Hey hey hey Stella here to review!
Okay wow! First things first - a whole lot happened in this chapter, amirite? This read more like a summary, a kind of 'previously on' than a chapter. And while maybe you want to get to the crux of the story, I think you still need to expand on this and use more words and make it longer, give yourself more space in the story. Each of these paragraphs could easily be a whole chapter!
In terms of technical things, even though they're really boring, you do two things here that I think that if you changed those habits it would make an insane amount of difference. The first - your sentences. Don't get me wrong, I'm terrible for writing long sentences, but it's something we have to avoid! Let's take this sentence:
I still remember the day that change my life, it was an early afternoon of Tuesday and I was at school just taking my stuffs from the locker for my next class and then I saw an handkerchief fell of from the girl’s bag and I grabbed the handkerchief and told her “Excuse me miss ahh!! You dropped this” and then when I went to give I did not noticed that there was a bit water on the floor and I suddenly slipped and felon her chest.
That's pretty long. As a rule of thumb, remember that you should put a full stop wherever you're going to draw breath when saying it out loud. Could you say all of this holding your breath? Probably not. So break it up. And it's super easy! Have a look below:
I still remember the day that change my life. It was an early afternoon of Tuesday. I was at school just taking my stuffs from the locker for my next class. I saw an handkerchief fell of from the girl’s bag. I grabbed the handkerchief and told her, “Excuse me miss ahh!! You dropped this." When I went to give I did not noticed that there was a bit water on the floor. I suddenly slipped and felon her chest.
What I've done is removed the "and thens" and instead started a new sentence each time.
There's a similar principle behind paragraphs. Look at the way I've laid out this review. Every time I introduce a new topic or idea, BANG! A new paragraph. Here, have a look at what I've done below.
Then the next period was the cooking class and at the time of this class I was lost at the moment when she kissed me, to be frank that was my happy moment. All I could think was why would she suddenly kiss me? The only thing we have in common is that we are classmates and we haven’t talked much!!
‘Hey Alex? Did something happen between you and Olivia this afternoon.'
I turned back and it was my friend and classmate Max who always wants to know all the gossips going on. He told me all the rumors that were going on about me and Olivia like hugging and kissing each other at the lockers.
My face was getting red with shyness and I only can tell him is that nothing happened between me and Olivia because I don’t want people to make some annoying rumors and gossip about it all, but it is inevitable because Olivia is special unlike other girls, she is diligent, serious, cute and also she’s the secret admiration of the boys at school plus she also helps others who are in need so basically she is the model of the school. So all I can do is ignore him and say him that just do your cooking because you are lagging behind.
See? It immediately looks better, and it becomes easier for your readers to read and understand what you're trying to say!
What I mainly felt here was that this piece was quite rushed, what with everything happening so quickly and those big long sentences and paragraphs. I think you need to rewrite it, but this time, take your time with it. This could be several thousand words longer - I could see this easily being three chapters of a novel! (the first where they kiss, the second in class and the third in the nurse's station). And that's a *big* difference. You need to allow yourself to write the story at the pace you would want to read the story. It'll make your plot and your characters so much more appealing to your readers if you give us time to get to know them. Making things longer allows for development, and that's really important. Don't try and squash a novel into a short story - make the story as long as it needs to be.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
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