Young Writers Society

Hi anti-pop! I shall review this while listening to loud 80's music. Let's see how good of a job I go while head-banging to Guns and Roses, shall we?

The sweet taste of purity turns to ash in my mouth and I choke on the bile of yesterday’s memories.

“I’m going to the store with Mommy. Bye!” Calls my sweet little girl.

Hiya pop! You said to shred this, but nit-picks have been covered by the people before me. An overall shred however....

Characters: It took me a minute to realize just who the narrator was here. You were saved by the first person in the second paragraph. That's the only way I could tell who it was or what his relationship was.

As for his actual character, he was okay.

Emotion: Since this is mostly emotion, I'll make that theme it's own section. In reality, I was very confused come,

A sudden force crushes itself deeply into my chest.

I would, at the least, replace "into" (which implies it's an outside force crushing his chest) with "inside" (which implies it's more his heart that's hurting) to make this clearer.

Another thing about the emotion that confused me were the switches between grief and joy. Heh, I didn't even get what was going on until I read Viper's post that that's what you doing.

To clear that up, you'll have to italicize each paragraph individually. When I read this again while replying all of the joy sequences are in italics, while that doesn't show up on the actual post.

Ohh, and the rhyme at the beginning made me laugh. Don't know why, but it did. Just thought I'd point that out. (That point though probably is just me, though.)

Description: It's minimal, which works but at the same time doesn't. Your story, like I said before, is mostly about emotion, therefore you don't have much room for description. At the same time, you're missing some causes for your effects. Namely, here:

I remain in this state for a moment, but then I smell the familiar scent of lilies.

Standing on tip-toe, she pulls away, beaming up at me.

Thank you all for the helpful comments! I really appreciate them!


~anti-pop

Ello.

I agree with heffa, this is quite captivating.

The whole slumberland idea still lacks a bit of sense, but I suppose that depends on who's reading it.

Switching between love and grief as you switched between tenses worked quite nicely, and you pulled it really well.

'But I know it’s really the emotional pain that’s ripping at my soul' - seems slightly emoish. You've used a lot of physical description, so refering to the soul suddenly seems a bit out of place.

Overall, nice work

Ah, now I get it!

Hey there This was great! I found your story really touching and I loved the ending- to be honest I can find not alot at all that could be improved. I've only found a couple of things (and thats if I look really hard and am very picky!)

She tilts her head and her eyes focus onto the wall behind me. I lift my eyebrow, and as I’m about to question her, she jerks her head in my direction and puts her small hands on her hips.

“I’m going to the store with Mommy! Bye,”

There was an accident. That’s what they tell me?

Everything about her is more beautiful and perfect than I remember

Ok, so I was just scrolling down the front page of YWS and your story totally captivated me. I couldn't take my eyes of it until the end. And as WaterVyper pointed out, the mood is totally balanced. You really feel for both of them! And Lacey seems so sweet.

I love it.

Love, Liz <3

This was such a sweet story, anti-pop! I love the voice you used for this. It instantly made me want to huggle Lacey. Your voice was so strong, yet light at the same time. The teensy bit of darkness here was completely balanced out by your tone, and the way the story went. I was enamored with it starting from the title. Lacey and the narrator are just so likeable. Well, onto the critique. You honestly haven't left me much to critique.

I remain in this state for a moment, but then I smell the familiar scent of lilies.

Every ounce of my grief has been forced from my body.

Life is but a dream.