semicolon. This sentence screams comma splice to me.

anyway


In the last paragraph I would remove this. It makes your sentence awkward.

Things I noticed:



I got confused between who Lloyd and Lyn were. Their names are spelled very similar and of course it didn't help that I haven't read the other chapters. As a rule of thumb (if you've ever read GoT you would know this) if you make characters whose names sound the same you are bound to confuse the reader, so I would change either Lloyd and Lyn's name (personally, I would change Lloyd's, since there are a lot of famous characters named Lloyd already, but okay) into a name that means their profession, or something ironic instead. :D

With that aside, that's all I wanted to say.

Overall:



I thought this was a very short, but entertaining chapter. Your descriptions I could imagine (and I have a very imaginative mind :wink:) and the only major problem was that the characters were confusing. Good job.

Why haven't you given me your soul yet? Give it --

Kara.






I'm sorry, my soul has already been drained out of my by my mock exams. Wow yeah, I didn't realize quite how similar Lyn's nickname and Lloyd's actual name is to each other like... should fix that...

I'm glad you like this otherwise!



zaminami says...


;D give me the remnants of your soul :wink:



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Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:25 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Oh, Lloyd. Master thief, master host...wait, no, very much not a master host. I'm giggling at this idea of him just being like, "That should answer all your questions, good night" and passing out. Dude.

It's funny, but at the same time I feel like I needed more of a build-up to that - especially since Lloyd really wants to impress Cantrell, and, ahem, falling asleep immediately after curtly telling your guest where things are in your apartment is rather the opposite of impressive. I'm sure Lloyd really is exhausted, and he's got a minor head injury too, I think. But he wants to impress Cantrell, and Cantrell kindly bought him a sandwich. I think two things would help here.

1. Lloyd feeling exhausted/dizzy/otherwise-pre-passing-out on their way back to his place, like we can see he's feeling that way but trying to fight it, so then when he finally gives in it makes sense.
2. Lloyd maybe having a little less control there at the end, or Cantrell showing concern, or both? Like it really seems like he passes out vs. falling asleep, which makes sense considering the head injury. He probably has a minor concussion. But he's able to just give his spiel about the apartment and the BAM black out but safely in bed. So if he was feeling kind of woozy or really had to focus while giving his spiel and then Cantrell's like, "Um, are you okay?" and [i]then he passes out, that would feel more natural, I think.

In other news, I'm 100% sure Lloyd is crushing hard on Cantrell at this point, so I'm interested to see that develop. I also loved this line.

She pulled him into a tight hug. “I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do.”

“Reassuring as always I see,” he muttered dryly.


Basically just what I thought when Lyn said she wouldn't do anything Lloyd wouldn't do.

I'm also excited to see Lloyd in action as a thief sometime, since so far most of what we've seen of him has been him being awkward - not at all what you'd expect of a master thief, which I love, but at some point he's gonna have to show off his skills so that we can see for ourselves that he really is a master thief.

Image






Yeah, I should probably put more in than one line saying that Lloyd is having a bit of trouble walking as it's a little easy to miss.



BluesClues says...


Yeah, I don't remember that part at all!



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Mon Sep 18, 2017 12:31 pm
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[user]@BlueAfrica[/user] you asked me to tag u when I update!!




BluesClues says...


Thanks muchos!




Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown