Lucy Spalder:
Lucy woke up. The last thing she could remember was the party on the beach. But then slowly things came flowing back into her mind. The boat, Alcatraz, the man. She looked around her. She was in a very small room with a low ceiling. Her hands tied up behind her back, her eyes swelling up with tears.
Where was she? The man took her onto the boat must have taken her wherever she was. Alcatraz? The boat did come from there; maybe the man took her back there. But what did he want with her.
The man walked up to her. He was wearing a mask. "So, beautiful." She spoke, so softly it was almost like he was paying Lucy a compliment. "But your personality. It has no beauty. Perhaps I could show the world your real face.??? His voice had become more threatening now.
???What do you mean? Who are you???? Lucy demanded.
???I am the only one, able to show my true identity. Everyone hides behind his or her looks. Like a mask.??? He gestured to the mask he bared. ???I can help you though. I can show the world the monster that lives inside you.???
Lucy???s heart was pounding. Without thinking she threw a kick to the masked man???s stomach and ran outside of the room. She was still on the boat. Docked at Alcatraz. The man had followed her. ???Please,??? he said, ???let me show the world your real face.??? He paced closer and closer and closer to Lucy. Her legs seemed to stay still with fear. No matter how hard she tried to move her legs did not let her do so.
The masked man opened up his jacket and took out a syringe. He then picked up a bucket that had been sitting over a fire, hidden away. Finally he revealed a blunt knife. He dived on Lucy and tried to inject the syringe into Lucy???s neck. But she kneed him in the stomach. With one large punch to the face, Lucy fell flat on her back. The man knelt his knee on her breast so she could not move. He injected the syringe needle into her neck. Her whole body went into spasm, mouth foaming and her skin becoming very pale. He then opened up the hot bucket. He took the knife and scooped out what appeared to be and indeed was hot wax. He began applying a tick coat of wax to Lucy???s face. She couldn???t scream in pain, the injection had seemed to take all her breath away. When her whole face was covered, her body thrown into the sea. But she did not drown. She was already dead.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well isn't that a lovely and rather horrifying first part to that story...looks like almost like a serial killer of some sort in action right here, judging from what ends up happening there at the end. With the kind of things person was saying and the choice of murder technique which seems like a very unique and rather specific I'd certainly think this was some form of serial killer.
All in all, this was a very powerfully written story, I really loved the flow of this scene here, things went quite smoothly, and we can see the brief confusion of the girl being murdered, the terror, the wanting to escape and the eventually hopelessness when things are too late. Its a very nicely constructed series of events. The one thing I'd have to say that's a big negative is the lack of paragraphs. I feel like this not being divided into a proper few paragraphs robs it of some of its flow and makes some of these moments lose the power they could've had.
Other than that, this is a really solid start here to this story...and we've got ourselves a pretty neat story here...it certainly intrigues me enough that I'd continue to read the other parts of it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
So... Whoa! I liked that first part... So... Um... Dunno, it draws me in makes me want to read. Want to know who this masked man is and what he is doing. Another thing is all the ???s I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with your computer... You know what I am actually convinced that there is something wrong with your computer. All those question marks totally messed up the story. Though I still like it. And please. Please. Please do indents. Reading one giant blob makes me really dizzy. One request I have is to just PUT INDENTS IN THE PROPER PLACES! It would help the story so much. I truly really want to see the next chapter. Please hurry up with it! I can't wait!!!!!☆〜（ゝ。∂）
PeaceLuvPoems☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆
First off, WHERE IS THE PROPER GRAMMER? There is no puncuation, like where is the indents? Like right here:
"So, beautiful." She spoke, so softly it was almost like he was paying Lucy a compliment. "But your personality. It has no beauty. Perhaps I could show the world your real face.??? His voice had become more threatening now. ???What do you mean? Who are you???? Lucy demanded. ???I am the only one, able to show my true identity. Everyone hides behind his or her looks. Like a mask.??? He gestured to the mask he bared.
The idea really has me going, but it is the puncuation that fell flat on the face-- I don't know where to start and where to stop! But keep writing and i know you will get somewhere!
the punctuation is strange as for some reason once I posted all the indents went and proper grammar disappeared as well! I will look into it. I worry the next chapter might be a little dry so I will post part 2 and 3 together.