We are love, aren’t we? We love like no other has ever loved before. We are perfect for one another, you and I.
Perfect.
I am blind to your flaws – at least, I would, had you possessed any. Your pale skin draws me in like a fly to sweet honey, and those sparkling sapphires that lay fixed in your skull do nothing but fill my head with thoughts of you. Smooth satin lips so inviting to the touch; like you and I were meant to be one.
But your lips feel cold now. They have for some time – why, my love? I caress your dark curls. You’re so still, my love. So still.
You’ve been this way since last Tuesday. Why? Was it the accident? Please don’t grieve, darling; you’re still as beautiful as the day we met.
I pull you closer to me as we lay on soft sheets. Wrapping my arms around your neck, I lift you into the air, feeling the contours of your perfectly structured cheekbones.
You’re a goddess, my darling. It’s okay you don’t have a body.
We are love, after all.
For Cal's Contest. "Dance 4 Life" – DJ Tiesto (007. hamartia)
1/5
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...it seems we've got ourselves something of a love story based on a bit of a love song there. Certainly a very cute start there. We're leaning a little heavily into things, but you do love to see when it comes to things that have quite this much to do with love, so I'm loving the direction we're headed in here. Let's see how this one manages to turn out.
Well that has gotten ever so slightly bittersweet, I probably should have seen that coming given how wholesome the opening was. It was just ever so slightly too good to be true and its clear from this one that we're about hit what could be a pretty tragic moment here. Well I have a feeling I know where this has gone here, but let's find out.
Okay that one definitely ends on a very bittersweet note there, going right for the kill there towards the end with this whole thing turning out to be a death scenario. I don't believe I expected it to be anything quite like that from the start and well it really came in and hit hard there. I think you've got yourself a very powerful piece right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Aunty-Poppity! June here!
So, I think this is definitely a brilliant piece. Creative and short.
Little things first!
I think that "I would" here should be "I would be"-- it kind of sounds... a little incomplete?
Sooo... I'm confused a little?
- - -
I think you have done a really, really good job here. It's got a hint of sad story to it-- and from my interpretation, I am assuming that someone has lost their sweetheart and is still deeply in love with them, but can only love their soul now, not their physical form?
Very creative piece, dear. Keep up the excellent work, and good luck in that contest!
June
Poppity! =D You're going to enter Cal's contest?! Awesome. Get writing, girl-- you've got today and tomorrow to crank out four entries.
Alright, so. This was so short, I'm struggling with what to tell you. I did like it-- but I'm not quite sure there was enough of anything in there for me to like. Emotion, yes. I saw that, and I felt that. But! I think a lot of the emotion in there was forced, like you were trying to cram some profound feelings in there, just to give the piece some substance. It gave it a feeling of being detatched from the reader-- more as if the author is writing a letter to his dead love, instead of narrating a scene about them. Does that make sense? I think you need to take this a step further either way, by making it more defined; you could go the letter route, and really pour out that emotion (example: Meep(:'s Seven Letters) or you could take this peice and make it more like a scene, describing the room and describing the way he can still smell her perfume, the way her eyes are just as beautiful glassed over and blank. Either way, I think this would be stronger if you choose one of those formats, and lengthen! Writing can be short, do doubt about it, but when I read your blog entry about writing something 'short' this was not what I had prepared myself for!
So. That was a large chunk of suggestions. But I think you have a really solid foundation set her for something slightly more in-depth and a hundred or so words longer.
Good luck in the contest, love. ^^ If you find yourself pressed for time, don't forget that a haiku counts as a poem too.
~Evister
This was good, though I do not exactly understand the ending. Is the person the main character is in love with dead or non-existant? The beginning was very good and your descriptions were done very well. I would really like to read some of your other, much longer work.