Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
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141,679 Literary Works • 675,520 Reviews
Hi Anya!! Welcome to the young writers society. I hope you've been enjoying your experience here so far.
Anyway now onto your poem. Your poem cuts deep into the reader's hearts. The raw emotion, the imagery, everything is exactly on point.
And my favourite line was " an empty blood less skull with a flair for dramatics". Like oh my gosh this line is so poetic and the emotions attached with it are also sooo...
OMG I just don't have the proper words to describe how much I loved reading your poem. It's really really awesome.
I look forward to reading more of your amazing works. Keep going!!
Hi anya,
welcome to Young writers society! I hope you're enjoying the place so far - we've got a great community, and a lot of very talented and helpful poets, I hope you stick around and keep sharing your work with us, I can see you have a lot of talent and really enjoyed reading this piece you posted!
It's raw and heart-achy in a way that makes me want to stop reading, but also keep reading, but you don't just communicate emotions you also pull in these images and artfulness too with the snake metaphor and the theme of privacy juxtaposed to self-harm. It's really well done, and I'm not coming up with much that I'd critique!
I love how you transform the janitor as the reader continues on with the poem -> at first they are an intruder, then they're "kind" / concerned, then a dangerous snake, then a predator - it makes the speaker out to be an unreliable narrator I think where as the reader I have to question if the janitor's intention was good or bad from what's been told. Vey interesting.
I like the images you use too - how they build on top of each other in the most unexpected ways.
I think my only suggestion is that I'm not sure if the title really fits the whole of what the poem's saying? Maybe something about venom? Not sure, but that was the only place that I saw room for improvement!
Overall, incredibly tight piece - thoughtful, thought-provoking, it stirs empathy and confusion and sadness in me for the speaker and while painting a story also raises new questions and avenues of thought.
Hope you keep writing and posting, you have a gift!
alliyah
Hey, coming in to review this heartbreaking poem.
My first impression of this poem is that it cuts so deep. The raw emotion can be seen through it. The imagery is also on point, and it describes these feelings so perfectly.
One of my favorite lines in this poem is this one:
This is so poetic, and paints a picture in your head.
Overall, I wish I didn’t love this poem (because I can’t imagine the feelings that were behind it) but I do. I hope you’re feeling better.
<3, Meenal (theromanticchemist)
accidentally posted as comment
To begin with, this is a deeply emotional poem. I feel like so many people, including me, can relate to this on a level.
My favorite line?
"With my dirty yellow nails.
that would have been true art;
Self-expression hidden beneath skin."
It literally gave me goosebumps, the wording was perfect. My only complaint about this poem is that I wish it was longer!
Well done. You captured the feeling perfectly. The choked feeling in your chest. The feeling as if that person got a snapshot of something deeply personal, as if naked. The way your pain and anger gets yanked away, left with only numbness. Assuming I interpreted this right, I really liked it. Emotions that seem to have no words to capture it described in great symbolism. Loved this. Keep writing.