Lovers Bread Basket

Hello! This is certainly the most original poem I've read in a while; the theme is indeed very amusing . The technicalities of your poem can be improved, though. For instance, the rhythm needs some work; you can make the flow of the poem better by making the number of syllables per line constant. Of course, variations can achieve this as well, but there needs to be a pattern in the variations still. You can also improve your choice of words, as in one stanza where you wrote, "And chomped on the bread / that he had happily found". You can reword that to make a better effect.

Keep Writing!

-BlueShift

I didn't find this poem boring at all - fair enough it's not GREAT but I like it - it's quirky and I have a love for all things odd. I can see how it's directed younger audience, although it's kind of one of those poems that adults read for fun too.

Your flow is a bit choppy at times, but there's nothing wrong with that - silly little poems that you write on scraps of paper tend to be the best when it comes to entertainment value!

Good Work!

anti-pop wrote:Lovers Bread Basket


Two secret lovers went down
the winding street,
And into the town
when who did they meet?

The boy’s dotting mother
bread basket in hand,
Who had never seen the other
that sported a wedding band

The boy went red
as his mother went blue,
His arms covered his head
as she chased after the two

The old girl gave chase
the two lovers had seen,
But she was put in her place
and by that I do mean:

That the Sherriff’s big hound,
Ol’ Lucky, his name,
Had come up and bound
atop of that tired old dame

He sat on her head
while she lay on the ground,
And chomped on the bread
that he had happily found

When she lay still he’d just pout
that poor pup didn’t know,
That he had gone and knocked out
the life of that old widow

And while the lovers are married,
together still,
And the mother-in-law’s buried
atop of Dusty Hill,

With her passing still raw,
The lovers traveled to Kentucky
to visit the boy’s father-in-law--
and made sure to bring Ol’ Lucky



This isn't my first poem, but it is my first directed towards younger audiences (I normally don't write funny ryhming poetry). Thanks for reading!
*anti-pop

Hey Anti-Pop ^^ Shina here

This poem was really confusing for me. It was sort of boring, but I guess maybe it's because it's for younger audience? Well my first pointer is the last line of the first stanza. What does that mean? Did you have a typo? I'm pretty sure you can't say "when who". I'm pretty sure you already know that, but you can't put two question forms right next to each other right?

The main problem I'm having with this poem is what is going on. It looks like a good poem and the title is interesting, but I'm not sure you incorporated it well enough into the poem. The connection between the stanzas doesn't flow for me.

Thanks for the other good reads ^^ Keep writing! I liked your other poems I've read. This one may seem a little rusty, but you keep writing xD I want to read more.

~Shina

cute! god i wish my vocab was as vast as yours!
i will be keeping an eye on you!

Hi everyone!
Thank you ALL so much for the positive and helpful feedback! I really appreciate it.

Also, thanks aloe for the great help!
A few little things though I need to clear up, though:

that last to are overdrawn to try and create a point and that as well seems a little unprofessional.

the writing before should imply happiness on the dog. adverbs just seem (here it comes again) unprofessional

Okay, I'm going to do my nit picky copy editor act. sorry, just the way I am.

first off, syllable-wise, the whole thing totally skips around from comparative, adjacent lines.

Two secret lovers went down

The boy’s dotting mother

Two secret lovers went down
the winding street,

Who had never seen the other
that sported a wedding band

The old girl gave chase
the two lovers had seen,
But she was put in her place
and by that I do mean:

Had come up and bound

that he had happily found

That he had gone and knocked out
the life of that old widow

and made sure to bring Ol’ Lucky

I really liked this, especially Ol' Lucky! The part about bringing him to see the father in law is pure genius!

This is a really nice piece of work, well done. Keep on writing!

I love this poem. It's clever and witty and fast paced and condensed and just overall brilliance. It made me giggle at the end.


Im going to nitpick because I just love annoying the hell out of people. Not really. Just don't kill me.

anti-pop wrote:Lovers Bread Basket


Two secret lovers went down
the winding street, You split a sentence randomly into two lines; I know it fits the rhythm, but it interrupts the flow, man.
And into the town
when who did they meet?

The boy’s dotting mother is this doting?
bread basket in hand,
Who had never seen the other
that sported a wedding band I got reallly confused here; I get it now, but I think if you rearranged it for less intelligent people such as moi, just so its clear it means his wife. But the rhyme here was dead smart, matey.

The boy went red
as his mother went blue, LOL!
His arms covered his head
as she chased after the two I can totally see this in my head.

The old girl gave chase
the two lovers had seen, but you've already said she chased after them. Use your poetic awesomeness and write something cooler.
But she was put in her place
and by that I do mean: I'm crapdiddlesquat at punctuation, but I would have put a semi colon here. But ignore that advice, because my English teacher routinely throttles me for punctuation mistakes. ("Did you splatterpaint these apostrophes??!!")

That the Sherriff’s big hound,
Ol’ Lucky, his name,
Had come up and bound
atop of that tired old dame Surely there's better one syllable words than 'tired' to describe this absolute nutter of a woman.

He sat on her head
while she lay on the ground,
And chomped on the bread
that he had happily found I reckon that you could do this verse better.

When she lay still he’d just pout
that poor pup didn’t know,
That he had gone and knocked out
the life of that old widow You did the sentence splitting thing again.

"He had knocked out the life
Of that poor old widow"

And the rest of it was comic genius.

Wow, you had a good rhyme and rythym, and a good sense of humor. It had the classic "funny poem" style, but the part about Ol' Lucky was a little surprising! Just a quick nitpick, the first letter in a new line of the poem should be capitalized. For example:

Two secret lovers went down

The winding street,

And into the town

When who did they meet?

I enjoyed your poem, it had a nice flow, rhyme sceme, and it was extremely humorous
You seem like the kind of person that is able to just spit something like this out.
dont know why I said that.

Oh well, great poem, involving love, life death, marriage, and all tied together in a way that while slightly dark, was humorous, and still managed to be lighthearted

nice imagery,

Now for the real review, this poem has undertones of vioence, and overtones of joyous and young love. There is a rather... ballad-esq tone around it, that is a good thing, I think.. .a nice peice of work.

peace

I liked the poem! Not all writers make their poems that long and that is good that you have a great imagination and you can stretch your poem. SO GREAT JOB!!!!
KEEP ON WRITING.

Great! It was funny great rhyme's, and finally a poem that isnt depressing!

I especially liked the part about bringing Ol' Lucky to the father in law