Published December 12, 2008
Gone! Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed.
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hi Sarah!
Thanks so much for going over this. I'll edit it as soon as I get some free time today.
I'm really loving all of these in-depth reviews. It's giving me a lot to work with and I am so grateful for all of your help.
p.s. Over here in the States we do spell it 'check', but you're right too!
Hey there, anti-pop!
Here as requested. By the way, nix means get rid of. You probably know that, it's just I keep getting asked it, so thought I might clarify that before we begin.
'Passerby' should be 'passersby' with an 's'.
I've redone the punctuation in this sentence for you as it's a bit clunky:
He was so consistent with this ritual that the waiters in the diner went ahead; prepared his meal and wrote up his cheque before he even walked in.
Cheque is spelt 'que' at the end, I believe.
Hmm. Bit clunky. Cut the 'coming into' and just have it as, 'This was also a way for them to avoid direct contact with him.
'and browsing through the morning paper' would sound better.
.
To give this sentence more effect, replace the semi-colon with a comma.
'become' instead of 'gotten.' I hate it when people use 'gotten' in a story.
Nix the 'that'.
Comma after morning.
Anyway without an 's'. Anyways is colloquial.
Replace 'this place' with 'here', it flows better. And I think you need to replace 'grunt'. Grunt isn't poignant or sad enough.
Too colloquial; makes it sound like a diary entry as you're suddenly addressing the reader. Definitely nix it.
Anymore without a space in between.
Why should he care?
In italics because it's thoughts. I know it's not first person, but you've got into his mind, so italicise it.
'Work' without an 's'.
Insert 'from' after 'squeak.'
Replace 'be face-to-face' with 'face.' And nix 'with.'
This sounds like his head was full of flushed pink cheeks. Rethink. If you read it aloud, you'll get what I mean.
Replace 'could've' with 'could have.' And I'm not sure that is the ensemble of a typical five-year-old. Just nix that part.
The 'you' makes it seem like you're suddenly addresing the reader - bad. Nix it.
Replace 'about' with 'of'.
Nix this. As it's too colloquial and the next sentence is self-explanatory of this one.
Again, you're addressing the reader when you shouldn't be. Either nix it or italicise it.
You need to insert 'and' before 'raised.'
Redundant. Nix/italicise.
Nix.
Knowingness = knowledge. or wisdom. Replace with either of those. Knowingness doesn't do it for me.
You have to italicise all of this, because it's a chain of thoughts.
'Ok' needs to be in full Caps.
Looked = seemed. Replace the dash with a semi-colon.
Capitalise 'This'.
Instead of saying she looks like a 50's church-goer, show us what a 50's church goer actually looks like.
repetition of 'time' makes this clunky. Mabye, 'And for the first time in so long', or something like that.
Italicise.
Rephrase the 2nd part, so it reads, 'but his voice trailed off slightly.'
Nix 'vaguely'. Too many adverbs.
Overall Impressions
I really like this idea. It's unique and refreshing. Most of this flows well and you have some good descriptions. The characterisation is progressing well, and I like the details of the people in the park. If you keep this up, it could be very, very good. Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.
Remember to make your characters seem real. Nobody is perfect, including those overused "perfect" characters. If you want to capture some gritty, realistic characters, ride the bus. Not the subway. Ride the MTA buses, and go downtown. Look carefully at everyone, you might find some people whose faces alone leak of an interesting character. Typically these people are different from the people one sees everyday at school or work. Don't let them see you staring. Don't jot anything down, just let it settle in. Pay particular attention to abnormalities. Try to sit behind or somewhere near (not next to) that person, and try to overhear anything they say. Pay attention to their facial expressions, and see what they pay the most attention to. Don't get caught. What to do once you know you've got someone interesting? Try blending in the personality of someone you understand very well (such as yourself) into the shell you have created through your observation.
However, the downer is that as Squall said, you need to show, and not tell. You spent ages describing his routine, who he is, what he does, what he's like, when really you should be showing the reader this as we go along so we feel at a similar wavelength to you. Ways you can do this:
1. Use dialogue
This is probably one of the first things my teacher tells the class when he has us write personal essays. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Instead of telling the reader your mom was angry, they can hear it for themselves:
“Justin Michael,” mom bellowed, “Get in here this instant!”
Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood.
2. Use sensory language
In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.
3. Be descriptive
I’m sure everyone remembers learning to use adjectives and adverbs in elementary school. When we’re told to be more descriptive, it’s easy to go back to those things that we were taught. But being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.
The following example is from a short story I wrote.
Telling: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.
There’s nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information, but it doesn’t create an image. Compare that sentence with this:
Showing: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.
The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.
When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:
He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.
Be specific, not vague.
Instead of writing, for example, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.
Anyway, good luck!
-Sarah
Hi, Squall
I see exactly what you mean about this 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Once I have some free time, I will most likely rewrite this with your critique in mind.
I think what I have trouble in most is that I forget that I'm sharing this story with others, and it's not just for myself. I'll just write what comes to head and not realize other people probably won't have a clue what I mean xD
Thanks again,
*anti-pop
Hey there anti-pop. Nice avatar.
I assume that he's well known and friends with some of the staff at that restaurant? Let's face it, if he isn't well known, then they wouldn't had provide such an exclusive service. So you need to prove to us that it's the case. Show some of the interactions between Kevin and the staff at the restaurant, make this convincing.
How so? In what sense?
Quite a sweeping statement to make. You sure all five year old boys are like this?
Hrmm. I think this is open for interpretation really, though I think it's a bit extreme for him to be thinking that the kid's weird because of that.
Overall impressions:
I think the biggest problem with the piece is actually how it's executed. The piece seems to be divided into two halves instead of being one unified piece. The first half the piece reads like an info dump of Kevin's life while the second half is actually when the story begins.
For the first half, there doesn't seem to be any attempt at justifying as to why Kevin is lacking social piece. All it really consisted of is just a quick run through of various aspects of his life and what he does, but there wasn't really an attempt made in proving to the audience that he has social issues. There is little evidence or examples to back that part of his character up. Show, don't tell.
In fact, you didn't even need the first half of this piece at all in this piece since very little of what was told about Kevin was implemented in the second part (eg: Why do we need to know what books he reads or what he eats during the morning to help us understand that he thinks the boy's weird)? It doesn't help explain as to why Kevin thinks the way he does about the kid or that he lacked social grace. Was it because he was bullied in the past? Was it because he's shy and self centered? Show it, justify the way he thinks. With that said, the second half was pretty dragged out too. You've basically used several different ways as to how the kid could annoy Kevin. Not particularly insightful.
I think you have a good idea, but it's very shallow at the moment and "tells" rather than "shows". Grammatically and structurally however, you excel in those areas and your word choice is pretty good as well. Good work there.
I hope this critique has helped. Good luck.
Andy.
Hi, Kyte! *shakes hand*
Thanks for pointing out the names! I honestly didn't notice that! Those are just the names that came to me xD
For now though, they will probably be kept the same, because at this point I don't know if I can continue this or not. I have no idea where to go from here!
*anti-pop
I think everyone else got most of the mistakes. There's just one thing I'd like to point out.
The names "Evan" and "Kevin" sound almost alike, so it might cause confusion later on. I'm assuming there is a "later on," right?
Hi mnesomeye!
Hurray for you!! *gives mnesomeye a cookie*
You figured it out
It wasn't originally supposed to be her, but I figured that if people read 'My Dear Madelyn' they could probably guess my lame hints.
Did you guess who it was at the end...? xD
This one I was pretty vague about, though.
This was supposed to be a piece on its own, but I liked writing it so I'll probably write more.
*anti-pop
Hiya antipop!
Why do you have to read 'My Dearest Madylene' first? This story doesn't appear to be related... unless they come together towards the end, or something? Or - gasp - is Evan's mother Maddy?
Questions upon questions. What am I like, eh?
This was really well written, and I think the other guys have pulled it apart enough... they've already said everything I wanted to say (the "rain, snow, hail sleet" thing, and of course when Evan says "ugly"). Is this going to just be a one-off story, or will there be other chapters? It just seems a shame to leave it like this, is all. It's brilliant, and you're sort of left wanting more at the end. *laughs*
Anyway, I have nothing useful to say, so I'll stop blathering on now.
Ja-!
Hi, June!
First off: I didn't steal your story, I promise! But now that you mention it I'm really anxious to read it!
I'm glad you liked it (I've fixed some of the nonsense)
And don't worry, I know you're kidding. I don't take friendly jabs to heart
And as for this:
LOL I have no earthly idea how that happened! xD
I've been staying up a bit too late, I think. *yawns*
Thanks again for the help!
*anti-pop
Wow! Anti! First, off I didn't know you could write!
Jokes! No, I am really kidding, but I wasn't expecting anything like this at all. It reminds me of a story I wrote a few months ago about a man who visits a park everyday and has basically no life until he meets a little girl who recently lost her grandfather. He's old, of course, so he unknowingly becomes her grandfather in her little mind. He's a grouchy one, too, haha. I like this a lot! And the only nit picks I had were at the beginning. I can't wait until you post the next part! Good luck-- this is awesome!
June
Hey, Ducati!
Thanks a LOT for pointing those things out....can't believe I missed that first one (haha, eating a paper)
I really appreciate it!
As for the debate over what the child should say, I find it funny that you think he should've said 'yucky', because that's what I originally had him say.
But like you said, 'ugly' seemed to tie better with 'pretty'.
See, if I had used the word 'yucky', then he would've ended up saying something like: "That's a tasty name!" and we don't want that now, do we?
lol just kidding.
Thanks again!
*anti-pop
I liked it. The kid was cute! Just a few little things.
He began his mornings the same way every day; come rain, snow, sleet, or hail.
You already said every day in the previous snetence, it doesn't flow well here. Perhaps began all his mornings the same way or began every morning the same way.
After eating and browsing the morning paper
Sounds like eating the morning paper. I don't know how to fix this exactly.
That was not a road he wanted to go down.
Sounds a bit weird and reduntant. show not tell.
"Evan. It’s an ugly name." this sounds weird for a kid of his age. Maybe yucky name? I know it doesn't fit as well with pretty but yeah.
and the two automatically stopped and reached their arms over to prevent anything from being dropped.
Make this clearer. I have no idea what they are doing, or how it looks.
Overall, good job at keeping a mystery going and showing the charater through their actions and interactions. This is the kind of stuff I like to read!