I am scared. Running like hell and scarred. I seem to be running away from the fact that people have it so much worse than I do, I am finding it harder and harder to find that little thing every day that keeps me smiling. You, see I have a story, like so many other people, that begins with life. And how we seem to miss the little moments in it because we are to preoccupied with looking at the bigger picture.
My name is Sabrina Thompson. I am short with short golden brown hair, glasses and a bad complexion. OH, and I am pre-diabetic. This is not going over well with my parents.
My mother and father got a divorce when I was six. I don't want pity. I want people to know that i know that i can't change it. My mother married a year later to my step- father, Mark. My father is engaged for the second time. My mother has the house and more custody. I have lived in over 11 different houses with my father. each house better and worse.
My mother and step- father aren't easy to please. My mother is 4,10" and overweight. Sometimes I think that she is trying to live her life through me. She was overweight when she was little and now that she has a chubby daughter it seems like she is trying to show her mother that she can do something healthy. So i suffer.
The thing that bugs me about this whole weight fiasco is that it's never enough. They have given me a personal trainer. put me on diets. I have gotten healthier. They don't see it. the don't get that they're hurting me. there hasn't been weeks that I don't cry myself to sleep one night for a long time.
My friends. They are my life. I love them. but for I while I find it hard to believe that they love me back. Hormones are my blame for this one. I am very moody. This causers tons of fights. That and some of my friends like don't like each other. Most of my friends are impossible to please. I miss being a kid where I don't fight.
My big socializing place is church. Youth groups to be exact. I have to close guy friends there. Max, and Jacob. They're eighth graders. Jacob is my hero. He is my shoulder to cry on. Now more than ever I need him. but he isn't here. He has moved on.
My father. Erik Thompson. He is tall and bulky. funny to. but with everything else in my life I haven't really laughed with him in a long time. He has lost his job. found a new one and is trying as hard as ever to keep it. I graduate in two days. He can't be there. All of these things scare me.
My father, friends, family, life. I seem to have a hard time seeing what I think is missing. LOVE.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Thank you all for your reviews. I am happy you all liked it. I will get on rewriting it so that you can understand it better. I would also like to know if you want to know more. Let me know through this or PM me if you need anything. Thanks for listening to me.
I really like the way it is so real. I can't really relate to anything except being short part. (but even that kinda sucks) but as I was saying, I really like the reality in it. That just gives it a kind of edge. The story was all together good, exept for the few grammatical errors in it (which i'm guessing have already been pointed out to you) But just wanted to tell ya that I liked the story!
What I think you need to do is read the piece out loud: that way you can find your own errors (typos and incomplete sentences.) I do like your writing, especially how it is your OWN life. And you don't try to sweeten it, or make it appealing. It's your life, and here it is. I like that.
Other than that, read it aloud. I just noticed some sentences that didn't string well with another.
Keep it up!
Rachel
Hi Sabrina. I love what you wrote. It's really from your heart and from your life. I know there are kids out there who feel similar to you in ways and it helps them realize they're not alone in the world when someone's brave enough to share their experiences (like you) with them. I've loved writing Fantasy Fiction ever since I was a little girl. I realized later on in life I wasn't writing about the character's I'd brought to life. I was writing about myself. Lately I've been writing non-fiction stories about my life and it's great to read someone else's. Keep up the good work writing and living, believe me when I say you're not alone:)
~Dakota
[quote="aouther2b"]I am scared. Running like hell and scarred /quote] see, you spelled scared wrong. you spelled it scarred. Or did you mean to say scarred as in scar? Any ways, this was a great piece and I loved how you had your voice and tone was so real and not robotic. It was packed with emotion, and I could understand how you felt. I think that it's horrible that your Mom is doing that to you. She needs to accept you as who you are. I am ticked off at that! But I gave you a gold star and PM me if you write anything new!
Hi,
I write like this piece because of its sense of reality. The fact that you are looking over and reviewing your life shows a good quality both in the writing style, but also in you. It's often something that writers do, try to look in from the outside. So I like it. You do need to change the mistakes though, they really distracted me from the writing. Good punctuation, good writing effect. Yeh, just change those mistakes and it'll be done.
PM me if you need any help,
Miriam
Hi,
I write like this piece because of its sense of reality. The fact that you are looking over and reviewing your life shows a good quality both in the writing style, but also in you. It's often something that writers do, try to look in from the outside. So I like it. You do need to change the mistakes though, they really distracted me from the writing. Good punctuation, good writing effect. Yeh, just change those mistakes and it'll be done.
PM me if you need any help,
Miriam
My mom is the same way. I was born "pretty"(lol that sounds so frickin shallow and vain I'm only repeating what my mom said she is shallow as hell), so she assumes that I should automatically have a boyfriend and tons of friends. Because my mom wants me to be popular like she was, she buys me abercrombie and hollister to "fit it" and tells me to hang out with more popular people. But she kinda gave up. I have tons of friends at school because I make everyone laugh, I never leave the house (LOSER) I totally get the thing about your mom. Just focus on your cool quirks, not your so called flaws AKA what your mom says is bad about you. Ive been doing that for years and now I finally feel self confident.
Hi! I really enjoyed this piece. The biggest issue is the grammar. There's quite a few mistakes, but as they've already been pointed out, I would just like to compliment you for your honesty.
This was written from your heart, from your soul, and you can tell.
Two parts I particularly liked: (and I don't know how to quote it the official way, I'm sorry)
"I seem to be running away from the fact that people have it so much worse than I do..."
This is probably the most honest, valid part, straight from the heart of a teenager. It is not ignorant to be overwhelmed by emotional stress, and feel like everyone has it easier, even though you know it's physically not that bad. It illustrates the rocky path that all must walk, but most importantly, displays enough maturity to prove to yourself that this is something you will overcome. It's all just another step toward a better future, and you seem to recognize the signs of growing up within yourself.
"I don't want pity. I want people to know that i know that i can't change it."
I liked this, simply because it's bold, straight-forward, and again, displays a maturity that signals your ability to overcome these obstacles.
The last part that really stood out to me was your final line:
"I seem to have a hard time seeing what I think is missing. LOVE."
Again, this line is an honest, heartfelt line, and with this line I think you force practically everyone who reads it to relate this to some point in their lives. When readers relate, the piece becomes more powerful, and the emotions become more real.
As a side note, I would like to tell you that love is all around you, and love is inside of you. It comes from you, and it surrounds you. You will find it with time, you just need to learn how to recognize it. This is something that most people will never do, I think, and seemingly you are well on your way.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Hello,
Iam so glad to be your reviewer for today:) Now on with the review. I'll just point out what needs alittle fixin'
Just a silly typo girly
I think because these are almost two seperate ideas instead of using that comma put a period in there.
You don't need the comma after you
You shoudl never really start a sentence with the words and, but or, because. So to make this work put a comma after life in the sentence before this and take out the period then lower case the and to make a conjunction:)
The repetition of short in this sentence messes with the flow so maybe use I'm petite with short gloden brown hair. Also I love the description great job
Don't capitalize the H in oh.
Silly typos you have to capitalize the I in this sentence
If your mother has more custody then why do you live with your father?
Capitalize the beginning of the sentence
You need a comma after little
Capitalize your I darlin
capitalize the beginning of a sentence plus this is just a fragment. there needs to be a verb for it to be a complete sentence
Capitalize the beginning of the sentence and typo silly-willy. They
Capitalize the beginning of the sentence also this doesn't flow right. maybe change it to this:
There hasn't been a day, in weeks, that I haven't cried my self to sleep at night. It feels like such a long time.
Take out the but in the beginning of the sentence and replace the first I with a
Typo silly, causes
Comma after that
You used the wrong to it should be two
Combined this into one sentence by putting a comma where the first period is
Capitalize Funny and you used the wrong to it should be too
Take out but in the beginning of this sentence
Capitalize found
overall: I really loved this piece. Its so real, maybe I feel this way because much of this story I can relate to. Thanks for sharing
-Tiffany
Please pm me with any questions:)