Published May 29, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
EXT. - EARLY MORNING PARK BENCH
FADE IN
PAN:
A young girl, KATELYN HOLMES, sleeps on a park bench. Her
beaten and worn body holds shallow breaths. Another girl,
AMANDA CHRIST, comes up next to her attempting to nudge the
girl awake.
AMANDA
Yo, girl! Get up!
KATELYN wakes with a start.
KATELYN
(sheepishly)
Sorry.
AMANDA
(upon seeing the bruised face)
You a runaway?
KATELYN
Yeah. Please don’t turn me in. I’ll
leave
AMANDA
Don’t worry. I’m a runaway too. My
names Amanda.
KATELYN
Katelyn. Why did you wake me?
AMANDA
’Cause the cops will be round here
soon. Its kinda an understood thing
between us runaways that we don’t
let each other get caught.
KATELYN
Oh. Well thanks.
AMANDA
No problem.
Katelyn gets up and starts to limp away.
AMANDA
You need a place to go?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
KATELYN
(stopping to answer)
Yeah, why?
AMANDA
Come with me.
CUT TO:
EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS
ZOOM TO: A GROUP OF TEENAGE RUNAWAYS SIT AROUND A MAKESHIFT
CAMPSITE.
FROM THE DISTANCE AMANDA AND KATELYN APPROACH THE GROUP.
AMANDA
Hey all. This is Katelyn. She’s
like us so shut up and don’t
question the new addition or I’ll
beat you.
KATELYN
(wide eyed and sheepishly)
Hey.
JUSTIN MUNRO a tall lanky but handsome boy looks at Katelyn.
Him along with the two other teens wear worn out but
semi-clean clothes.
JUSTIN
Hey. Come and sit. We were just
about to eat some breakfast.
Katelyn joins the group.
KATELYN
So, um why did you guys run away?
JUSTIN
Oh, um. My mother is an alcoholic.
I left so that maybe she wouldn’t
drink so much and start looking for
me. I don’t know if she has or not.
Dad died early on.
POV: KATELYN PANS THE FACES OF THE OTHER TWO TEENS
MATHEW
I ran cause my parents don’t give a
crap about me. I know I’m better
off without them, so don’t even try
to tell me differently.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
The other girl, TIA MICHELLE looks down then screams and
runs away close to the train tracks.
MATHEW
Justin, its your turn.
Justin gets up to run after Tia.
PAN TO JUSTIN THEN BACK TO THE GROUP
KATELYN
Is she okay?
MATHEW
Oh, Tia, yes and no. She isn’t
quite right. Want a sandwich.
KATELYN
(taking the offer)
What do you mean?
AMANDA
She isn’t really a run away. She is
probably just lost and a long way
from home. She can’t remember
anything at times. We all look
after her.
KATELYN
(nodding)
Oh. So Amanda, um why did you
leave.
AMANDA
I wanted to. Plain and simple.
Justin and Tia return.
JUSTIN
Tia, what do you have to say to,
what did you say your name was?
KATELYN
Katelyn.
JUSTIN
Right. Tia what do you say to
Katelyn.
TIA
(scuffing her shoes in the
dirt)
Sorry.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
KATELYN
Its okay.
TIA
(sitting down)
What happened to you.
AMANDA
(glaring at Tia)
Tia, shh!
KATELYN
It’s okay. I was abused by my
mother. Physically as proof of the
scars and emotionally, but those
scars you can’t really see. I
couldn’t take it anymore, so I
left.
They sit in silence eating their sandwiches. Finally, Amanda
gets up.
AMANDA
Okay. We need to get Katelyn here
some of the necessities. We also
gotta show her the ropes of being a
runaway. Ready?
The rest of the groups follows Amanda’s lead.
FADE TO:
EXT. - AFTERNOON OUTSIDE OF A CAFETERRIA
POV: FROM BEHIND THE GROUP
AMANDA
They key is to look like you’re a
homeless girl, not a runaway. They
won’t take in the homeless but they
will take in a runaway. Got it?
KATELYN
I think so.
INT. - MIDDAY CAFETERIA
FROM END OF TABLE TO VIEW THE GROUP ON BOTH SIDES.
Trays of chili are on the table. JUSTIN, AMANDA, KATELYN,
MATHEW, and TIA are all there.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
JUSTIN
What should we do for the rest of
today? We have time to kill before
the trains will finish their
passes.
TIA
Carnival!
JUSTIN
Tia, what makes you think that
there is a carnival going on?
TIA
(pointing at a poster on the
wall)
Carnival!
PAN: STOP AT CARNIVAL POSTER WITH JUSTIN IN THE SHOT.
Justin looks over his shoulder.
JUSTIN
How does a carnival sound?
AMANDA
Fine by me.
MATHEW
Fine by me.
KATELYN
Fine by me.
TIA
(clapping gleefully)
Carnival!
SMASH TO
EXT- AFTERNOON CARNIVAL
ESTABLISH A CARNIVAL WITH RIDES AND CARNIES.
-KID TOSSING A RING IN A RING TOSS GAME
-JUGGLER BEING WATCHED BY KIDS
-CARNIVAL RIDE
CUT TO:
FOLLOW GROUP AS THE ENTER THROUGH THE CARNIVAL GATES.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
Tia is mesmerized. The rest of the group is just taking in
the surroundings.
KATELYN
Where to first?
TIA
Elephant!
The group looks at Tia and shrugs. They walk until all of a
sudden,
AMANDA
Run!
The group scatters. Katelyn stands there unsure of what to
do. Justin grabs her arm and pulls her with him.
FOLLOW JUSTIN AND KATELYN FROM THE SIDE AS THEY RUN.
They get to a food stand and stop running to catch their
breath.
KATELYN
(breathless)
What was that all about
JUSTIN
(looking around)
Not entirely sure. My guess is
Amanda saw a cop that has been
tailing us for the last year. The
feds want to take us in. We have
yet to get caught. So you better
not screw it up.
Katelyn nods her head sheepishly. Justin sensing her fear
turns back to her.
JUSTIN
(With concern)
Oh Katelyn, I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to scare you. Shit, I’m so
sorry.
KATELYN
(faking a smile)
It’s fine. Not the first time I’ve
been yelled at.
JUSTIN
(wrapping his arms around her)
It will be the last I promise.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
ZOOM IN:
Katelyn smiling as she hugs him.
ZOOM OUT:
Amanda, Mathew and Tia approaching the two.
AMANDA
That was close. Will that guy ever
give up?
JUSTIN
Lets hope that he does.
FADE TO:
EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS
ZOOM FROM ABOVE:
The group of teens are once again sitting campfire style.
All eating sandwiches again.
KATELYN
If you’re all runaways, how do
afford this stuff. Did u get a
bunch pan handling?’
AMANDA
(Offended)
No, Matthew tell her how we got
this money?
MATHEW
I was born to a very wealthy
family. Before I left I stole about
two hundred thousand dollars in
cash.
JUSTIN
We don’t spend it willy-nilly
though. Ten dollars at most a day
if we can help it. Some days we get
by on five.
AMANDA
I hate it, but at the same time I
see the necessity of it. You know
what I mean?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
KATELYN
I guess. Hey Tia sweetie, did you
enjoy the carnival?
TIA
Elephant! I want to see the
Elephant!
KATELYN
We will. Tomorrow. Okay?
TIA
(returning to her sandwhich)
Okay.
JUSTIN
(whispering in Katelyn’s ear)
Good save. Can I take a walk with
you?
Katelyn nods her head and rises.
JUSTIN
(rising as well)
We will be right back.
FOLLOW BY THE SIDE:
The two walk. Justin brushes his hand against Katelyn’s and
she takes a hold of it. Looking down ant their intertwined
fingers she has a faint smile.
KATELYN
Tell me about your mother?
JUSTIN
There isn’t much to say. She drank
after my father died of a heart
attack. The thing I regret most is
leaving my little sister. She is
five now. I hope she is okay.
KATELYN
What is her name, your sister?
JUSTIN
Annabelle. She is just pure light.
Before I left I could feel her
brightness just watching her in her
crib.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
KATELYN
Well she has an amazing brother.
JUSTIN
She has a brother who abandoned
her.
KATELYN
For her own good. Trust me, you did
the right thing.
JUSTIN
And you? Tell me about your mother.
Besides the fact she seems like a
monster.
Justin turns her to face him. He runs his finger down a scar
on her face.
KATELYN
She wasn’t always one. When she
lost my little brother during the
pregnancy it’s like a switch was
flipped. Sometimes it would be
okay, but some days I had
absolutely nothing to hold onto. I
was drowning and I just couldn’t
get my head above the water.
JUSTIN
And now?
KATELYN
Now? Now, I can breathe.
FADE TO:
EXT. SUNRISE TRAIN TRACKS
PAN:
Birds chirping. A faint whistle blows in the distance. The
teenagers all lie in a group in sleeping bags. Katelyn,
hearing the whistle wakes up?
KATELYN
(shaking Justin)
Justin. I heard a train whistle.
Should we move?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
JUSTIN
(rubbing his eyes sitting up)
What?
KATELYN
(frantic)
I heard the train whistle.
JUSTIN
Crap, we gotta move or we’ll be
flattened. Wake the rest up. I’ll
grab the stuff.
Katelyn nods and sets about waking the rest up.
KATELYN
Amanda! You need to wake up. The
train is coming.
AMANDA
(somewhat irritated)
Alright, Alright!
Katelyn moves to Mathew.
KATELYN
Mathew! It’s time to get up. The
train is coming right now.
MATHEW
Really? Alright I’ll get up.
KATELYN
Go help Justin with the stuff.
Katelyn finally reaches Tia
KATELYN
Tia honey, you need to get up.
AMANDA
(from the side)
Good luck. Getting her up is half
the battle. She will be a mess when
she wakes.
KATELYN
Shit. Okay, um, Justin! Set down
the stuff I’ll carry it. You carry
Tia. Amanda come help me carry the
stuff.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
Amanda trudges over as Katelyn and Justin trade spots.
Everything is going fast. Once everything is ready they step
off the track area but stand only a few feet away. Tia wakes
up in Justin’s arms and he sets her down.
TIA
Where am I?
JUSTIN
You’re safe. Hold my hand.
TIA
Okay!
AMANDA
(to Katelyn)
You ready?
KATELYN
For?
AMANDA
When the train passes, scream. Yell
at the top of your lungs. It feels
amazing.
KATELYN
Um, okay.
GO TO BEHIND THE GROUP:
As the train passes they all yell at the top of their lungs.
Even Tia, who turns red as she does it. Eventually the train
leaves.
AMANDA
Told you so.
KATELYN
You are right. But I feel kind of
funny.
Katelyn sways a little. Justin rushes over to catch her.
FLASHBLACK:
INT. - EVENING KITCHEN
FROM ABOVE:
A mother stands over her daughter with a knife. Holding it
to the girls cheek.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
MOTHER
You are worthless. This face, it’s
mine. You take everything from me.
Pressing hard the knife breaks skin.
YOUNG KATELYN
Please. Don’t do this. I can’t
handle it.
MOTHER
(laughing)
You’re weak. You deserve everything
that is happening to you. You are
worthless.
QUICK FADE TO:
EXT - AFTERNOON FRONT PORCH
STRAIGHT ON:
A mother and daughter sit on the porch bench.
MOTHER
I love you Katelyn. Don’t forget
that
YOUNG KATELYN
Yes mother. I love you too.
QUICK FADE TO:
INT - EARLY EVENING HOSPITAL
FUZZY POV: KATELYN
DOCTOR 1
Multiple lacerations. Broken rib
and arm. Possible skull fracture.
NURSE 1
Will she make it?
DOCTOR 1
It doesn’t look like it. But we
have to try.
YOUNG KATELYN
Tell her I’m sorry.
SMASH TO:
13.
EXT. MORNING TRAIN TRACKS
PULL OUT:
THE GROUP SITS IN A CIRCLE AT THEIR SITE. KATELYN’S HEAD
LIES IN JUSTIN’S LAP.
ZOOM IN:
Katelyn wakes up. The group breathes a sigh of relief.
KATELYN
What happened?
JUSTIN
You fainted.
KATELYN
How long have I been out?
AMANDA
About an hour or two. You okay? I’m
sorry if my idea made you sick.
KATELYN
No. The yelling helped. I am sorry
I fainted on you guys. That hasn’t
happened since-
MATHEW
Since when?
KATELYN
Doesn’t matter. I’m fine now, that
is what matters. What are we doing
today?
JUSTIN
Let’s just rest.
TIA
Sleep?
JUSTIN
Yes, sleep. Katelyn, do you think
you would be up for a walk?
KATELYN
(rising)
Yeah.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
MATHEW
(under his breath)
They take an awful lot of walks.
FLASH QUICK TO:
EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS
PAN UP FROM FEET AND FOLLOW BEHIND:
Holding hands again they walk for a while in silence. Then
they stop.
JUSTIN
You were remembering.
KATELYN
How did you know?
JUSTIN
You were screaming. The last thing
you said was to tell her you’re
sorry. Was it your mother?
KATELYN
I don’t want to talk about it?
JUSTIN
Okay. Just know I’m here if you do.
KATELYN
Thanks. Look I have to ask you
something.
JUSTIN
Ask away.
KATELYN
Why are you still running. Wouldn’t
your mother be better by now?
JUSTIN
I don’t know. I suppose so. But I
have a family with them. I can’t
leave them behind while I find my
happiness.
KATELYN
What do you mean find you
happiness.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
JUSTIN
Well I believe that everyone has a
reason for living. It’s that one
thing, or person, that makes them
happy. Without fail, day or night,
good times or bad, it’s their light
in the darkest of times.
KATELYN
And you think that you can’t have
yours.
JUSTIN
Sometimes I think I’ve found it.
But no, I need to see that those I
love are with their happiness
before I’m with mine.
KATELYN
What do you think your happiness
is?
JUSTIN
(Taking Katelyn’s face in his
hands)
You.
Justin kisses Katelyn. Katelyn responds.
FADE TO:
EXT - AFTERNOON PARK
WIDE:
The group of teens are all lying in the grass.
ZOOM IN FROM ABOVE:
TIA
(reaching up towards the sky)
I wanna catch it!
KATELYN
Catch what Tia?
TIA
The clouds
KATELYN
Then reach out really far.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
TIA
Okay!
MATHEW
Katelyn, how do you do that?
KATELYN
Do what?
MATHEW
How are you so strong? You’ve been
through hell, I can see it. I hated
living at home, but you, you were
dying being there. How the heck are
you so strong?
KATELYN
I have hope I guess.
AMANDA
I wish I could have that kind of
hope. My parents kicked me out when
I was twelve. How does someone have
hope that anyone will except her
after that?
KATELYN
I don’t know. I have hope because
after everything that happened,
it’s the one thing she could never
take away.
JUSTIN
Tia, how you doing on catching that
cloud?
TIA
(straining her arm just a
little more)
Almost got it?
They all laugh.
FADE TO:
EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS
WIDE:
The teens are in their usual positions. However Katelyn is
on Justin’s lap.
ZOOM IN:
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
Justin whispers into Katelyn’s ear. She pushes his shoulder
and he falls back, taking her with him. Amanda makes a vomit
motion. Tia is distracted by Mathew.
AMANDA
Get a room.
JUSTIN
We would if we could.
AMANDA
Oh shove it pretty boy.
JUSTIN
(kissing Katelyn)
Where?
AMANDA
(throwing her cards at the
two)
You are disgusting. Come on Mathew
and Tia, lets go for a walk.
The two follow Amanda.
JUSTIN
I thought they would never leave.
KATELYN
(kissing his cheek and sitting
up)
I’m sure you did. Now that they’re
gone there is something I need to
tell you.
JUSTIN
(concerned)
What?
KATELYN
(nervous)
I’m going back. Please I know that
you won’t like it, but I have to.
JUSTIN
You can’t. That woman is a monster.
How could you even consider-
KATELYN
(rising)
She’s my mother. She needs me. I
shouldn’t have left.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
JUSTIN
(rising)
You would have died if you stayed.
KATELYN
You don’t know that.
JUSTIN
I saw it. When you came to us, when
I met you, you were nothing but a
hollow shell of a girl. There
wasn’t an ounce of life left in
you. But now, now you beam with it.
It overflows.
KATELYN
But what if you’re wrong. What if
this is all an act.
JUSTIN
Then you are no more fit to go back
than you were before. Like I said,
you were dying right before my very
eyes, but we brought you back. We
gave you the love she will never
give.
KATELYN
But she can. She can love! I’ve
seen it.
JUSTIN
(laughing)
When? When you’re on the brink of
death. Lying in a hospital bed,
having to fight to survive because
of what she has done to you.
Katelyn, listen to me. You can’t go
back, not now, not ever.
Katelyn tries to walk away. Justin grabs her to stop her.
JUSTIN
(cont’d)
Please. Don’t leave us. Don’t leave
me.
KATELYN
What if that’s my happiness. What
if the one thing that could bring
me joy is my final surrender. It
would be the one thing that I
myself could control.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
JUSTIN
(tears in his eyes)
Please don’t say that. Anything but
that.
KATELYN
But its the truth. Now let me go.
I’m not leaving tonight.
Justin lets go and Katelyn goes over to the pile of stuff
the group has. The rest return.
TIA
Justin! I found a pretty rock.
JUSTIN
(looking over to Katelyn)
Good Job sweetie.
FADE TO WHITE:
EXT. - EARLY MORNING TRAIN TRACKS
WIDE:
Everybody but Katelyn is lying asleep. She stands there
alone and awake above them all.
KATELYN
I love you all.
She drops a paper and runs away.
CUT TO:
EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS
OVER THE SHOULDER:
Justin holds a note written by Katelyn.
AMANDA
Where’s Katelyn.
JUSTIN
She left.
AMANDA
What do you mean she left?
TURN WITH JUSTIN:
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
JUSTIN
She left. She went back home. She
said she wanted to go back. I
begged her not to go, but she left.
AMANDA
(covering her mouth)
We need to find her.
Justin nods his head. They set off leaving MATHEW and TIA
behind.
CUT TO:
INT. - AFTERNOON LIVING ROOM
OVER THE SHOULDER:
Katelyn’s mother stands in the kitchen.
MOTHER
Your back.
KATELYN
Yes. I’m sorry for leaving.
MOTHER
(Picking up knife)
I’m sure you are. You still have to
be punished though.
KATELYN
Yes mother.
PAN OUT TO WIDE:
Mother steps toward Katelyn holding the knife.
MOTHER
What can I do to make sure you
never leave again.
With one more step the mother drives the knife into
Katelyn’s chest.
MOTHER
There, now you will never leave.
SMASH TO BLACK:
21.
EXT - EVENING FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
WIDE:
Cop cars and an ambulance surround Katelyn’s house. Justin
and Amanda run up to the scene. They go up to a nearby
officer.
ZOOM IN:
JUSTIN
What happened?
COP
Who are you?
JUSTIN
I’m Katelyn’s friend. Please tell
us what happened.
COP
I’m sorry. Your friend was killed
this afternoon. Do you know who
could have done it? There was no
one around when we found her.
AMANDA
(tearfully)
Her mother. Her mother, she abused
her. Oh god.
COP
Thank you. Again my sincere
apologies.
The cop leaves. Justin wraps Amanda in his arms.
JUSTIN
She found her happiness now. I just
hope it was really what she wanted.
FADE TO BLACK
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hi there! First off this says this is your first script and for a first attempt. Please know that I liked it and what is included in this review is nothing more than constructive critiques it’s nothing personal. Wow that story! Okay, now here’s the review.
First off your overall plotline was a great original idea! I love that and I would stretch some of the scenes out a little bit and you had some great dimensions to the story not making it flat. So the potential is there but to really make it great work on those subplots and bring out the interesting qualities a little more. i.e. the relationship between Justin and Katelyn you could have a little more development leading up to that first kiss. Yes, we all saw it coming and that’s perfectly fine but if you can’t make it sudden, really drag it out so that when they finally kiss the reader/audience goes: Yes!
The opening you could have expanded a little more especially because it’s a screenplay (at least I believe it is.) All the runaways seem to be extremely forthcoming with the information of who there and information about there families and then you repeat it again later in the script. I believe that once on the back story is enough. Runaway teens, and homeless teens I believe are the toughest and most vulnerable people on the planet and I would play off of that. Nothing visibly phases them but then again when the truth really does come out it’s dramatic honest and moving.
So I would have them all be more tough at the beginning except for Kaytlin who I believe (just a suggestion) needs to be faking toughness and I would make this visible in her actions and her dialogue. Ie. More accusing and direct with the dialogue, who are you? Who do you think you are? Maybe Justin is actually restraining her and she struggles against him and because of their first meeting take a while to warm up toward each other. Making him or her have to at some point be like “look I know we got off on the wrong foot.” The other person shutting them down that might be interesting.
2,000 dollars stolen before he left seems a little random and out there….
What is the time period of this script? That will help the reader understand I’m picturing a group of dirty teenagers from the 1930’s (great depression time period) is that correct? Because that would make since for why they’re by the train tracks all the time because that’s how teens in that point in time would travel was by “jumping trains.”
Dialogue. Use homeless lingo if they’re from the 1930’s use some lingo, if they’re from down south use that. Some of the dialogue seems a little static for some reason in some places but I don’t believe it anything that a read out loud wouldn’t fix.
I really like the idea of Justin having a little sister! I’d play off that more; it’s a very interesting cool plot which adds some more dimension to the story.
Katelyn: I was drowning and I just couldn’t get my head above the water.
Justin: And now?
Katelyn: Now I can breathe.
I would save this for later it’s to good of a line to use up at the beginning and could be more powerful further along in the script. Maybe Justin can re-say it at the end after she is killed. This is an excellent place to make a moment!
Justin: Crap we gotta move or we’ll get flattened.
Are they sleeping on the train tracks? If so why? That doesn’t seem logical because trains could come in the night. If they are they need a reason, or you could just cut the section of the line about being flattened and move on with the rest of the story.
Also in this scene Katelyn repeats “A trains coming we need to go/get out” a lot. She could just scream it really loud and awake the rest of the kids. There also some techniques you can do to instigate urgency through dialogue. I.e. Katelyn: Everyone get up now? Amanda (not completely awake): Hmmm? Katelyn: I said get up you idiots the trains comin’! Things like that, I’m assuming by your formatting that this is a screenplay. If so than use that, add more cuts between shots. Screenplays list the shots and all the action. Here’s a tip: A stage play is 90 percent dialogue, a screenplay is 90 percent action, shot angles and direction. That’s why the stage play dialogue is aliened on the left side of the page with the action in the center and then the screenplay dialogue is in the middle so that actors can pick out the dialogue.
It appears as though you formatted this script on www.celtx.com I love that program! If you haven’t it’s a great place to learn formatting and it copied really well to this website. Anyways back to your story now.
Justin and Kaitlin take a walk immediately after she returns to the land of the living. I like the idea of them taking walks and Matthew’s sarcastic remark after they leave, but if Justin really cares about her and I think he does I don’t think he would ask her to take a walk with him at that point in time. I would save it for a more appropriate time later or earlier in the script somewhere.
Hah! I was right Justin does care! They just kissed hahaha. Yea, maybe after she faints the others could be grossed out like you showed later and leave. I would suggest combining those scenes so that you can get the others out of the camp that way you could have some interesting dialogue. I.e. introduction of Kaitlin’s mother (I believe this is already there.) Justin (tucking her hair behind her ear.): Are you sure you’re alright? Kaitlin: Yea, I’m fine. The introduction of their feelings for each other and their first kiss, all in one scene! And then I would have the whole script crescendo to this being the climax. Then the falling action can be her leaving the camp and being killed by her mother.
Alright falling action, I saw great potential in the climax in those scenes I mentioned and I would be really careful to build to those more but when we hit the falling action and the conclusion I was shocking unmoved. I’m not exactly sure why but here’s some thoughts that might be the reason.
a. Her leaving was not dramatic enough.
b. The lack of emotion of Justin’s side. I feel like if he loved someone so much and she was murdered he would be more dramatically moved. He needs to do one of two things let the emotion out immediately or try to hide it behind the tough wall that he has and we need to see him grow bitter on the inside.
c. “You are my happiness” I’m really struggling here. If you’re worried about saying these three words “I love you” don’t be because they need to be in the script someplace.
d. After Justin knows she leaves does he try to pursue her when she realizes she leaves? I believe he would want to protect her, he knew where she was going and he had an idea what would happen so why did he let her go so calmly? Once again this leads back up to a.
e. “She found her happiness now and I really hope that’s what she wanted.” Hmmm I really don’t think the whole finding happiness thing is cutting it. It’s not dramatic enough for the rest of the themes. Let me see what might “now I can breathe” I don’t know how that could be re-added at the end because it really doesn’t make much since there…..I’d just find something more powerful to end with. You have a powerful plotline and I wouldn’t want to throw it away with words that could be easily not pulled off by an actor.
Conclusion: Okay, I LOVED it. That is the best storyline for a script I’ve seen come through here in a long time and that’s why I gave it such a long review is because it shows potential and I’d really like to see you continue with it. I love your plot, and some of you dialogue is great too. Some overall things that I would work on is the development to your amazing climax and your conclusion at the end. It’s a tragedy in a way, so it really needs to be tragic for Justin who has been left behind and it needs to show somehow. With outward emotions or just the fight against the emotion but he NEEDS to have that emotion at the end or he turns into sort of a robot and we don’t really care about him. I loved your personalization of the characters. Some of them where not really introduced quickly enough at the beginning and I was like who is this person? I would have them all speak very distinctly in their first scene where they discover Kaitlin so that we can get to know there characters quickly. I LOVED the screaming at the train thing that was pretty genius! Okay so I guess that’s everything overall amazing especially for a first try, keep editing it until you make it perfect a script is never truly “finished” as it is constantly being edited, but great great first draft!
Hello! I am Dannie and here is some stuff I have written for you!
You've got good direction with this. I like a lot of your dialogue and things like that. I also like your establishment of the relationship between all the runaways. But I think the characters could use a little more development, especially Katelyn. We get to know what happened to her and why she left, but we don't really know why she went back. We never get to see what's going on in her head. Maybe if she had a conversation with Amanda before Justin it would change the way she told Justin. I was also really curious about the other characters, like Matthew because you didn't write a whole lot about him and maybe he could talk to Katelyn and we could get to know him better.
Katelyn's mother didn't seem very believable, to be honest. Including the flash-back scene was very smart on your part, but for some of the parts when she was being abusive she seemed downright cruell and evil, not an emotionally unstable woman. The story would have more of a punch if we could feel sorry for her. Like if the stabbing in the end came out of a surge of emotions at Katelyn's return, and afterward she realizes what she did and feels bad. That would give Katelyn a more viable reason to return to her, but the woman she came home to was really a psychopath and didn't show any love at all.
The end could have used a little foreshadowing, too. Maybe if Justin asked her about what if she died, it would t seem like such a slap in the face when she actually did. It would also open a window for a more hurt Justin at the end.
That's all I got! You certainly have a knack for writing, so keep it up. A few grammatical errors here and there still need fixing, but that'll be easy. Well done!
Hello,
I am somewhat of a novice at scripting myself, but I will try to help you in whatever way that I can. This is quite impressive for your first script. Your narrative and characters are very strong, so most of my comments are going to be from a technical side of things.
The two most important things in crafting a successful script are believable dialogue and thorough description. That is because film is a very visual medium, and even if you're just writing a script for experimental purposes, you should always treat it like it is going to be filmed. There is barely any description of the location and the environment of this piece. When you write a script, you're basically pitching your idea of the film that's running in your head. Your script should only include what the eye can see, but I think you have room to include a little more in this piece.
The second think you can work on is your dialogue. When I was reading the piece softly to myself, it was hard to imagine someone realistically saying the things that your characters say. Try to think of how people talk, and who your characters are, and replicate that is best you can.
Thirdly, it's not really a good idea to use transitions such as "CUT TO". Any time you have a jump in scene it's basically implied that that is what's happening, and it marks the work of an amateur writer. Same with parenthetical, but I don't think you really use them here.
Otherwise, this is a great job for a first script, and I hope you write more! Good luck.
Hey! Luke here with a review. First, I'm gonna do my nitpicks, then do an overall.
NITPICKS:
"Her beaten and worn body holds shallow breaths."
I feel like this description would be better if you used something more concrete, like say she has bruises or cuts or blood stains. Give me a visual.
"KATELYN
Yeah. Please don’t turn me in. I’ll
leave "
Add a period.
"JUSTIN MUNRO a tall lanky but handsome boy looks at Katelyn."
I sense a love interest...
" POV: KATELYN PANS THE FACES OF THE OTHER TWO TEENS "
A rule I read said not to include POV shots explicitly in a script unless they're really important to the plot, so consider if that's true in this instance.
" Oh. So Amanda, um why did you
leave. "
Replace period with question mark.
" They key is to look like you’re a
homeless girl, not a runaway. "
The key, not they key.
" EXT. - AFTERNOON OUTSIDE OF A CAFETERRIA
POV: FROM BEHIND THE GROUP "
Every scene needs to start with a line of action describing the place. Here you jump straight to dialouge.
"Trays of chili are on the table. JUSTIN, AMANDA, KATELYN,
MATHEW, and TIA are all there. "
You already introduced these characters before, you don't capitalize their names again. You only do it the first time they're mentioned.
" FOLLOW GROUP AS THE ENTER THROUGH THE CARNIVAL GATES."
as THEY, not the.
" KATELYN
(breathless)
What was that all about "
You need punctuation sweetie.
"Katelyn nods her head sheepishly."
This is really picky, but you've used sheepishly like 4 times in 7 pages. Consider using a different adjective, IDK it got annoying.
" JUSTIN
(wrapping his arms around her)
It will be the last I promise. "
Whoa. That was sudden. It feels too quick that he would wrap her arms around her, I mean they've barely talked two minutes. If you're trying to develop romance, I'd suggest going a little slower, maybe adding description before he hugs her. Unless he's really touchy feely.
" EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS "
I've never seen the time of the scene come before whre it's located. Try "EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - EARLY EVENING"
"Did u get a
bunch pan handling?’ "
Did YOU get a bunch pan handling?
" AMANDA
(Offended)
No, Matthew tell her how we got
this money?
MATHEW "
Is his name Mathew or Matthew?
" AMANDA
I hate it, but at the same time I
see the necessity of it. You know
what I mean? "
No, I don't. Is she talking about the stealing or the not using a lot of money?
" KATELYN
I guess. Hey Tia sweetie, did you
enjoy the carnival? "
She's known these people for a day right? It just felt odd she'd already call Tia sweetie, since she barely knows her (or any of these people).
" KATELYN
For her own good. Trust me, you did
the right thing. "
For her own good? I don't really see that. Could you have Katelyn say how Justin leaving helped her sister, because I'm sure there's a good reason I'm not seeing.
"JUSTIN
Crap, we gotta move or we’ll be
flattened. Wake the rest up. I’ll
grab the stuff. "
WHA?? WHY WOULDNT THEY JUST SLEEP BY THE SIDE OF THE TRACKS THATS TERRIFYING.
" KATELYN
You are right."
'You are' is gramatically correct, but people almost never use it in real dialouge, so it makes this sound really stilted.
" MATHEW
(under his breath)
They take an awful lot of walks. "
Funny line
" JUSTIN
(Taking Katelyn’s face in his
hands)
You. "
He just said he couldn't find his happiness, but now he does have it? The romance felt really rushed IMO. They've known each other for 2 days now and hes already talking about eternal happiness?
"How does someone have
hope that anyone will except her
after that? "
ACCEPT, not except.
"Amanda makes a vomit
motion."
I like Amanda. XD
" With one more step the mother drives the knife into
Katelyn’s chest. "
O_O
Overall:
So this is a very competent story. It's not broken, and I can see the potential for a great story with some editing. Very impressive for your first script too.
The biggest thing I can say is slow down. The important things happen quite quickly here, and sometimes you spend too much time on scenes that don't matter. I felt like during the scene where all the runaways were telling their stories, everyone was really open about their trauma. Maybe it's part of their group dynamic, but even then I felt Katelyn should've been a little taken aback at how easily they gave away their secrets. Katelyn seemed to be accepted into the group REALLY fast, and it seemed too sudden for me. The romance also seemed too quick, as did Katelyn's departure. Why did she leave? So she could die? Really strange and didn't really make sense to me. You need to spend more time on that scene for me to believe her insane actions she takes.
If you're worried about it becoming too long, think about what's really necessary. The only character that's essential to the plot is Katelyn, and maybe Justin. Mathew could easily be cut and I wouldn't care. I thought Tia was cute and Amanda was funny and interesting, but at the end of the day they aren't required.
Hopefully this helps and goodluck on the rewrite!
Hello. Jordin here with a review for you. I hope it helps you out some.
This does not make any sense must re write it.Well I do not normally like this kind of story but this one was very well written and it was written by a pro.
Um... if I was you I would have made this story have a happy ending like have everyone go home and live happily ever after.
Very good job although I do not know why you put all of those continue thing in.
Holly gramaticall changes! This was the strangest and most well written story I have ever read.
Keep writing and good luck buddy.
~Jon~
@jordin the countinue things were the way the pages are formated. Just a little bit of screenwriting jargin (or what ever you want to call it) Also thanks for pointing out that error. I must have missed it.