Once upon a time in a town called Happydale there were two friends and one was named Bob. Bob liked to play football and trade Pokemon cards and his best friend Ryan also liked to trade Pokemon cards but he didn't have as many Pokemon cards as Bob. The two friends would play together and trade Pokemon cards because that's what they liked to play.
"Prepare to face the wrath of my Squirtle" said Bob.
"You don't stand a chance against my Ninetails it will crush your water Pokemon because it is better than Squirtle everyone knows that" said Ryan.
"That is not true Ryan take that back'
"Yes it is Bob you can't ignore it"
Then the two friends became unfriends because Ryan thought his Ninetails would crush Bob's Squirtle and that made Bob sad. Bob felt loneley so he called his other friend Nancy who was a girl but even though she was a girl she played Pokemon too.
"Hey Nancy can you come over and play Pokemon cards with me because Ryan doesn't want to and he says his Ninetails will crush my Squirtle" said Bob.
"OK Bob. I'll bring my cards over to your house so we can both play Pokemon and my Rapidash will obliderate your Squirtle" said Nancy.
"No it won't Nancy I hate you too now and I don't want to see your face again you cootie-breath" said Bob.
So Bob grew up and every time he made a new friend to play Pokemon cards with he would get sad because their Pokemon would beat his. Bob decided one day to quite playing with his Pokemon cards and instead he started to play with pipe bombs and one day a pipe bomb blew up in his face and he died the end.
Yes, it was worth the points. I enjoyed this.
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Canary word: Present
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All answers shall be revealed here.
But thank you very much for taking the time to review this - if you ever see something like this floating around on the site, feel free to be harsh. Harsh reviews are what help others to become better writers. So again, thank you for taking the time to review this!
(I can actually write rather well; this was for a contest. And I have achieved the desired result! Yes!)
Meg
I... I'm not sure: is it, like, a parody? Of life in general? Wha-?
It appears that there is no such thing as the 'comma' in Happydale. I saw numerous places where one could be injected. If this is a parody, OK, its OK without a comma, but, hey, I always liked the parodies which make themselves out to be a) enjoyable, well-punctuated stories, or b) (following the tracks of machinimist GuitarMasterx7) something that takes the original and makes it over the top.
I saw no character development. Yes, they all like to play Pokemon card, and Bob sucks. Give a little and I'll give a little too.
Ending; didn't lead up to anything. Wha-?
I just didn't get it.
So tell me, was it a parody of bad writing? Huh?