Faerie Incident

It's kind of short, but I'm posting it anyways. Criticism makes things better. I'd appreciate it. :D :wink:

Violet eyes were watching me
They bore into me and made my skin creep
Soft voices crooning me
Trying to lull me to sleep

It was too much for me
I couldn’t keep awake
The tiny creatures fell towards me
My memory they did take

My life has been so different
Since that incident with the fey
My brother swore an oath
He would make the faeries pay

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
BubbleGirl
Review

I don't usually review poetry, but I'm a huge faerie geek so I thought I'd check this out...
I really liked this! :) It was eerie and inventive, and told a very interesting story. Is the speaker a changeling? (At least that's what it seemed like to me.) Also, is this going to be continued? I'd really like to see how the brother gets his revenge. Please PM me if you do continue this poem.
Good job and keep writing!

User avatar
aquababe
Comment

A fairy can also be called a faery, faerie, fay, or fae. :)
I always have difficulties with forcing my rhymes.
Thanks for the reviews!

User avatar
Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review · Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:49 pm

This is very interesting. Is it based on a previously written story or is it a stand-alone piece of work? There's just enough hints to tell a story behind it, which is good, though it does seem like a front for something much bigger. So, how to improve?

What's the past tense of bore?
I don't actually know the answer to that :p But bore sounds like a present tense word, and so it seems like you slip from past into present and back again in that second line. I'm not sure whether it's just me who has that impression, so it might be an idea to get a second opinion that.

Rhyming
Rhyming is good, and catchy, but forced rhymes can be equally as dreaful. Some of the lines (especially the change in style when you say "my memory they did take") seem quite forced in order to make the rhyme fit. The second line also seems like it's been kicked out of rhythm to make Creep fit with Sleep.
The last verse, however, I liked. Fey and Pay go well together, and the pair kind of left the last line ringing in my mind. That's good!

From the capital to the stop.
Even though poetry sits on lots of different lines, it still has to make gramatical sense. Punctuation is also still a key part of making it work. The easiest way to fix this is to momentarily imagine this is normal text, and ask yourself if it would make sense still. Where would you put the capital letters and full stops. For example "My brother swore an oath he would make the faeries pay" doesn't fully make sense. So you change it, either to "...swore an oath; he would make..." or, "...swore an oath 'that' he would make..."
Then the meaning is still clear, so your reader can pay more attention to the poem itself rather than piecing together the words.

Overall:
You're right, this poem is short, but it kind of works. If you were to make it longer you could add more imagery, but as for the storyline itself, it's quite completed in these three verses. It's completely up to you what you choose to do with it. Anyways, nice work :)

Random avatar
Stephene
Review


Violet eyes were watching me
They bore into me and made my skin creep
Soft voices crooning me
Trying to lull me to sleep


The second line seems kind of meaningless to me perhaps if you elaborate it me ill appreciate it :)
and i think you cant use "lull" in poetry but i don't know maybe its just me :)

It was too much for me
I couldn’t keep awake
The tiny creatures fell towards me
My memory they did take

It too me some time but i got it i think it was cute the you expressed my memory they did take :smt003

My life has been so different
Since that incident with the fey
My brother swore an oath
He would make the faeries pay


what are faeries? i have no idea and im to lazy to Google it -.- don't make fun of me or ill pinch you >.>
and i am also confused cause fey means wild or crazy acting behavior it just doesn't fit in here .

over all your story didn't seem cliche to me i found the twelve lines quite.... strange in a good way that is

hope i helped
remember to stay motivated
and keep it up

Yours truly
- Stephene



Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
— Ann Landers