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Very good! I like the language you use, it's informal but not slang or anything.

Thanks Bill, for helping to get rid of the evidence.

The next thing I knew, ‘Wonder Bat’ was tackling mail boxes and they somehow ended up in my car.

Hey!

This is kind of really short ... not much to review. Grammar is quite good; I only noticed a few things:

Believe it or not they still have meetings at that summer camp, and they keep trying to kill that tree.

I really don’t know how we ended up there; but we did.

Hello!

OK, first thing's first, is the whole story going to be written in letter form? If it is I would suggest reading 'We Need To Talk About Kevin' which is also written in letter form.

If not is this the opening of the story? Or is this just a short piece? I think that if you are continuing this it seems fitting if it was an opening or maybe a prologue (And if it is a short piece I really think you could continue and build up on this as it has the potential to go far).

This as a piece on it's own does work well, you have enough information for the reader to understand what has happened and definatly has a funny side to it. I don't think you can have much character development here as it is a letter, and although we find out about the characters past we don't really know them if you know what I mean. In some short stories it can really distract away from the writing because it is so frustrating that the characters have no 'life' to them, but I think you pulled it off well, and it does not distract away from the writing at all.

There was one sentence that stuck out to me:

and he raises all kinds of sugarcane

The sugarcane bit...I didn't quite get it, but I might just be being dim at the moment.


Other than that I really enjoyed reading this and I think that you should develop this further, it would make a good story, like you could use the letter form to flash back to when they were kids at the camp then write it from when they were kdis at the camp, asnd use a letter to join the chapters together or something.

Either way, keep writing! This was goopd, well done!

Meevs
x

anti-pop wrote:(Hey there! I'm June and I'm going to be your critiquer today. When posting something for some one else to review, it's slightly better to leave off adding your notes, especially at the beginning. It spoils it for the reader a bit, you know? )

First off, let me go ahead and point out a few things in this piece before everyone else does:
1. It's fiction, and yes, meant to be funny. (We love fiction!)
2. It is slightly confusing. I know I'm going to be hassled a lot by that, but here's my reason why: I wanted to write this and make it actually seem like a letter from one old friend to another. If you think about it, in reality, people don't explain all the little details like they do in books and movies.
That's what made this so challenging for me (not explaining everything), but reading it, it feels more real to me. Like, friends with inside jokes that no one else would get anyways, you know?

Sorry for that long author's note...I know I shouldn't have to explain my work, but it felt necessary. So please enjoy the reminiscence from one old summer camp buddy to another.



Bill, (Try to only italicize the first word of an opening in a letter; especially if the entire peice is a letter!)

Let’s see where to start.
First off— you’re really in trouble because you’re an old slacker that has missed quite a few meetings over the last couple of years. Believe it or not they still have meetings at that summer camp, and they keep trying to kill that tree.

Mandy wanted me to come up with a story to share for your birthday. It has really been hard because most of the stories that we had, most of our brain cells died with it. One of the stories that did come to my mind was the night we had a party at Bobby “Moose” Brown’s house.

I really don’t know how we ended up there; but we did. I know it was a big blur coming home and either you or your brother Cal was driving my car back to the Camp. For some reason, ‘Wonder Bat’ came back in my head. The next thing I knew, ‘Wonder Bat’ was tackling mail boxes and they somehow ended up in my car.

Anyway, the next morning Kevin “Cane” Rogers gets off work, and he raises all kinds of sugarcane. He is freaking out because my car is parked right in front of our tent. Being the good police officer that he is, he looks in the car and discovers approximately 30 to 40 mailboxes in the back seat. He is screaming and hollering for us to get rid of them and to get my car back to the parking lot.

Thanks Bill, for helping to get rid of the evidence.

I am happy to say this is how I got my Honorary Camp Title: 'Aiisht Ahollo Akkabata Aiena Aialhto Holisso Alokoli' (Wonderbat with Mailbox Collection). I am so glad that you were there with me.
Fast forward a few years, I am talking to Perry Richards, and his dad bought that old camp. He was telling me how they drained the lake in order to make it bigger. I asked him if they found any cool stuff in the lake.

He said that for some weird reason, they found a pile of mailboxes off the pier.

Happy Birthday,
Tom Reiner

(There isn't much to change; it was written well grammar wise and such. I never try to change dialogue or letters spoken by a character because it will more than likely end up ruining the piece. It wasn't too confusing, but it was a bit vague. It's really good though; I like it. Keep writing!

June)