Winterborn - Part 1 [Revised]

The sun towered in an empty and bleak winter sky. However, this was not appreciated in the least, for it emitted little heat. Amara Snow was well-aware of this, and had begun to grow irritated. She always felt uncomfortable in chill weather. Feeling helpless and submissive to something as simple as a change in temperature bothered her.

Snow was walking home from school with her friend Adrian, neither saying much. It had been a long week, and both she and Adrian were tired. She wrapped her scarf around her neck once more, muttering curses aimed at the sun for its lack of warmth. Rubbing her gloved hands together, Snow tried to strike up a conversation.

“That substitute in History was boring as hell.”

Adrian sighed, his breath appearing as a mist. “Amara, don’t curse. It’s not healthy for your brain, you know.”

“Humph. Well then…what do you suggest we talk about? I’m bored.” She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and kept her eyes on the sidewalk in front of her.

He tapped a finger on his chin in mock thought. “We could discuss the meaning of life. You know— why we’re here, what our place is on this earth. Whether or not evolution is true...”

“As interesting as that sounds, I’m going to have to say no.”

He merely nodded.

Snow was used to Adrian’s indifference. His ability to sound like a know-it-all at times was intimidating—and rather unnerving—at first, but Amara Snow soon found that it was oddly reassuring. However, he often said very little. If he did happen to say something, people could rarely understand him.

But Snow liked him anyways.

After a while, they approached the pristine city park. Red and yellow-leaved trees were lined up perfectly, and the grass was as green as it had been in August. The two began down the walkway taking brisk steps in an attempt to stay warm in the chill weather. Adrian stopped abruptly and shrugged off his backpack. As he was shuffling through its contents, Snow stood and waited.

It was Friday, and therefore he would be getting out his infamous book of classic English literature. Normally he would turn towards the back of the book where the Shakespearean works could be found, but today Snow could see him turning to the Edgar Allen Poe section.

The two began walking through the park to their self-appointed spot; an old bench beneath the largest and oldest oak in the park. Adrian flipped through the pages trying to find the desired piece while still keeping pace with Snow.

“And what do I have the pleasure of listening to today?”

The two sat down and placed their backpacks beside the bench. Adrian held up the book. At the top of the page in bold script read, ‘The Cask of Amontillado’. Snow’s favorite.

She grinned. “Alright!”

Adrian returned her enthusiasm with a smile and began to read.

‘The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could…’

Snow leaned back against the bench and looked up into the old tree. Through the leaves were patches of clear, open sky. She closed her eyes and listened to Adrian’s dulcet tones.

When he was finished, Snow simply said, “More.”

He obediently continued. The whole time Adrian was reading, Snow continued to relax and let the lovely words engulf her. Her serenity only lasted a few minutes.

“Yo, lovebirds! Move over, will ya?” called an all-too-familiar voice.

Opening her eyes, Snow turned to see Kelsi Cooper leaning against the bench, wearing her usual awkward grin.

Snow shook her head and crossed her legs. “I’m quite comfortable here, actually.”

Adrian had stopped reading and looked up. “Good afternoon, Kelsi.”

Cooper nodded in reply. She reached in her pocket and adjusted the volume on her mp3 player. “I’ve written a new piece,” she practically yelled over the noise leaking from her headphones. “Probably my best yet. Listen.” She closed her eyes and nodded her head in time with the music.

Cooper was a musical prodigy who never removed her headphones for fear that the music would leave her mind. You name it, Cooper had heard it, played it, and played it better than the composer.

Snow smiled. “That’s really pretty. Did you have Falcón play bass for you?”

“Nah, I did that myself. I let him do the opening.”

“The violin?” asked Snow, disbelief in her voice.

Cooper giggled. “Yup!”

Snow lifted her eyebrows. “He’s gotten good. I can’t even tell it’s only been a week! You’re a great teacher, Coop.”

A slight blush crept across Cooper’s cheeks. Pulling on one of her short blond pigtails, she replied, “Well, it’s not really all that hard. Falcón is almost as good as me, ya know.” She winked.

“Jesus has already been studying the violin for one week?” Adrian asked, putting his book down.

Cooper rolled her eyes. “Will you stop doing that, Ziggy? You know we’re only supposed to use our last names.” She folded her arms across her chest and tilted her head. “Really, do you think you’re better than the rest of us? You’re not the only smart one here, ya know.”

Adrian sighed and placed his book back into his backpack. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, Kelsi, but please do not refer to me in such a manner again.”

His tone was civil and Snow knew he would leave. As if on cue, he stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulder. Turning, he gave a small wave good-bye to Snow. He had already begun to walk off when he stopped and shook his head.

Looking over his shoulder, he laughed, “Please, dear Kelsi—just call me Siegfried.”

Comments & reviews · 8
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Master_Yoda
Review

Hi anti-pop

This is a really great piece. I really like the way that you've captured your characters. Even from this short piece, I already feel like I know them. You've also really edited this well, so I didn't see much wrong when it comes to grammar.

his breath appearing as a mist

This doesn't sound quite natural to me. Perhaps, "Adrian's cheeks were tinged with scarlet. He breathed out a cold mist."

His ability to sound like a know-it-all at times was intimidating—and rather unnerving—at first

Perhaps "somewhat unnerving, rather than "rather unnerving".

But Snow liked him anyways

But Snow liked him "anyway".

It was Friday, and therefore he would be getting out his infamous book of classic English literature. Normally he would turn towards the back of the book where the Shakespearean works could be found, but today Snow could see him turning to the Edgar Allen Poe section.

Maybe I've missed something, but did this scene really need to take place in the middle of nowhere? Why couldn't he just wait until they got to the bench? Also, I don't really like the first sentence of the paragraph. Maybe you want to change it to something like, "He pulled out his infamous book of classic English literature. Fridays were always the same."

“Alright!”
I don't know whether this line of dialogue would be used where you come from... Well they definitely don't use it in my closet. Or anywhere else in South Africa for that matter.

Looking over his shoulder, he laughed, “Please, dear Kelsi—just call me Siegfried.”

Perhaps, "Please, dear Kelsi," he said, looking over his shoulder, "just call me Siegfried."

So, criticism: Firstly, I didn't find this piece to really have much of a goal other than to introduce me to characters. I didn't see even the slightest bit of plot emerge out of the chapter. This makes the whole story a little "all over the place". The good news is that this is about all of the negative criticism that I have.

This is a really nice piece. I hope the review helped.
Have a good one!
;)

User avatar
Mira
Review
Mira wrote a review · Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:10 am

Hi, anti-pop!!!

I have to say this was a really enjoyable story. :) I can't seem to find anything wrong with it, but I have to agree with Haruno Sakura when she said we need to see a bit more of how it is fantasy.

Other than that... Good job!

Saph

User avatar
Monday Review
Monday wrote a review · Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:01 am

I really, reallly enjoyed this! And I agree with Stori, Kelsi does sound like a bully at first but then I kept reading and it was all good! :)

You described your characters so well and I love their personalities, brilliant!

Keep up the good work and please write more to this! :)

-Monday

User avatar
Threnody
Review

Hello. I got here a bit late so it seems as if everyone's got all the problems. I think that this was a really nice beginning. You gave everyone a very distinct personality and you started the story quite beautifully. I agree with Haruno. The last name thing is quite confusing. Other than that, wonderful start. I can't wait to read more!

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Heeelllllllllllooo, Anti-pop!

Here as requested!

The sun towered in an empty and bleak winter sky. However, this was not appreciated in the least, for it omitted little heat.


I really like the description of the sun, but this feels choppy. I think it would be better as one sentence:

First: A technical nit-pick:

omit means to ostracize or leave out.

The word you want here is emit.


The sun towered in an empty and bleak winter sky, although it emitted little heat.

Snow was walking home from school with her friend Adrian, neither saying much. It had been a long week, and both she and Adrian were tired. She wrapped her scarf around her neck once more, muttering curses aimed at the sun for its lack of warmth. Rubbing her gloved hands together, Snow tried to strike up a conversation.

“That substitute in History was boring as hell.”

Adrian sighed, his breath appearing as a mist. “Amara, don’t curse. It’s not healthy for your brain, you know.”


I noticed this several times in your story:

Why is Amara referred to by her last name while everyone else is referred to by their first?

Adrian sighed, his breath appearing as a mist. “Amara, don’t curse. It’s not healthy for your brain, you know.”

“Humph. Well then…what do you suggest we talk about? I’m bored.” She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and kept her eyes on the sidewalk in front of her.

He tapped a finger on his chin in mock thought. “We could discuss the meaning of life. You know— why we’re here, what our place is on this earth. Whether or not evolution is true...”


This passage makes me dislike the character of Adrian. Have you ever really heard anyone talk like him? His dialogue almost makes him sound like a parody of a philosopher.

Ooh, sorry, that was harsh, but I didn't know how else to say it.

“And what do I have the pleasure of listening to today?”



I really can't imagine kids reading to each other like this.

except when bathing


I personally feel like this line takes up space. It's not really informing the reader- I assume she has to take them off some time. ^_^

Cooper rolled her eyes. “Will you stop doing that, Ziggy? You know we’re only supposed to use our last names.” She folded her arms across her chest and tilted her head. “Really, do you think you’re better than the rest of us? You’re not the only smart one here, ya know.”


Oh, sorry. The last name thing was explained.

This was good, I enjoyed it.

Your only problems:

-Show us a bit more how this is fantasy.
-There isn't really a plot yet.
-Adrian is exaggerated far too much.

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Back for more!

Hmm, no real nit-picks in the revised version.

General comments:

Full names- It's really throwing me to have full names, last names and nicknames mixed in everywhere without any real link to them. The way you keep flipping between Snow's full name and her usual name is mostly what I don't like. And the references to all of Adrian's names. The names for him seem to come out of nowhere.

Relationship- You could still go a little deeper into the relationship, but methinks that would need a bit more then a revision. Just keep that in mind while doing any rewrites/future chapters.

Description- I really liked the way you described things in here, with the opening paragraphs being some of the best. Whenever you had just a paragraph for description (or even Adrian's first tag) you really do a good job.

Unusuallity- Much better. It's still minimal, but there is now enough of a hint that we get a clue it's fantasy.

Overall- This was better then the original, for sure. You could still stand to go into a little more depth, but for now it's good. As I said just keep that in mind for future chapters.

~Rosey

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hiya pop! Just noticed this in Fantasy!

Nit picks:


Adrian held up the book. The Cask of Amontillado.


If it wasn't for the fact that this book seems to be a collection I wouldn't point this out. Perhaps Adrian shows her the page?

She never removed her headphones, except when bathing, for fear that the music would leave her mind.


You change viewpoints here, from Snow's to Cooper's.

A total side-note: Cooper is the last name of some characters in Pierce's Tortal universe. Just to let you know.


“Nah, I did that myself. I let him do the opening.”

“The violin?”

“Yup.”


A case of talking heads here. I can stand one, maybe two lines of dialogue without tags, but three starts to get confusing. It starts to pull readers out of the story because they have to keep track of who's talking.

“But if you must, it’s 'Siegfried', Kelsi Cooper.”


I have no idea who says this line. If it's Adrian, then you have changed viewpoints, unless Snow heard him.

Tags- Something that can get to me is when the tags are on the line above the dialogue. It can make things rather confusing, mostly when you have more then two people.

Hook- As a hook, their isn't really anything here. The only thing to speak of it the grass still being green and the final line of dialogue (and that last line really feels like an inside joke. I don't get it). Everything else seems... normal. In a fantasy, or any work of fiction, normal is not good. The only thing that's really keeping me interested is the title.

Characters- I'm wondering the same thing as Stori. The relationship is rather unclear. Adrian seems to hate Cooper, while Snow seems indifferent. Put more tags and character movements to clear that up.

Overall- So, the last line is really what's having me look forward to chapter 2. Their isn't a huge emphesis on what is unusual. I know enough quiet guys to not see anything odd in Adrian's behaviour, when it seems that's supposed to be one of the elements?

I am curious, however. Let me know when the next part is up!

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

User avatar
Stori
Review
Stori wrote a review · Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:50 pm

Snow was walking with Adrian, neither of them speaking.


This is a big mistake! Don't open a piece with a "telling" sentence. Instead, describe the friends and their environment.

As interesting as that sounds, I'm going to have to say no.


That was brilliant.

Overall: This introduces the characters well. The only thing is that at first Kelsi seems like a bully, but she ends up talking to the others.



So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl