Young Jack Mattherson slammed the door behind him. He couldn’t believe what his mother had just done.
Grounded for a whole week? What was the big deal?
All he had done was break the front window. Nothing a couple hundred bucks would fix. Honestly, there was no reason for her to just explode like that. Jack had been playing baseball with his friends in the street; it’s not like he broke the window on purpose.
He flopped onto his bed, sighing heavily. His wrinkled sheets smelled funny, and he couldn’t remember the last time he washed them. Wrinkling his nose, Jack slid off the unmade bed. For a moment, he considered removing the sheets and putting them in the washing machine, but he quickly decided that was too much work. Instead he laid face-up on the carpet, tossing his baseball into the air.
‘God. Mom’s so stupid. I didn’t even do anything.’
He caught the ball and threw it upwards.
‘And no baseball for a week? This sucks. A normal mom wouldn’t ground me. Who cares if the window is broken, anyways? This house was already crappy.’
Catching the baseball again, he grunted. He felt no remorse for what he had done. All he felt was anger towards his mother; it was her fault for getting so upset with him. Of course, it’s not like it was the first window Jack had ever broken, but this time should’ve been an exception. This time Jack didn’t do it on purpose; that had to count for something, right?
While in mid-toss, a knock sounded on his bedroom door. Caught off-guard, the ball came down on Jack’s stomach. He inhaled sharply and muttered a curse. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and called out, “Yeah? What is it?”
A small, muffled voice answered, “Can I come in?”
“Stupid kid…” Jack muttered. “No.”
“Please, Jackie?”
“No, ya brat.”
The door opened and Jack’s younger brother, Thomas, cautiously stepped in the room. He clutched a
square cardboard box.
“Do you wanna play checkers?”
Jack rolled his eyes. “No. Get out.”
Thomas squeezed the game tighter. “But I want to play with you, Jackie!”
“Too bad.” Laying back down on the carpet, he continued to throw his baseball up into the air. “Now get out.”
“But Jackie—”
Jack shot up and threw the ball at his brother.
“I said get out!” he yelled.
Thomas dropped the box, and checkers scattered all across the floor. He screamed as tears sprung from his eyes and bolted out of the room.
Jack smirked. “Told ya, punk. God, you’re like a six-year-old nightmare.”
He could hear Thomas crying for their mother for down the hall.
“Jack! Get in the kitchen, now!”
Sneering, Jack yelled back, “No, I don’t think I will.”
His mother’s thunderous footsteps soon followed. Jack continued to lie and toss the baseball, just waiting for a long, loud lecture. He didn’t look up to see his mother standing in the doorway, but he could hear her grinding her teeth.
“Jackson. Gregory. Mattherson. You—”
Jack sat up. “Mom. Get out of my room. I’ve got stuff to do.”
His mother stood there, shaking. Her lower lip trembled, and her eyes filled with tears. “Jack—”
“You already grounded me, remember? Now leave.”
Mrs. Mattherson clutched her fists but remained silent. After a moment of complete silence, she burst into tears.
"Why don't you ever treat me like your mother, Jack? Why don't you love me?" She turned, slammed the door shut, and left the room.
Jack smirked. His mom was so easy to order around. Tossing his baseball in the air once more, he started humming; a loud, angry buzz that issued from the back of his throat. He looked up at the ball held in his hands. Turning it over a few times, he examined the new scratches it had received from smashing through the window. Grunting in disapproval, he sat up, still looking over the ball with a careful eye.
He looked up and gasped.
Dropping the ball, he used his arms to furiously push himself backwards, but instead slipped and slammed his elbows into the floor. Jack tried to use his legs to stand, but they wouldn’t work. They were frozen to the spot.
In front of him, stood a dainty, hot pink-clad woman. She was beautiful.
Beyond beautiful, really. There were words that could possibly begin to describe her. From what Jack could tell, this woman had no flaws whatsoever. She was absolutely perfect in every way.
But at the same time, she was the most terrifying being Jack had ever laid eyes on.
“Hello-o, Mr. Mattherson!” she said in a singsong voice, flashing a dazzlingly white smile.
Stunned, Jack answered shakily, “Wh-who are you?!”
Her hot pink lips parted and she laughed; a screeching, high-pitched cackle that didn’t match her sugary-sweet voice. It only lasted a moment, and she then abruptly stopped. Composing herself, she tilted her head allowing her perfect golden curls to bounce freely around her shoulders.
Winking one sparkling blue eye, she answered, “I’m Mary, the Obedience Fairy!”
With that, she pulled out a pink, plastic-looking wand seemingly out of nowhere. On top was a white star, and it seemed to be giving off a faint hum, but only if you listened close enough. Twirling the wand in the air a few times, she did a small curtsy.
Jack was dumbfounded.
‘Does she really think I’m going to believe that? Who the heck is this chick? What’s she doing here?!’
“Hee-hee! Don’t worry, young Jack. I’m not lying! And I’m here to make you into a good boy!” she said, clapping her hands together.
‘Oh my God. She’s crazy! A “good boy”?!’
Adjusting her small golden tiara, she laughed. “I’m not crazy, silly! I’m the Obedience Fairy! It’s my job to make sure that you turn into a good boy!”
Jack was too shocked to say anything, let alone move.
She giggled. “Don’t be shy! I’m not going to hurt you.”
As she said that, a strange feeling struck Jack. A sort of pulling in the back of his mind – but for the time being, he was too shocked to dwell on it.
“Now, where did I put that thing…?” Mary had begun to turn in circles, turning her neck in an attempt to see her back.
Jack noticed there were two small, dainty wings fixed neatly on the back of her frilly dress. As she spun in circles, he was absolutely sure that she was insane. Perhaps even psychotic. He was having a hard time believing that, much to his surprise. She just seemed so harmless – and pretty.
Yes, that was it. She was too pretty to be a bad person. It was obvious now, and Jack mentally sighed.
Although she might be crazy –or possibly just a figment of his imagination– there was nothing to fear about this “obedience fairy”.
“Ah! Here it is!” Mary extracted a small, pink card from the front pocket of her dress. She extended her arm, and smiled sweetly as Jack hesitantly reached for it.
Taking the card, Jack realized his fingers were trembling.
‘Stop acting like a baby! This lady’s a freak, but it’s not like she’s going to eat you or something. Just calm down.’
Jack read the card and raised his eyebrow.
“What’s wrong, dear?”
He read it aloud, “Mary, the Obedience Fairy – Child Expert Extraordinaire. Turn your children into well-behaved youngsters in just three days! Once treatment has begun, your children will never go back to their old ways! We guarantee it!”
Below that was an extremely long paragraph, but the print was so minuscule that Jack didn’t think it was possible to even read.
Mary gave her wand a little flick, and the white star turned a vivid shade of pink. A moment later, the business card Jack held grew hot and vanished in puff of blue glitter. He gasped, and desperately tried to wipe the sparkling glitter from his fingers.
“Is there a problem with that?” Mary tilted her head.
“Uh, yeah." He looked down at his hands, and was surprised to see that any traces of blue glitter had disappeared.
"That’s really weird. And why the heck would my mom ask you to come here anyways? She already tried a psychiatrist, but that moron couldn’t handle the job.” Jack laughed in spite of himself at the thought of “Dr. Brown”. That man hadn’t cared a bit about Jack, no matter what he said. So when Jack slashed the tires of the doctor’s Mercedes, he hadn’t given it a second thought.
“Well, your mother didn’t exactly ask me—”
“So why are you here?”
Mary smiled. Tucking a loose curl behind her ear, she explained, “Well, your mother wanted me here, Jack. That’s how I get work! When moms and dads reach the point where they can’t handle their own children, I step in to help! I don’t even need to be asked.” She stood up proudly. Holding her wand against her heart, she continued, “And I will always be there for the children. No matter how rough and tough, I’ll help guide them down the path of goodness!”
Jack rolled his eyes. “Sure, lady.”
“It’s Mary, actually.”
“Yeah, Mary. Whatever. Just don’t waste your time here. No matter what you say, or what you do, I’m not gonna do anything you want. I don’t need any of your help, and my mom’s not fed up with me. All of her problems are her fault – not mine. So get outta my house.” For an added effect of authority, Jack folded his arms and jutted his chin out, holding his head higher than necessary.
The Obedience Fairy simply smiled.
“Sorry, Jack! You don’t have a choice!”
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Hey Poppity! I am so not here to review your story. Why would you think that? I simply refuse, and nothing you do could possibly change my mind. Uh-uh. No way.
You have a case of double wrinkles here.
Alright, so I'm good with everything up to the part with Jack smart-mouthing his mother. And, while I realize that it's necessary and everything, it seems a bit abrupt. Even though we understand that this is Jack's normal behavior, his Mom's reaction seems a bit...
Ugh, that was long.
This could just be me and my wierd little preferences, but the two "up's" throw off your flow in the same way the "wrinkle's" do. I'm not sure how you'd rephrase it to get rid of one, but I think you could.
Misplaced semi-colon, Pop, m'dear. It can either be taken out completely or magically transformed into a comma.
I agree with Rosey about the redeeming qualities except for Jack-- I think you need to make him ever ruder, actually. But by having the other characters (his mom, Thomas, Mary) seem a bit less harsh or even altogether better, we'll be able to sympathize with the victims more and the villan less. Usually it's good to have a complex villan, but in such a fun, quirky story I think you can go ahead and make Jack your all-around bad kid.
And I agree with Clo about Jack's reasoning for rebelling. What causes him to do this? He doesn't actually say why he treats his mother like he does-- is she weak, unable to defend herself? What has she done in the past to cause his love for her to evaporate? And, the big question-- Has it really evaporated?
Hope this helped, Poppity dear, and I shall await the next part!
~Evister
P.S. Forgive me for how long it took me to get to this. I had to catch up on my food thread and do some major studying for a science test. Urgh.
Anti-pop pop pop! I bet this story has SO much flair! And if it lacks a little, then I will certainly help you out, because I know you can make it so.
---
Up until this point, I've been okay with everything -- but I believe this is the second time you've had someone "burst into tears". This is a typical phrase for something like this, so I say, try to phrase it in a unique way. Be different. Be rad.
Looked up to... where? Is he looking straight up, at the ceiling, right above the ball? I'm just wanting an area for him to focus on, so we can see more clearly that he's spotted something, considering the following actions of him dropping the ball and flailing around.
I second Rosey, here. More description is necessary here. Beautiful isn't enough.
There WERE words that could describe her?
How so? Describe.
The description here is fun, I love it! Spread this throughout her introduction and we have a beautiful story.
Double punctuation, in my opinion, looks very bad in short stories and fiction. Instead of using both the question mark and the exclamation park, how about you just use the question mark and then use dialogue tags and description to show his shock, surprise, amazement? Dialogue is fun, but description is better.
Instead of starting a new paragraph there, just combine the two, so the dialogue is all in one paragraph, since it's still him talking.
Haha! This is very cute, poppy. I can see it as an early reader chapter book, with black and white pictures on a few pages. You need to work on description with this though, but I've already pointed out all the locations in the story where you need to do this. So some editing can easily buff this up.
Also, why exactly does Jack feel the need to rebel so much? He's a very nasty child, and what is bringing this out in him, why does he feel the need to act this way? The characterization is very well done for the most part -- especially at the beginning, but I wonder this.
PM me if you have questions. I hope I helped, poppy!
~ Clo
Alright, dragnet. What exactly do you mean by that? I'd love to know so I can improve this story.
Um...okay...
*slowly edges away*
I think this was kind of interesting, but it needs more...flaire.
You are beyond silly, did you know that Pop?
Description: You have mixed telling with description here. Now, you might be looking at that and thinking that all description is telling. Heh, well, not really. Telling description is things said point blank, like this:
This line is okay, in a sense. I would have liked to see more description, but, hey, beauty is relative, right?
However! You don't stop there. Had you stopped there, at this single line of what she looks like, I would have accepted the lack of description. But in later paragraphs, you go on to say she's blonde, is wearing a pink dress, had dainty wings, hot pink lips... you get the idea.
Another place where you've mixed telling with description is when you're describing the house. You tell us it's a dump, but how is it a dump? Is it in a crap neighbourhood? Is the paint peeling on the siding? Give us a wee bit more description to show us the house.
Characters: We don't really have any attraction to any of them, actually. Because of Jack's view on his mother, we don't feel like she's somebody to feel for. Jack is too cold, the fairy a bit too twisted and the little brother a bit to whiny. Redeeming qualities are good, even for a semi-villain like Jack. ^_^ It would make all of your characters more relate-able.
Overall: I liked this, despite it's rather twisted qualities.
Questions? Drop me a line.
~Rosey
Hey anti-pop!
This story is really interesting XD
An obedience fairy?
It struck me more as a little children's book rather than Fantasy fic at first though
Anyway, for the moment, while I'm still blur, I haven't spotted any eye-catching mistakes. So, good job so far.
Is Jack really that young? He seems quite mature to me. A young adult.
You didn't drive me 'round in circles, so that's good too.
His mother was a bit...clingy sounding, like the part where she asked Jack why didn't he love her. Then again, Jack's turning out to be rather unpleasant.
I could vivdly picture Mary and her pink ensemble,
And I like her character so far, because I sense that there's something going on with her...
Basically, you did a great job, so keep up the good work!
~Have a nice day!
Meep(: