Okay before starting, just letting you know that the 1st part of this story is in fantasy fiction. The main character is a little over emotional. The beginning of this part might over-lap a little with the end if the 1st part.
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When I arrived back to the room, the doctor was there with some not-so-pleasant news.
"William's injuries will require surgery," he said.
'Injuries?' i thought to myself. 'There's more than one?' "I'm sorry sir, but he only has the one broken ankle. There are no other injuries."
"Rich, if you don't mind, I'll have you escort Miss McNeil out of the room," said the doctor in a...oh what was it...sad...no...distasteful perhaps, tone.
I stood my ground, ready to object but Rich's massive size intimidated me enough to back down and out of the door.
"What's going on in there?" I snapped at Rich, who too had been asked to wait outside.
"Your guess is as good as mine," he replied.
I began to feel dizzy. Was it worry? No not worry. Paranoia maybe? Whatever it was I didn't get the chance to figure it out because before I knew it, I introduced myself to the tile floor with my face.
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OKay well u really need to read the first oart in order to understand everything. I would have written more but I got too tired and couldn't write anymore. So before you go and comment on this, go read the first part because this won't make any sense if you don't read the beginning.
*Archer*
Hai!
“Not-so-pleasant news” is really casual and flippant. I haven’t read the first part, but from the character’s reactions later on, it seems as though she does care about what happens to William. “Not-so-pleasant” is so flippant, it makes it seem as though she doesn’t care at all, so change it to something like “worrying” – at least.
It’s more common to put thoughts in italics, because that way they don’t get muddled up with spoken speech. Also, you need to capitalise that first “i”.
Too many words. You don’t need to put it all those ellipses and adjectives or thoughts. Just say “distasteful tone”, it’s so much simpler. Why is the doctor distasteful, by the way? Surely he’d want to (nicely) explain William’s injuries to her if they’re more severe than she first thought?
I don’t really understand the tone here. It seems, like the not-so-pleasant news, flippant and light in what seems to be a serious situation. Try and keep the tone consistent throughout the piece, otherwise you just end up confusing people.
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This was too short to get a good impression of where the plot’s going, or of the characters or anything else. Try and post chapters or chunks of greater length, so that your readers can come to a better understanding of your story. ^_^
Mainly, though, I think your problem is with keeping the tone consistent. The character’s voice is very light and sarcastic, which doesn’t fit with the serious elements, like William’s injuries, surgery, and the main character collapsing on the floor afterwards. Reading it, I’m sure what I’m supposed to be thinking – am I meant to be worried, because of the surgery and fainting? Or am I supposed to take the situation lightly, as the character’s tone suggests?
Your grammar and spelling are all fine, apart from that one un-capitalised “i”, so just get the tone worked out, and this will be fine!