Hello! You've got a few reviews already, but I really want to review this piece, and it's review month anyway :p
Firstly, I love what you've got going on here. I don't even know what type of writing it'd fall under, but it's an emotional mix of narrative prose and poetic expression that I don't see very often. And you've pulled it really genuinely! I never doubted the authenticity of the emotions you've presented, and that's saying something!
Your only issue is with basic sentence structure, and narrative techniques. You've got the emotions down, but this is a story after all, so it needs to read well. The writing issues are particularly noticeable in the first paragraph, especially those regarding tense. It's important to pay attention to your tense, but you seem to have a habit of mixing things up. It's an easy enough concept to grasp with a little practice, so I'd suggest looking it up!
Additionally, the last line of the first paragraph feels very abrupt. Suddenly talking about the park surprises the reader in a bad way; we didn't know that you played in a park yet! Try to introduce that more subtly, it caught me off guard and I had to re-read it.
Another gripe is that again, this needs to be a story more than just a flow of emotion. There are a lot of missing pieces, especially regarding the girl and the main character. I'd like to know what exactly she does; what exactly she says. Is all this malicious just in the main character's head? Is she trying to do this or is it not on purpose? At least hinting at these could help make the situation feel more real, and make us sympathise with the main character more.
Just to let you know, you should really look into punctuation syntax. It may seem minor, but this messiness makes your writing look amateurish even if your story is good! For example, you don't need to wrap punctuation marks with two spaces. It's an easy problem to fix, so might as well!
That's all I really have to say. The control over emotion you have -- especially in the latter half of the story -- is quite impeccable. Your almost poetic metaphors really do work here, which is surprising to me. I love the way you've brought out a story using almost entirely character-introspection; it's definitely a talent! A little balancing of your story writing techniques are all you need to write something heart-wrenching
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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