• Home

Young Writers Society

16+ Language

Life List⁷ (chapter three)

by archrnln

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.


Hero jolted awake.

Why do I feel this way?

His chest burnt with agonising pain, when he coughed he could taste iron and feel droplets of blood landing on his fingers. He turned away from Jayce so he wouldn’t get anything on him. Hero clamped his hand over his mouth as his shoulders shook and his body convulsed from the excruciating pain that tore through him.

He managed to reach for his phone on the side table and check the time.


Hero’s phone dropped from his hand. He trembled uncontrollably and coughed more, spraying blood onto the carpet. Rivulets trickled down his chin but his hands could not wipe them away. “Help” he croaked, his eyes rolled back into his head as more pain hit him like a freight train.

JiJi heard whimpering.

At first he thought it was part of his dream

Then, as his mind struggled to pull itself from slumber, he saw something that made him shriek. A face with blood dripping from its mouth and nothing but the whites of its eyes showing. “Whagoinon?” Tay sat up at JiJi’s cry and saw for himself what was going on. “What the bloody hell!” he stumbled over to the wall and fumbled for the light switch, the room suddenly blazed with white. The other boys woke up, some of them yelling angrily and all of them groggily opening their eyes. JiJi squinted to try to see in the brightness that attacked his retina, he finally made out the crumpled form of Hero, sobbing at the commotion and the pain. “Oh my god!” JiJi ran over to his younger friend “Hero you’re bleeding!”

That stirred the boys into action, Baby rushed to the en suite to get a wet flannel and Ju grabbed Hero’s medication out of his toiletry bag. “It’s okay Hero” JiJi rocked the distraught boy in his arms “I’m sorry I screamed, I got a fright, I should have woken up quicker. I’m sorry” JiJi was kicking himself for his reaction earlier. He should have been calm and comforted Hero rather than screaming at the sight of him.

“Here, let’s get you cleaned up” Baby wiped Hero’s face and mouth, treating him as though if he was too rough Hero would shatter. Ju sat next to his three friends, “I have his tranexamic acid tablets,” he said as he handed a water bottle to Hero. JiJi unscrewed it and held the bottle up to Hero’s mouth along with his tablets. After a pained grimace and swallow, Hero slumped into JiJi. Gael had found cleaning supplies and had managed to get the bloodstains out of the floor before they dried too much. Baby and JiJi helped Hero to the bathroom so he could clean the rest of the drying blood off of himself.

“I’m sorry guys” Hero sniffled as he dabbed at his lips with a cotton pad. Baby gave a contemptuous snort, “you didn’t make that happen Hero,” he said firmly. JiJi nodded in agreement.

Ju had turned off the main light much to the relief of everyone’s eyes and had the bedside lamps on a dim setting.

“I’m not tired anymore!” Jayce bounced onto the pullout couch where Gael was curled in a tight ball. Jayce poked him. The ball made a grumbling sound, then went silent. “Gael” Jayce bapped him with a pillow.





“Ga- Ahhhhhh!”

Jayce screeched as he had been attacked by the Gael-ball and was now being suffocated in the blanket. No one assisted him, in order to avoid injury it was best to let Gael do what he pleased.

“I surrender!”

“Gael I can’t breathe!”


Gael reluctantly got off of Jayce, and curled back into a ball with a murmured threat.

“Shut up” Jayce huffed at the other boys who were laughing hysterically “you all could have helped me” he grouched and retreated to his and Hero’s bed. Hero giggled at his friends' antics but quickly dissolved into a coughing fit, luckily the presence of blood was absent this time.

“Time to sleep I think,” Ju filled up Hero’s water bottle and put it within reach in case he woke up thirsty and didn’t have the strength to get up. Jayce snuggled him closer and one by one the rest of the group clambered into Hero and Jayce’s bed, bar one.

“Gael, come cuddle with Hero”

The blanket ball rose and shuffled the few steps to the bed before falling with a muffled flump into the only available space next to Hero. “Hey Gael” Hero smiled and buried his face into the juncture between Gael’s shoulder and neck. “Mm” Gael replied, and, two seconds later gave a tiny snore that was uncharacteristically adorable. Hero let his eyes droop, it was a good idea to sleep while his painkillers were working, he let the warm bodies of the others calm him and pushed the rest of his numerous worries out of his mind.

Live in the moment, and you shall always be free.

Is this a review?



User avatar
965 Reviews

Points: 256
Reviews: 965

Sat Feb 24, 2024 5:56 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the review?

Top Graham Cracker - Hero experiences bits of his sickness, but his friends are there to comfort him, because they love him dearly and well.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -I think that there should be a period after the word “dream”, but if you like it the way it is, then you don’t need to do anything.

Chocolate Bar - I love how they all cuddled in the end. It’s only human that they would be frightened at first, but then they helped Hero. That’s what matters. I’ll be sure to stick around for the rest of Hero’s journey, to watch him complete his life list.

Closing Graham Cracker - A chapter on the kindness and genuine love of friends. Hopefully Hero is able to do all the things that he wants and more. Only time will tell, but the end waits in shining colors.

I wish you a beautiful day/night!

User avatar
151 Reviews

Points: 39462
Reviews: 151

Wed Feb 21, 2024 10:23 pm
PKMichelle wrote a review...

Hello again, friend!
I’m back to check out another awesome chapter and leave a fun-filled Cheshire-Cat-style review!


“The proper order of things is often a mystery to me.” - My Interpretation

This was a wonderful addition to your novel! It showed the beautiful relationship all of the boys have and how supportive they are in a very unique way!

Brief Summary: Hero wakes up in excruciating pain, only to find he's coughing/spitting up blood. This startles him and causes him to wake his friends up for help. After they get over the grumpiness of the light, they all help him before getting into bed and cuddling with him.

This was a quick chapter with not much going on; however, it was still a lot of fun to see the friends' dynamic!

“Every adventure requires a first step.” - Some Advice

I have a very nit-picky thing to mention here, but other than that, this was a really good chapter! The nit-picky problem is related to the way you wrote the time near the beginning of the chapter. You said,


And this isn't wrong, but it's not the most traditional way to write the time, more specifically, the "am" part. It should look a little more like this:

3:17 a.m.

But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.

“A rose is still a rose, even hidden under different petals.” - My Favorites

There were many great things going on in this short little chapter, but my favorite parts are definitely related to the relationship between the boys! You wrote it so well and made them seem so loving in all the best ways!

One thing that stood out to me in regards to the friendship between all of the boys came when Hero startled them all awake, and they were sorry for reacting the way they did. You said,

“I’m sorry I screamed; I got a fright; I should have woken up quicker. I’m sorry” JiJi was kicking himself for his reaction earlier.

This part does a great job of showing how much they all care about Hero, and how they'll do anything to keep him as comfortable as possible. It's a wonderful dynamic, and I love reading it, so kudos to you for writing it that way!

Another thing that really seemed to catch my eye in this chapter related to the boys was when they all climbed into bed with Hero—nothing was awkward at all. You said,

Jayce snuggled him closer, and one by one, the rest of the group clambered into Hero and Jayce’s bed, bar one.

I absolutely love friendships like this! Where they can all be close and quite intimate, but the relationship is still entirely platonic. It's a beautiful thing, and I completely adore how you wrote it, so good job there!

You've done a wonderful job portraying the relationship between all of the boys!

“Collect what you can. Use it wisely.” - Overall Thoughts

This was an amazing chapter! I had a lot of fun reading it and taking in all of the intricacies of the boys' friendship! I look forward to the next chapter, and I can't wait to see you there!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!

Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk