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16+ Language Violence

Running for Happiness

by aouther2b


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

EXT. - EARLY MORNING PARK BENCH                                  
                                                                           
                                                               FADE IN     
                                                                           
          PAN:                                                             
                                                                           
          A young girl, KATELYN HOLMES, sleeps on a park bench. Her        
          beaten and worn body holds shallow breaths. Another girl,        
          AMANDA CHRIST, comes up next to her attempting to nudge the      
          girl awake.                                                      
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Yo, girl! Get up!                                      
                                                                           
          KATELYN wakes with a start.                                      
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (sheepishly)                                      
                    Sorry.                                                 
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (upon seeing the bruised face)                    
                    You a runaway?                                         
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Yeah. Please don’t turn me in. I’ll                    
                    leave                                                  
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Don’t worry. I’m a runaway too. My                     
                    names Amanda.                                          
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Katelyn. Why did you wake me?                          
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    ’Cause the cops will be round here                     
                    soon. Its kinda an understood thing                    
                    between us runaways that we don’t                      
                    let each other get caught.                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Oh. Well thanks.                                       
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    No problem.                                            
                                                                           
          Katelyn gets up and starts to limp away.                         
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    You need a place to go?                                
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              2.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (stopping to answer)                              
                    Yeah, why?                                             
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Come with me.                                          
                                                                           
                                                               CUT TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS                                      
                                                                           
          ZOOM TO: A GROUP OF TEENAGE RUNAWAYS SIT AROUND A MAKESHIFT      
          CAMPSITE.                                                        
                                                                           
          FROM THE DISTANCE AMANDA AND KATELYN APPROACH THE GROUP.         
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Hey all. This is Katelyn. She’s                        
                    like us so shut up and don’t                           
                    question the new addition or I’ll                      
                    beat you.                                              
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (wide eyed and sheepishly)                        
                    Hey.                                                   
                                                                           
          JUSTIN MUNRO a tall lanky but handsome boy looks at Katelyn.     
          Him along with the two other teens wear worn out but             
          semi-clean clothes.                                              
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Hey. Come and sit. We were just                        
                    about to eat some breakfast.                           
                                                                           
          Katelyn joins the group.                                         
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    So, um why did you guys run away?                      
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Oh, um. My mother is an alcoholic.                     
                    I left so that maybe she wouldn’t                      
                    drink so much and start looking for                    
                    me. I don’t know if she has or not.                    
                    Dad died early on.                                     
                                                                           
          POV: KATELYN PANS THE FACES OF THE OTHER TWO TEENS               
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    I ran cause my parents don’t give a                    
                    crap about me. I know I’m better                       
                    off without them, so don’t even try                    
                    to tell me differently.                                
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              3.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
          The other girl, TIA MICHELLE looks down then screams and         
          runs away close to the train tracks.                             
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Justin, its your turn.                                 
                                                                           
          Justin gets up to run after Tia.                                 
                                                                           
          PAN TO JUSTIN THEN BACK TO THE GROUP                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Is she okay?                                           
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Oh, Tia, yes and no. She isn’t                         
                    quite right. Want a sandwich.                          
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (taking the offer)                                
                    What do you mean?                                      
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    She isn’t really a run away. She is                    
                    probably just lost and a long way                      
                    from home. She can’t remember                          
                    anything at times. We all look                         
                    after her.                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (nodding)                                         
                    Oh. So Amanda, um why did you                          
                    leave.                                                 
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    I wanted to. Plain and simple.                         
                                                                           
          Justin and Tia return.                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Tia, what do you have to say to,                       
                    what did you say your name was?                        
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Katelyn.                                               
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Right. Tia what do you say to                          
                    Katelyn.                                               
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (scuffing her shoes in the                        
                         dirt)                                             
                    Sorry.                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              4.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Its okay.                                              
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (sitting down)                                    
                    What happened to you.                                  
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (glaring at Tia)                                  
                    Tia, shh!                                              
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    It’s okay. I was abused by my                          
                    mother. Physically as proof of the                     
                    scars and emotionally, but those                       
                    scars you can’t really see. I                          
                    couldn’t take it anymore, so I                         
                    left.                                                  
                                                                           
          They sit in silence eating their sandwiches. Finally, Amanda     
          gets up.                                                         
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Okay. We need to get Katelyn here                      
                    some of the necessities. We also                       
                    gotta show her the ropes of being a                    
                    runaway. Ready?                                        
                                                                           
          The rest of the groups follows Amanda’s lead.                    
                                                                           
                                                              FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. - AFTERNOON OUTSIDE OF A CAFETERRIA                         
                                                                           
          POV: FROM BEHIND THE GROUP                                       
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    They key is to look like you’re a                      
                    homeless girl, not a runaway. They                     
                    won’t take in the homeless but they                    
                    will take in a runaway. Got it?                        
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I think so.                                            
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. - MIDDAY CAFETERIA                                          
                                                                           
          FROM END OF TABLE TO VIEW THE GROUP ON BOTH SIDES.               
                                                                           
          Trays of chili are on the table. JUSTIN, AMANDA, KATELYN,        
          MATHEW, and TIA are all there.                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              5.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    What should we do for the rest of                      
                    today? We have time to kill before                     
                    the trains will finish their                           
                    passes.                                                
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Carnival!                                              
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Tia, what makes you think that                         
                    there is a carnival going on?                          
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (pointing at a poster on the                      
                         wall)                                             
                    Carnival!                                              
                                                                           
          PAN: STOP AT CARNIVAL POSTER WITH JUSTIN IN THE SHOT.            
                                                                           
          Justin looks over his shoulder.                                  
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    How does a carnival sound?                             
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Fine by me.                                            
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Fine by me.                                            
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Fine by me.                                            
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (clapping gleefully)                              
                    Carnival!                                              
                                                                           
                                                              SMASH TO     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT- AFTERNOON CARNIVAL                                          
                                                                           
          ESTABLISH A CARNIVAL WITH RIDES AND CARNIES.                     
                                                                           
          -KID TOSSING A RING IN A RING TOSS GAME                          
                                                                           
          -JUGGLER BEING WATCHED BY KIDS                                   
                                                                           
          -CARNIVAL RIDE                                                   
                                                                           
                                                               CUT TO:     
                                                                           
          FOLLOW GROUP AS THE ENTER THROUGH THE CARNIVAL GATES.            
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              6.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Tia is mesmerized. The rest of the group is just taking in       
          the surroundings.                                                
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Where to first?                                        
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Elephant!                                              
                                                                           
          The group looks at Tia and shrugs. They walk until all of a      
          sudden,                                                          
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Run!                                                   
                                                                           
          The group scatters. Katelyn stands there unsure of what to       
          do. Justin grabs her arm and pulls her with him.                 
                                                                           
          FOLLOW JUSTIN AND KATELYN FROM THE SIDE AS THEY RUN.             
                                                                           
          They get to a food stand and stop running to catch their         
          breath.                                                          
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (breathless)                                      
                    What was that all about                                
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (looking around)                                  
                    Not entirely sure. My guess is                         
                    Amanda saw a cop that has been                         
                    tailing us for the last year. The                      
                    feds want to take us in. We have                       
                    yet to get caught. So you better                       
                    not screw it up.                                       
                                                                           
          Katelyn nods her head sheepishly. Justin sensing her fear        
          turns back to her.                                               
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (With concern)                                    
                    Oh Katelyn, I’m sorry. I didn’t                        
                    mean to scare you. Shit, I’m so                        
                    sorry.                                                 
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (faking a smile)                                  
                    It’s fine. Not the first time I’ve                     
                    been yelled at.                                        
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (wrapping his arms around her)                    
                    It will be the last I promise.                         
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              7.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          ZOOM IN:                                                         
                                                                           
          Katelyn smiling as she hugs him.                                 
                                                                           
          ZOOM OUT:                                                        
                                                                           
          Amanda, Mathew and Tia approaching the two.                      
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    That was close. Will that guy ever                     
                    give up?                                               
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Lets hope that he does.                                
                                                                           
                                                              FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS                                 
                                                                           
          ZOOM FROM ABOVE:                                                 
                                                                           
          The group of teens are once again sitting campfire style.        
          All eating sandwiches again.                                     
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    If you’re all runaways, how do                         
                    afford this stuff. Did u get a                         
                    bunch pan handling?’                                   
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (Offended)                                        
                    No, Matthew tell her how we got                        
                    this money?                                            
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    I was born to a very wealthy                           
                    family. Before I left I stole about                    
                    two hundred thousand dollars in                        
                    cash.                                                  
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    We don’t spend it willy-nilly                          
                    though. Ten dollars at most a day                      
                    if we can help it. Some days we get                    
                    by on five.                                            
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    I hate it, but at the same time I                      
                    see the necessity of it. You know                      
                    what I mean?                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              8.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I guess. Hey Tia sweetie, did you                      
                    enjoy the carnival?                                    
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Elephant! I want to see the                            
                    Elephant!                                              
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    We will. Tomorrow. Okay?                               
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (returning to her sandwhich)                      
                    Okay.                                                  
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (whispering in Katelyn’s ear)                     
                    Good save. Can I take a walk with                      
                    you?                                                   
                                                                           
          Katelyn nods her head and rises.                                 
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (rising as well)                                  
                    We will be right back.                                 
                                                                           
          FOLLOW BY THE SIDE:                                              
                                                                           
          The two walk. Justin brushes his hand against Katelyn’s and      
          she takes a hold of it. Looking down ant their intertwined       
          fingers she has a faint smile.                                   
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Tell me about your mother?                             
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    There isn’t much to say. She drank                     
                    after my father died of a heart                        
                    attack. The thing I regret most is                     
                    leaving my little sister. She is                       
                    five now. I hope she is okay.                          
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    What is her name, your sister?                         
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Annabelle. She is just pure light.                     
                    Before I left I could feel her                         
                    brightness just watching her in her                    
                    crib.                                                  
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                              9.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Well she has an amazing brother.                       
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    She has a brother who abandoned                        
                    her.                                                   
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    For her own good. Trust me, you did                    
                    the right thing.                                       
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    And you? Tell me about your mother.                    
                    Besides the fact she seems like a                      
                    monster.                                               
                                                                           
          Justin turns her to face him. He runs his finger down a scar     
          on her face.                                                     
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    She wasn’t always one. When she                        
                    lost my little brother during the                      
                    pregnancy it’s like a switch was                       
                    flipped. Sometimes it would be                         
                    okay, but some days I had                              
                    absolutely nothing to hold onto. I                     
                    was drowning and I just couldn’t                       
                    get my head above the water.                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    And now?                                               
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Now? Now, I can breathe.                               
                                                                           
                                                              FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. SUNRISE TRAIN TRACKS                                        
                                                                           
          PAN:                                                             
                                                                           
          Birds chirping. A faint whistle blows in the distance. The       
          teenagers all lie in a group in sleeping bags. Katelyn,          
          hearing the whistle wakes up?                                    
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (shaking Justin)                                  
                    Justin. I heard a train whistle.                       
                    Should we move?                                        
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             10.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (rubbing his eyes sitting up)                     
                    What?                                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (frantic)                                         
                    I heard the train whistle.                             
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Crap, we gotta move or we’ll be                        
                    flattened. Wake the rest up. I’ll                      
                    grab the stuff.                                        
                                                                           
          Katelyn nods and sets about waking the rest up.                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Amanda! You need to wake up. The                       
                    train is coming.                                       
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (somewhat irritated)                              
                    Alright, Alright!                                      
                                                                           
          Katelyn moves to Mathew.                                         
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Mathew! It’s time to get up. The                       
                    train is coming right now.                             
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Really? Alright I’ll get up.                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Go help Justin with the stuff.                         
                                                                           
          Katelyn finally reaches Tia                                      
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Tia honey, you need to get up.                         
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (from the side)                                   
                    Good luck. Getting her up is half                      
                    the battle. She will be a mess when                    
                    she wakes.                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Shit. Okay, um, Justin! Set down                       
                    the stuff I’ll carry it. You carry                     
                    Tia. Amanda come help me carry the                     
                    stuff.                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             11.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Amanda trudges over as Katelyn and Justin trade spots.           
          Everything is going fast. Once everything is ready they step     
          off the track area but stand only a few feet away. Tia wakes     
          up in Justin’s arms and he sets her down.                        
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Where am I?                                            
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    You’re safe. Hold my hand.                             
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Okay!                                                  
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (to Katelyn)                                      
                    You ready?                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    For?                                                   
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    When the train passes, scream. Yell                    
                    at the top of your lungs. It feels                     
                    amazing.                                               
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Um, okay.                                              
                                                                           
          GO TO BEHIND THE GROUP:                                          
                                                                           
          As the train passes they all yell at the top of their lungs.     
          Even Tia, who turns red as she does it. Eventually the train     
          leaves.                                                          
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Told you so.                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    You are right. But I feel kind of                      
                    funny.                                                 
                                                                           
          Katelyn sways a little. Justin rushes over to catch her.         
                                                                           
                                                           FLASHBLACK:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. - EVENING KITCHEN                                           
                                                                           
          FROM ABOVE:                                                      
                                                                           
          A mother stands over her daughter with a knife. Holding it       
          to the girls cheek.                                              
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             12.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                    You are worthless. This face, it’s                     
                    mine. You take everything from me.                     
                                                                           
          Pressing hard the knife breaks skin.                             
                                                                           
                              YOUNG KATELYN                                
                    Please. Don’t do this. I can’t                         
                    handle it.                                             
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                         (laughing)                                        
                    You’re weak. You deserve everything                    
                    that is happening to you. You are                      
                    worthless.                                             
                                                                           
                                                        QUICK FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT - AFTERNOON FRONT PORCH                                      
                                                                           
          STRAIGHT ON:                                                     
                                                                           
          A mother and daughter sit on the porch bench.                    
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                    I love you Katelyn. Don’t forget                       
                    that                                                   
                                                                           
                              YOUNG KATELYN                                
                    Yes mother. I love you too.                            
                                                                           
                                                        QUICK FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT - EARLY EVENING HOSPITAL                                     
                                                                           
          FUZZY POV: KATELYN                                               
                                                                           
                              DOCTOR 1                                     
                    Multiple lacerations. Broken rib                       
                    and arm. Possible skull fracture.                      
                                                                           
                              NURSE 1                                      
                    Will she make it?                                      
                                                                           
                              DOCTOR 1                                     
                    It doesn’t look like it. But we                        
                    have to try.                                           
                                                                           
                              YOUNG KATELYN                                
                    Tell her I’m sorry.                                    
                                                                           
                                                             SMASH TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                 13.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. MORNING TRAIN TRACKS                                        
                                                                           
          PULL OUT:                                                        
                                                                           
          THE GROUP SITS IN A CIRCLE AT THEIR SITE. KATELYN’S HEAD         
          LIES IN JUSTIN’S LAP.                                            
                                                                           
          ZOOM IN:                                                         
                                                                           
          Katelyn wakes up. The group breathes a sigh of relief.           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    What happened?                                         
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    You fainted.                                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    How long have I been out?                              
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    About an hour or two. You okay? I’m                    
                    sorry if my idea made you sick.                        
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    No. The yelling helped. I am sorry                     
                    I fainted on you guys. That hasn’t                     
                    happened since-                                        
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Since when?                                            
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Doesn’t matter. I’m fine now, that                     
                    is what matters. What are we doing                     
                    today?                                                 
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Let’s just rest.                                       
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Sleep?                                                 
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Yes, sleep. Katelyn, do you think                      
                    you would be up for a walk?                            
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (rising)                                          
                    Yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             14.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                         (under his breath)                                
                    They take an awful lot of walks.                       
                                                                           
                                                       FLASH QUICK TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS                                      
                                                                           
          PAN UP FROM FEET AND FOLLOW BEHIND:                              
                                                                           
          Holding hands again they walk for a while in silence. Then       
          they stop.                                                       
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    You were remembering.                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    How did you know?                                      
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    You were screaming. The last thing                     
                    you said was to tell her you’re                        
                    sorry. Was it your mother?                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I don’t want to talk about it?                         
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Okay. Just know I’m here if you do.                    
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Thanks. Look I have to ask you                         
                    something.                                             
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Ask away.                                              
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Why are you still running. Wouldn’t                    
                    your mother be better by now?                          
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    I don’t know. I suppose so. But I                      
                    have a family with them. I can’t                       
                    leave them behind while I find my                      
                    happiness.                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    What do you mean find you                              
                    happiness.                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             15.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Well I believe that everyone has a                     
                    reason for living. It’s that one                       
                    thing, or person, that makes them                      
                    happy. Without fail, day or night,                     
                    good times or bad, it’s their light                    
                    in the darkest of times.                               
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    And you think that you can’t have                      
                    yours.                                                 
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Sometimes I think I’ve found it.                       
                    But no, I need to see that those I                     
                    love are with their happiness                          
                    before I’m with mine.                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    What do you think your happiness                       
                    is?                                                    
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (Taking Katelyn’s face in his                     
                         hands)                                            
                    You.                                                   
                                                                           
          Justin kisses Katelyn. Katelyn responds.                         
                                                                           
                                                              FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT - AFTERNOON PARK                                             
                                                                           
          WIDE:                                                            
                                                                           
          The group of teens are all lying in the grass.                   
                                                                           
          ZOOM IN FROM ABOVE:                                              
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (reaching up towards the sky)                     
                    I wanna catch it!                                      
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Catch what Tia?                                        
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    The clouds                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Then reach out really far.                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             16.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Okay!                                                  
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    Katelyn, how do you do that?                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Do what?                                               
                                                                           
                              MATHEW                                       
                    How are you so strong? You’ve been                     
                    through hell, I can see it. I hated                    
                    living at home, but you, you were                      
                    dying being there. How the heck are                    
                    you so strong?                                         
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I have hope I guess.                                   
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    I wish I could have that kind of                       
                    hope. My parents kicked me out when                    
                    I was twelve. How does someone have                    
                    hope that anyone will except her                       
                    after that?                                            
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I don’t know. I have hope because                      
                    after everything that happened,                        
                    it’s the one thing she could never                     
                    take away.                                             
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Tia, how you doing on catching that                    
                    cloud?                                                 
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                         (straining her arm just a                         
                         little more)                                      
                    Almost got it?                                         
                                                                           
          They all laugh.                                                  
                                                                           
                                                              FADE TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS                                 
                                                                           
          WIDE:                                                            
                                                                           
          The teens are in their usual positions. However Katelyn is       
          on Justin’s lap.                                                 
                                                                           
          ZOOM IN:                                                         
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             17.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Justin whispers into Katelyn’s ear. She pushes his shoulder      
          and he falls back, taking her with him. Amanda makes a vomit     
          motion. Tia is distracted by Mathew.                             
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Get a room.                                            
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    We would if we could.                                  
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Oh shove it pretty boy.                                
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (kissing Katelyn)                                 
                    Where?                                                 
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (throwing her cards at the                        
                         two)                                              
                    You are disgusting. Come on Mathew                     
                    and Tia, lets go for a walk.                           
                                                                           
          The two follow Amanda.                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    I thought they would never leave.                      
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (kissing his cheek and sitting                    
                         up)                                               
                    I’m sure you did. Now that they’re                     
                    gone there is something I need to                      
                    tell you.                                              
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (concerned)                                       
                    What?                                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (nervous)                                         
                    I’m going back. Please I know that                     
                    you won’t like it, but I have to.                      
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    You can’t. That woman is a monster.                    
                    How could you even consider-                           
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                         (rising)                                          
                    She’s my mother. She needs me. I                       
                    shouldn’t have left.                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             18.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (rising)                                          
                    You would have died if you stayed.                     
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    You don’t know that.                                   
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    I saw it. When you came to us, when                    
                    I met you, you were nothing but a                      
                    hollow shell of a girl. There                          
                    wasn’t an ounce of life left in                        
                    you. But now, now you beam with it.                    
                    It overflows.                                          
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    But what if you’re wrong. What if                      
                    this is all an act.                                    
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    Then you are no more fit to go back                    
                    than you were before. Like I said,                     
                    you were dying right before my very                    
                    eyes, but we brought you back. We                      
                    gave you the love she will never                       
                    give.                                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    But she can. She can love! I’ve                        
                    seen it.                                               
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (laughing)                                        
                    When? When you’re on the brink of                      
                    death. Lying in a hospital bed,                        
                    having to fight to survive because                     
                    of what she has done to you.                           
                    Katelyn, listen to me. You can’t go                    
                    back, not now, not ever.                               
                                                                           
          Katelyn tries to walk away. Justin grabs her to stop her.        
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (cont’d)                                          
                    Please. Don’t leave us. Don’t leave                    
                    me.                                                    
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    What if that’s my happiness. What                      
                    if the one thing that could bring                      
                    me joy is my final surrender. It                       
                    would be the one thing that I                          
                    myself could control.                                  
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             19.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (tears in his eyes)                               
                    Please don’t say that. Anything but                    
                    that.                                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    But its the truth. Now let me go.                      
                    I’m not leaving tonight.                               
                                                                           
          Justin lets go and Katelyn goes over to the pile of stuff        
          the group has. The rest return.                                  
                                                                           
                              TIA                                          
                    Justin! I found a pretty rock.                         
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                         (looking over to Katelyn)                         
                    Good Job sweetie.                                      
                                                                           
                                                        FADE TO WHITE:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. - EARLY MORNING TRAIN TRACKS                                
                                                                           
          WIDE:                                                            
                                                                           
          Everybody but Katelyn is lying asleep. She stands there          
          alone and awake above them all.                                  
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    I love you all.                                        
                                                                           
          She drops a paper and runs away.                                 
                                                                           
                                                               CUT TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. - MORNING TRAIN TRACKS                                      
                                                                           
          OVER THE SHOULDER:                                               
                                                                           
          Justin holds a note written by Katelyn.                          
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    Where’s Katelyn.                                       
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    She left.                                              
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                    What do you mean she left?                             
                                                                           
          TURN WITH JUSTIN:                                                
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           
          CONTINUED:                                             20.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    She left. She went back home. She                      
                    said she wanted to go back. I                          
                    begged her not to go, but she left.                    
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (covering her mouth)                              
                    We need to find her.                                   
                                                                           
          Justin nods his head. They set off leaving MATHEW and TIA        
          behind.                                                          
                                                                           
                                                               CUT TO:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. - AFTERNOON LIVING ROOM                                     
                                                                           
          OVER THE SHOULDER:                                               
                                                                           
          Katelyn’s mother stands in the kitchen.                          
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                    Your back.                                             
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Yes. I’m sorry for leaving.                            
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                         (Picking up knife)                                
                    I’m sure you are. You still have to                    
                    be punished though.                                    
                                                                           
                              KATELYN                                      
                    Yes mother.                                            
                                                                           
          PAN OUT TO WIDE:                                                 
                                                                           
          Mother steps toward Katelyn holding the knife.                   
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                    What can I do to make sure you                         
                    never leave again.                                     
                                                                           
          With one more step the mother drives the knife into              
          Katelyn’s chest.                                                 
                                                                           
                              MOTHER                                       
                    There, now you will never leave.                       
                                                                           
                                                       SMASH TO BLACK:     
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                 21.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT - EVENING FRONT OF THE HOUSE.                                
                                                                           
          WIDE:                                                            
                                                                           
          Cop cars and an ambulance surround Katelyn’s house. Justin       
          and Amanda run up to the scene. They go up to a nearby           
          officer.                                                         
                                                                           
          ZOOM IN:                                                         
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    What happened?                                         
                                                                           
                              COP                                          
                    Who are you?                                           
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    I’m Katelyn’s friend. Please tell                      
                    us what happened.                                      
                                                                           
                              COP                                          
                    I’m sorry. Your friend was killed                      
                    this afternoon. Do you know who                        
                    could have done it? There was no                       
                    one around when we found her.                          
                                                                           
                              AMANDA                                       
                         (tearfully)                                       
                    Her mother. Her mother, she abused                     
                    her. Oh god.                                           
                                                                           
                              COP                                          
                    Thank you. Again my sincere                            
                    apologies.                                             
                                                                           
          The cop leaves. Justin wraps Amanda in his arms.                 
                                                                           
                              JUSTIN                                       
                    She found her happiness now. I just                    
                    hope it was really what she wanted.                    
                                                                           
                                                        FADE TO BLACK      
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           


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User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 475
Reviews: 16

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Wed Jun 12, 2013 5:44 pm
CarolineNaveen wrote a review...



Hi there! First off this says this is your first script and for a first attempt. Please know that I liked it and what is included in this review is nothing more than constructive critiques it’s nothing personal. Wow that story! Okay, now here’s the review.
First off your overall plotline was a great original idea! I love that and I would stretch some of the scenes out a little bit and you had some great dimensions to the story not making it flat. So the potential is there but to really make it great work on those subplots and bring out the interesting qualities a little more. i.e. the relationship between Justin and Katelyn you could have a little more development leading up to that first kiss. Yes, we all saw it coming and that’s perfectly fine but if you can’t make it sudden, really drag it out so that when they finally kiss the reader/audience goes: Yes!
The opening you could have expanded a little more especially because it’s a screenplay (at least I believe it is.) All the runaways seem to be extremely forthcoming with the information of who there and information about there families and then you repeat it again later in the script. I believe that once on the back story is enough. Runaway teens, and homeless teens I believe are the toughest and most vulnerable people on the planet and I would play off of that. Nothing visibly phases them but then again when the truth really does come out it’s dramatic honest and moving.
So I would have them all be more tough at the beginning except for Kaytlin who I believe (just a suggestion) needs to be faking toughness and I would make this visible in her actions and her dialogue. Ie. More accusing and direct with the dialogue, who are you? Who do you think you are? Maybe Justin is actually restraining her and she struggles against him and because of their first meeting take a while to warm up toward each other. Making him or her have to at some point be like “look I know we got off on the wrong foot.” The other person shutting them down that might be interesting.
2,000 dollars stolen before he left seems a little random and out there….
What is the time period of this script? That will help the reader understand I’m picturing a group of dirty teenagers from the 1930’s (great depression time period) is that correct? Because that would make since for why they’re by the train tracks all the time because that’s how teens in that point in time would travel was by “jumping trains.”
Dialogue. Use homeless lingo if they’re from the 1930’s use some lingo, if they’re from down south use that. Some of the dialogue seems a little static for some reason in some places but I don’t believe it anything that a read out loud wouldn’t fix.
I really like the idea of Justin having a little sister! I’d play off that more; it’s a very interesting cool plot which adds some more dimension to the story.
Katelyn: I was drowning and I just couldn’t get my head above the water.
Justin: And now?
Katelyn: Now I can breathe.
I would save this for later it’s to good of a line to use up at the beginning and could be more powerful further along in the script. Maybe Justin can re-say it at the end after she is killed. This is an excellent place to make a moment!
Justin: Crap we gotta move or we’ll get flattened.
Are they sleeping on the train tracks? If so why? That doesn’t seem logical because trains could come in the night. If they are they need a reason, or you could just cut the section of the line about being flattened and move on with the rest of the story.
Also in this scene Katelyn repeats “A trains coming we need to go/get out” a lot. She could just scream it really loud and awake the rest of the kids. There also some techniques you can do to instigate urgency through dialogue. I.e. Katelyn: Everyone get up now? Amanda (not completely awake): Hmmm? Katelyn: I said get up you idiots the trains comin’! Things like that, I’m assuming by your formatting that this is a screenplay. If so than use that, add more cuts between shots. Screenplays list the shots and all the action. Here’s a tip: A stage play is 90 percent dialogue, a screenplay is 90 percent action, shot angles and direction. That’s why the stage play dialogue is aliened on the left side of the page with the action in the center and then the screenplay dialogue is in the middle so that actors can pick out the dialogue.
It appears as though you formatted this script on www.celtx.com I love that program! If you haven’t it’s a great place to learn formatting and it copied really well to this website. Anyways back to your story now.
Justin and Kaitlin take a walk immediately after she returns to the land of the living. I like the idea of them taking walks and Matthew’s sarcastic remark after they leave, but if Justin really cares about her and I think he does I don’t think he would ask her to take a walk with him at that point in time. I would save it for a more appropriate time later or earlier in the script somewhere.
Hah! I was right Justin does care! They just kissed hahaha. Yea, maybe after she faints the others could be grossed out like you showed later and leave. I would suggest combining those scenes so that you can get the others out of the camp that way you could have some interesting dialogue. I.e. introduction of Kaitlin’s mother (I believe this is already there.) Justin (tucking her hair behind her ear.): Are you sure you’re alright? Kaitlin: Yea, I’m fine. The introduction of their feelings for each other and their first kiss, all in one scene!  And then I would have the whole script crescendo to this being the climax. Then the falling action can be her leaving the camp and being killed by her mother.
Alright falling action, I saw great potential in the climax in those scenes I mentioned and I would be really careful to build to those more but when we hit the falling action and the conclusion I was shocking unmoved. I’m not exactly sure why but here’s some thoughts that might be the reason.
a. Her leaving was not dramatic enough.
b. The lack of emotion of Justin’s side. I feel like if he loved someone so much and she was murdered he would be more dramatically moved. He needs to do one of two things let the emotion out immediately or try to hide it behind the tough wall that he has and we need to see him grow bitter on the inside.
c. “You are my happiness” I’m really struggling here. If you’re worried about saying these three words “I love you” don’t be because they need to be in the script someplace.
d. After Justin knows she leaves does he try to pursue her when she realizes she leaves? I believe he would want to protect her, he knew where she was going and he had an idea what would happen so why did he let her go so calmly? Once again this leads back up to a.
e. “She found her happiness now and I really hope that’s what she wanted.” Hmmm I really don’t think the whole finding happiness thing is cutting it. It’s not dramatic enough for the rest of the themes. Let me see what might “now I can breathe” I don’t know how that could be re-added at the end because it really doesn’t make much since there…..I’d just find something more powerful to end with. You have a powerful plotline and I wouldn’t want to throw it away with words that could be easily not pulled off by an actor.
Conclusion: Okay, I LOVED it. That is the best storyline for a script I’ve seen come through here in a long time and that’s why I gave it such a long review is because it shows potential and I’d really like to see you continue with it. I love your plot, and some of you dialogue is great too. Some overall things that I would work on is the development to your amazing climax and your conclusion at the end. It’s a tragedy in a way, so it really needs to be tragic for Justin who has been left behind and it needs to show somehow. With outward emotions or just the fight against the emotion but he NEEDS to have that emotion at the end or he turns into sort of a robot and we don’t really care about him. I loved your personalization of the characters. Some of them where not really introduced quickly enough at the beginning and I was like who is this person? I would have them all speak very distinctly in their first scene where they discover Kaitlin so that we can get to know there characters quickly. I LOVED the screaming at the train thing  that was pretty genius!  Okay so I guess that’s everything overall amazing especially for a first try, keep editing it until you make it perfect a script is never truly “finished” as it is constantly being edited, but great great first draft!




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42 Reviews


Points: 553
Reviews: 42

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Wed Jun 12, 2013 5:09 pm
DannieInkblotHanson wrote a review...



Hello! I am Dannie and here is some stuff I have written for you!
You've got good direction with this. I like a lot of your dialogue and things like that. I also like your establishment of the relationship between all the runaways. But I think the characters could use a little more development, especially Katelyn. We get to know what happened to her and why she left, but we don't really know why she went back. We never get to see what's going on in her head. Maybe if she had a conversation with Amanda before Justin it would change the way she told Justin. I was also really curious about the other characters, like Matthew because you didn't write a whole lot about him and maybe he could talk to Katelyn and we could get to know him better.
Katelyn's mother didn't seem very believable, to be honest. Including the flash-back scene was very smart on your part, but for some of the parts when she was being abusive she seemed downright cruell and evil, not an emotionally unstable woman. The story would have more of a punch if we could feel sorry for her. Like if the stabbing in the end came out of a surge of emotions at Katelyn's return, and afterward she realizes what she did and feels bad. That would give Katelyn a more viable reason to return to her, but the woman she came home to was really a psychopath and didn't show any love at all.
The end could have used a little foreshadowing, too. Maybe if Justin asked her about what if she died, it would t seem like such a slap in the face when she actually did. It would also open a window for a more hurt Justin at the end.
That's all I got! You certainly have a knack for writing, so keep it up. A few grammatical errors here and there still need fixing, but that'll be easy. Well done!




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1253 Reviews


Points: 1822
Reviews: 1253

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Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:30 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hello,

I am somewhat of a novice at scripting myself, but I will try to help you in whatever way that I can. This is quite impressive for your first script. Your narrative and characters are very strong, so most of my comments are going to be from a technical side of things.

The two most important things in crafting a successful script are believable dialogue and thorough description. That is because film is a very visual medium, and even if you're just writing a script for experimental purposes, you should always treat it like it is going to be filmed. There is barely any description of the location and the environment of this piece. When you write a script, you're basically pitching your idea of the film that's running in your head. Your script should only include what the eye can see, but I think you have room to include a little more in this piece.

The second think you can work on is your dialogue. When I was reading the piece softly to myself, it was hard to imagine someone realistically saying the things that your characters say. Try to think of how people talk, and who your characters are, and replicate that is best you can.

Thirdly, it's not really a good idea to use transitions such as "CUT TO". Any time you have a jump in scene it's basically implied that that is what's happening, and it marks the work of an amateur writer. Same with parenthetical, but I don't think you really use them here.

Otherwise, this is a great job for a first script, and I hope you write more! Good luck.




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57 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 57

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Thu May 30, 2013 7:04 am
Wariofart wrote a review...



Hey! Luke here with a review. First, I'm gonna do my nitpicks, then do an overall.

NITPICKS:

"Her beaten and worn body holds shallow breaths."
I feel like this description would be better if you used something more concrete, like say she has bruises or cuts or blood stains. Give me a visual.
"KATELYN
Yeah. Please don’t turn me in. I’ll
leave "
Add a period.
"JUSTIN MUNRO a tall lanky but handsome boy looks at Katelyn."
I sense a love interest...
" POV: KATELYN PANS THE FACES OF THE OTHER TWO TEENS "
A rule I read said not to include POV shots explicitly in a script unless they're really important to the plot, so consider if that's true in this instance.
" Oh. So Amanda, um why did you
leave. "
Replace period with question mark.
" They key is to look like you’re a
homeless girl, not a runaway. "
The key, not they key.
" EXT. - AFTERNOON OUTSIDE OF A CAFETERRIA

POV: FROM BEHIND THE GROUP "
Every scene needs to start with a line of action describing the place. Here you jump straight to dialouge.
"Trays of chili are on the table. JUSTIN, AMANDA, KATELYN,
MATHEW, and TIA are all there. "
You already introduced these characters before, you don't capitalize their names again. You only do it the first time they're mentioned.
" FOLLOW GROUP AS THE ENTER THROUGH THE CARNIVAL GATES."
as THEY, not the.
" KATELYN
(breathless)
What was that all about "
You need punctuation sweetie.
"Katelyn nods her head sheepishly."
This is really picky, but you've used sheepishly like 4 times in 7 pages. Consider using a different adjective, IDK it got annoying.
" JUSTIN
(wrapping his arms around her)
It will be the last I promise. "
Whoa. That was sudden. It feels too quick that he would wrap her arms around her, I mean they've barely talked two minutes. If you're trying to develop romance, I'd suggest going a little slower, maybe adding description before he hugs her. Unless he's really touchy feely.
" EXT. -EARLY EVENING TRAIN TRACKS "
I've never seen the time of the scene come before whre it's located. Try "EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - EARLY EVENING"
"Did u get a
bunch pan handling?’ "
Did YOU get a bunch pan handling?
" AMANDA
(Offended)
No, Matthew tell her how we got
this money?

MATHEW "
Is his name Mathew or Matthew?
" AMANDA
I hate it, but at the same time I
see the necessity of it. You know
what I mean? "
No, I don't. Is she talking about the stealing or the not using a lot of money?
" KATELYN
I guess. Hey Tia sweetie, did you
enjoy the carnival? "
She's known these people for a day right? It just felt odd she'd already call Tia sweetie, since she barely knows her (or any of these people).
" KATELYN
For her own good. Trust me, you did
the right thing. "
For her own good? I don't really see that. Could you have Katelyn say how Justin leaving helped her sister, because I'm sure there's a good reason I'm not seeing.
"JUSTIN
Crap, we gotta move or we’ll be
flattened. Wake the rest up. I’ll
grab the stuff. "
WHA?? WHY WOULDNT THEY JUST SLEEP BY THE SIDE OF THE TRACKS THATS TERRIFYING.
" KATELYN
You are right."
'You are' is gramatically correct, but people almost never use it in real dialouge, so it makes this sound really stilted.
" MATHEW
(under his breath)
They take an awful lot of walks. "
Funny line :)
" JUSTIN
(Taking Katelyn’s face in his
hands)
You. "
He just said he couldn't find his happiness, but now he does have it? The romance felt really rushed IMO. They've known each other for 2 days now and hes already talking about eternal happiness?
"How does someone have
hope that anyone will except her
after that? "
ACCEPT, not except.
"Amanda makes a vomit
motion."
I like Amanda. XD
" With one more step the mother drives the knife into
Katelyn’s chest. "
O_O

Overall:

So this is a very competent story. It's not broken, and I can see the potential for a great story with some editing. Very impressive for your first script too.
The biggest thing I can say is slow down. The important things happen quite quickly here, and sometimes you spend too much time on scenes that don't matter. I felt like during the scene where all the runaways were telling their stories, everyone was really open about their trauma. Maybe it's part of their group dynamic, but even then I felt Katelyn should've been a little taken aback at how easily they gave away their secrets. Katelyn seemed to be accepted into the group REALLY fast, and it seemed too sudden for me. The romance also seemed too quick, as did Katelyn's departure. Why did she leave? So she could die? Really strange and didn't really make sense to me. You need to spend more time on that scene for me to believe her insane actions she takes.
If you're worried about it becoming too long, think about what's really necessary. The only character that's essential to the plot is Katelyn, and maybe Justin. Mathew could easily be cut and I wouldn't care. I thought Tia was cute and Amanda was funny and interesting, but at the end of the day they aren't required.
Hopefully this helps and goodluck on the rewrite! :)




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241 Reviews


Points: 286
Reviews: 241

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Wed May 29, 2013 7:45 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello. Jordin here with a review for you. I hope it helps you out some.

KATELYN
What do you mean find you
happiness.
This does not make any sense must re write it.


Well I do not normally like this kind of story but this one was very well written and it was written by a pro.

Um... if I was you I would have made this story have a happy ending like have everyone go home and live happily ever after.

Very good job although I do not know why you put all of those continue thing in.

Holly gramaticall changes! This was the strangest and most well written story I have ever read.

Keep writing and good luck buddy.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




aouther2b says...


@jordin the countinue things were the way the pages are formated. Just a little bit of screenwriting jargin (or what ever you want to call it) Also thanks for pointing out that error. I must have missed it.




Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard