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Unfriendly Detours

by anu

After so many hours , when  finally I attained a peaceful slumber ; my eyes were forced to open by the dazzling light and the continuous shrieks of my sister. I always went with her to play in the morning(though she was quite upset over my never-ending sleep and my irritating self after being woken from it). I always enjoyed playing with her and a bunch of other friends. But now, I hated going to the park.

I was growing self-conscious of the fact that all my negativity and vile qualities were exposed there - shouting at other playmates, wrath when someone cheated,and many more , which were otherwise concealed in my deep soul.And still the more aggravating fact that nobody cared about me. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

Or maybe people did care about me before this new girl came. I gave her my beaming smile on the first day and a most friendly handshake, little did I know then what was about to happen. On the very second day , she had accepted my smile and returned it . On the other hand, my offer of friendship was turned down .Sounds uncanny ,doesn't it ?

However , it isn't . I was seen as a black, decayed rose among the many shining , red roses .A coal piece among the gems surrounding me. For I was not to be thought worthy of her friendship , but of her rivalry. She only had one purpose- to defeat me . When she succeeded in that the same smile came to her face, the one which was taken as a friendly gesture by me at first, but which got to my nerves now.

The same, wicked smile doesn't let me sleep now. Her ideas of me will spread so quickly and corrupt my friends' brain , those friends I knew for ages was a fact that was shocking and disturbed my peace. From that day , I knew I didn't  lose any friends, I never had any. And those boys whose attention she seeks and were my so-called brothers had left me too , or rather had diverted their attention from a disguised beauty to a betraying ugliness, which appeared beautiful.

I had tears in my eyes then , for a deep wound had been placed in my heart, and the place there which sheltered them has promised not to shelter anyone now. Don't see me as a heartless creature now for my warmness was turned down by a cold creature . I am unaware of my feelings towards her, yet I consider her the reason ,for the torture I go through everyday, when playing with those 'friends'.

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108 Reviews

Points: 13147
Reviews: 108

Mon Sep 09, 2019 3:10 pm
Asith wrote a review...

Hello! You've got a few reviews already, but I really want to review this piece, and it's review month anyway :p

Firstly, I love what you've got going on here. I don't even know what type of writing it'd fall under, but it's an emotional mix of narrative prose and poetic expression that I don't see very often. And you've pulled it really genuinely! I never doubted the authenticity of the emotions you've presented, and that's saying something!

Your only issue is with basic sentence structure, and narrative techniques. You've got the emotions down, but this is a story after all, so it needs to read well. The writing issues are particularly noticeable in the first paragraph, especially those regarding tense. It's important to pay attention to your tense, but you seem to have a habit of mixing things up. It's an easy enough concept to grasp with a little practice, so I'd suggest looking it up!
Additionally, the last line of the first paragraph feels very abrupt. Suddenly talking about the park surprises the reader in a bad way; we didn't know that you played in a park yet! Try to introduce that more subtly, it caught me off guard and I had to re-read it.

Another gripe is that again, this needs to be a story more than just a flow of emotion. There are a lot of missing pieces, especially regarding the girl and the main character. I'd like to know what exactly she does; what exactly she says. Is all this malicious just in the main character's head? Is she trying to do this or is it not on purpose? At least hinting at these could help make the situation feel more real, and make us sympathise with the main character more.

Just to let you know, you should really look into punctuation syntax. It may seem minor, but this messiness makes your writing look amateurish even if your story is good! For example, you don't need to wrap punctuation marks with two spaces. It's an easy problem to fix, so might as well!

That's all I really have to say. The control over emotion you have -- especially in the latter half of the story -- is quite impeccable. Your almost poetic metaphors really do work here, which is surprising to me. I love the way you've brought out a story using almost entirely character-introspection; it's definitely a talent! A little balancing of your story writing techniques are all you need to write something heart-wrenching :)

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31 Reviews

Points: 117
Reviews: 31

Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:12 pm
MoonlightForest wrote a review...

Hiya, it's MoonlightForest here to review your piece!

First off, your opening sentence did a lot to intrigue me with the poetic way it was written. I really appreciate the delicateness of your prose; it seems you don't need to use a lot of metaphors or flowery language to carry your story.

Some of the ideas that you toy with in this short story aren't fully explored. For instance, this wrath that your character seems to be defined by, what are its origins? Does your character have any reason to be wrathful?

This sentence needs some clarification: "Her ideas of me will spread so quickly and corrupt my friends' brain, those friends I knew for ages was a fact that was shocking and disturbed my peace." What are you trying to say here? Try, "That her ideas of me spread so quickly and corrupted my friends' brains, those friends I knew for ages, was a fact that shocked me to the core." In terms of punctuation, your sentences are often missing those prepositional phrases or conjunctions: that, if, which, because, etc. that are necessary to connect two ideas. I think that's why your beautiful lines sometimes got muddled in my head.

Overall, it's a strong start. You clearly have writing talent, it's just a matter of refining the syntax of your sentences and getting to the heart of what you really want to say. I see a concept that's missing the imagery and metaphors necessary to contextualize it. Keep up with your writing and I hope to see more from you!

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93 Reviews

Points: 1136
Reviews: 93

Sat Jun 29, 2019 4:37 pm
Tawsif wrote a review...

Hi, Anu. It's Tawsif here for a review.

I liked the opening of the story. It's a sort of situation that will definitely engage the readers' attention when they go on to read the story. Well done.

'And still the more aggravating fact that nobody cared about me.'

Here, I think you should've written: 'And still the more aggravating fact was that nobody cared about me.'

The use of metaphors (a black, decayed rose among the many shining , red roses .A coal piece among the gems surrounding me) in the story was great. I liked it very much.

You mentioned the girl had defeated the MC, but how, and when? I think a big story is missing here.

You have a good skill in using rather weighty words and philosophical language in your story, and I appreciate it. I think you need a little more clarity, so that the readers can really get into your story, feel it, relish it, and be moved by it.

Keep writing.

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118 Reviews

Points: 7386
Reviews: 118

Mon Jun 24, 2019 7:43 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...


This is a well-written story. The idea of "the new girl" usually shows the struggle for that new person to fit in (that's usually what I see), but I like how you went a different route by telling a story of how "the new girl" fits in right away and instead pushes out the MC... it's different and still relatable in a way. Overall, this story written in a way that it conveys a lot of emotion, and I especially like the metaphor you used of being a "black, decaying rose among many others shining". That really gives me a good idea of the character and feelings of the MC.

To improve the story, I would agree with the first review with adding in those extra details. I think you can eleborate more on the character of "the new girl" because all we get is that she turns down the MC and then fits in with all these other boys immediately. What makes this new girl so special that everyone likes her so quickly? And why doesn't she want to be friends with the MC? I feel like the story is really short and there is a lot more that can be added to make it an even better read.

Overall, really great story and I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing :)

anu says...

Thanks for the review, Fabiha. I%u2019ll post the second part soon.

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380 Reviews

Points: 17473
Reviews: 380

Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:37 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...

Hello there, Anu.

The title intrigued me and that's how I came to read the story. I must say you have a wonderful way of conveying your story. You had me hooked from the start to the end. I wanted the story to go on forever because the character of the MC and her dislike to the new girl is something everyone must have felt at some point of time in their lives. And in that way, it was relatable.

You had little bit too many commas. And I noticed that all the commas had space between them, eg:

However , it isn't . I was seen as a black, decayed rose among the many shining , red roses

Though, I'm thinking it has to do with the alignment.

With the example of the above mentioned, I also wanted to suggest that maybe you could elaborate on the situation a little bit. I understand it's a first person narrative and that only the MC's views are majorly concentrated on. But instead of just having the MC say "the new girl hates, she wants me to lose, she wants to beat me up in everything and she robbed all my friends", I think having a little bit of dialogue exchange will strength her claims. Like, what did the MC say or did that made the new girl not be her friend. Because they do start with nice friendly smile. How did everything change overnight? Does the MC speculate something?

Also, the story starts with the MC waking up to the shrieks of her sister; we know that the sister were close before the new girl came. But you don't say why the sister was shrieking, you didn't the complete the circle.

Firstly, we hear the shrieks of the sister and the MC goes on to explain how the she and her sister fell apart, okay, got it. But now you should have gone back to the shrieking, don't you think? So right now the story feels incomplete unless there's another part comping up soon, if that's the case then I'm sorry. D:

This feels like a good idea for a story, and I feel like you have only elaborated a little bit. This story has a potential, so spend some time with it. I'm sure it'll be a good ride if you work on it.

Keep writing!


anu says...

Hello Dreamy! Thanks for the review. Hmmm.. now that I have created the suspense of an incomplete story, I think it%u2019ll be better to create a second part. There I%u2019ll also solve the mystery of the shrieks and maybe what changed after the smile. It ws my first story and I%u2019m so glad you took the effort of pointing out mistakes.

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln