Published February 15, 2009
[not here anymore!]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Hi anti-pop! I shall review this while listening to loud 80's music. Let's see how good of a job I go while head-banging to Guns and Roses, shall we?
The repetition of yesterday doesn't work in that paragraph. It would have the desired effect if it were simply "my memories".
Calls should not be capitalized.
Gasp! That's it? You must be an immaculate writer.
I liked the use of that ald children's song. It seemed so innocent, out of place when used in such serious subject matter. But in a good way, if that makes sense.
Gold star for you!
Hiya pop! You said to shred this, but nit-picks have been covered by the people before me. An overall shred however....
Characters: It took me a minute to realize just who the narrator was here. You were saved by the first person in the second paragraph. That's the only way I could tell who it was or what his relationship was.
As for his actual character, he was okay.
Emotion: Since this is mostly emotion, I'll make that theme it's own section. In reality, I was very confused come,
I would, at the least, replace "into" (which implies it's an outside force crushing his chest) with "inside" (which implies it's more his heart that's hurting) to make this clearer.
Another thing about the emotion that confused me were the switches between grief and joy. Heh, I didn't even get what was going on until I read Viper's post that that's what you doing.
To clear that up, you'll have to italicize each paragraph individually. When I read this again while replying all of the joy sequences are in italics, while that doesn't show up on the actual post.
Ohh, and the rhyme at the beginning made me laugh. Don't know why, but it did. Just thought I'd point that out. (That point though probably is just me, though.)
Description: It's minimal, which works but at the same time doesn't. Your story, like I said before, is mostly about emotion, therefore you don't have much room for description. At the same time, you're missing some causes for your effects. Namely, here:
I'm thinking it's the sheets that smell like that, but you don't say. Is it ephemeral (not there) from his dream? The sheets? A reaction triggered from trying to push away the memories? Tell us!
The Closing: So very sweet here. One major thing bugs me, however:
This line made me think she was about 5'2", when she seems to be about four. Maybe add how he stooped down, or, maybe, how she's grown up?
Also, the time issue. How long has it been since they've died? The whole piece seems to take place only about a day after the accident, but the end implies that they've been dead longer. Maybe a year, or even longer than that.
A final thing *sorry!*- Did he commit suicide to see all that white? Or did he just die of a broken heart? It just seems a little.... strange how seeing all white would happen; you haven't made that very clear.
Overall: I did like this, despite my comments above, but some issues pulled me out. I've mentioned the ones that do bug me, but my comments are only a suggestion. My main one is to make how he managed to see his daughter again clearer. Most sweetness is lost for me without that answer.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~Rosey
Thank you all for the helpful comments! I really appreciate them!
~anti-pop
Ello.
I agree with heffa, this is quite captivating.
The whole slumberland idea still lacks a bit of sense, but I suppose that depends on who's reading it.
Switching between love and grief as you switched between tenses worked quite nicely, and you pulled it really well.
'But I know it’s really the emotional pain that’s ripping at my soul' - seems slightly emoish. You've used a lot of physical description, so refering to the soul suddenly seems a bit out of place.
Overall, nice work
Ah, now I get it!
Hey there
This was great! I found your story really touching and I loved the ending- to be honest I can find not alot at all that could be improved. I've only found a couple of things (and thats if I look really hard and am very picky!)
Instead of lift my eyebrow I'd change it to something like 'I raise one eyebrow'.
'She jerks her head in my direction' didn't sound right to me, for a moment I thought she was indicating at something with her head. Perhaps something like 'she turns her attention to me' or 'she jerks her head back to face me' could be better replacements.
I'd change the exclamation mark to the end of bye and the comma to the end of mommy- thats just my preference though so ignore me if you want
I can see why you put a question mark on the end here but I'm not sure if it works- I think if you replaced it with a fullstop it might be more effective.
I'd add an even before more to make it sound like he always thoguht she was really beautiful and perfect.
I loved your story!! It was so sweet and brilliantly written, all the comments I have made are tiny things that are just my thoughts- I think its perfect without any corrections!
Ok, so I was just scrolling down the front page of YWS and your story totally captivated me. I couldn't take my eyes of it until the end. And as WaterVyper pointed out, the mood is totally balanced. You really feel for both of them! And Lacey seems so sweet.
I love it.
Love, Liz <3
This was such a sweet story, anti-pop! I love the voice you used for this. It instantly made me want to huggle Lacey. Your voice was so strong, yet light at the same time. The teensy bit of darkness here was completely balanced out by your tone, and the way the story went. I was enamored with it starting from the title. Lacey and the narrator are just so likeable. Well, onto the critique. You honestly haven't left me much to critique.
I don't really like the repetition of 'state'. If possible, I think you should replace it with another word. The repetition kind of threw me off track for a while.
I think you should remove the first my. The sentence will do just fine without it, and I think it'll be better off that way.
I think you missed the formatting on this one. It was supposed to be italicized, wasn't it?
Well, this was a great sotry. It kept me captivated till the end, and the characterization was perfectly executed, in my book. Well, good luck with future works, anti-pop. This was just exquisite.