Tell me what you know about Rosette's land's government after reading this. Also, plain old critique would be nice. Oh, and _ = new paragraph. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm new here.
_"Rosette, where you headed?" Cerei asked, catching up with Rosette.
_"Oh, just the kitchens. My mother asked me to fetch a cup of tea for her, poor thing," Rosette replied.
_The pair were heading down a long hallway with cupid-like statues down the sides. On the ceiling was an elaborate scene carved into marble.
_"I'm sorry about that. She'll get better soon," Cerei said.
_"I bet," Rosette responded, not really sounding confident.
_"I wanted to tell you something," Cerei said, leaning in closer,"I heard some peasants talking about our government."
_"What do they have against chrysocracies?"
_"Well, I think it's that they dislike the people running it. They said the Seven Dukes as a whole are running a foolocracy."
_"As in governed by fools?"
_"I know, it's sedition at its worst! They even called us a snobocracy."
_"Well, I can see why they did that if Duke Malus is the only Duke they know," Rosette said, and the two giggled.
_"Now, really, don't you think their opinion is kinda important?" Cerei asked.
_Rosette realized she didn't know the answer. She knew her subjects are important, but they are just peasants. They don't know anything about politics, do they?
_"Well, I think they are necessary for keeping up the community and all, but who are they to challenge government?" She finally concluded, slowly.
_Cerei gave Rosette a surprised look and turned forward. She shrugged.
_"Anyways, I think that our government is set up a lot better then other lands."
_Rosette nodded, and Cerei continued.
_"Monarchies, in other lands, mean that one person commands everybody; that's not fair. Heptarchies balance things out by having seven people share the power. Plus, the most wealthy are picked. Wealthy people had to work their way up to richness. Therefore, they must know about hard work and getting what you deserve."
_As logical as this was, and Cerei does say many logical things, Rosette was quick to find a loophole.
_"Well, what if the Duke had just inherited the throne?"
_Cerei was not easily stumped. She fiddled with her hair.
_"Well then, it was the duty of the former Duke to teach his or her children into the right mind."
_"What about the Maluses? They're pretty 'snobby'."
_Cerei fiddled with her hair some more.
_"Well then, I believe you have me stumped. Good job," she said sweetly.
_Rosette blushed and nodded.
_The twosome were nearing the door that would take them to the kitchens. The door was smooth and grand; though mainly made of wood it was coated in a sheet of metal patterns that gave in an aura of greatness. Rosette wondered if she would deserve inheriting such a grand place. More, though, she wondered what it was like to not live in a grand castle.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this sounds like a nice little conversation. Nothing that deep happening in this one. It's just like fairly well done subtle backstory without info dumps that's turned into a nice, fairly realistic and easy to follow conversation. So that's great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Great way to start a conversation. This kind of small talk goes a long way to make a conversation sound realistic and not like people are reading from a script.
I'm assuming those are all coined words because I haven't ever heard of those before.
There is a lot that you don't know if you still believe that Rosette.
Not the worst idea for a government but I don't forsee this being much better than a monarchy but that's my opinion.
Accepting your mistakes. Very good move there.
Nice ending. Seems like something a realistic royal would think about so that's also great.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: It was quite a fun story to read. The conversation sounded fairly normal and the setting was quite nicely put in there subtly. You managed info dumps but still give us a decent idea of the world they live and that's also a pretty awesome thing. And it flowed quite nicely too. Overall great job with this piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think you should flesh this out. Add some longer paragraphs, some description, that sort of thing. Right now, it's kind of boring.
Ahoy there, haven't seen you around YWS before! My name is Saint, and I shall be your critiquer today. *bows*
The first problem I see with this is formatting! The underscore before each paragraph is a bit distracting, and really kind of hurts my eyes. Do you see how I'm putting a line between my paragraphs? Just separate each paragraph with a push of the Enter key and you should be fine!
Secondly, I have a question. Is this an excerpt or is this the beginning? Either way, the biggest problem is an overload of dialogue and a lack of action. Not to mention a lot of telling. These are both mistakes that take a bit of time and practise to correct, but hey, that's why you're here, no?
Right now, you have a whole section of just two characters talking. There's not much setting, not much description, not much of anything other than a Person A - Person B exchange. What you need to throw in is this little grocery list:
-More description of where these two are, what they're doing, and why they're there.
-Less talk, more action. You don't need to have them say every little thing about their government. They know more than the audience does, and having them say everything is just a lecture for the audience's benefit, when in reality it's quite boring.
-And remember, stay away from info dumps!
These are just a few starting points, and my deepest apologies if they're hard to understand. If you need further help, feel free to send me a PM or check the Knowledge Base (available by scrolling to the top of the page, hovering over "Resources," and clicking "Knowledge Base") if I'm not available.
Hope I helped some!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate