Published January 29, 2010
How can i see through the dark?
the sky has fallen and there is pain
to start a new life ,make a new start,
face the the past to breach the rain?
find the light,that shines through all
to make this wourld turn
to give all hope where hope is lost
to teach those who wish to learn
how can i see through the dark ?
when all is left in shame
to rebuild all,make a new ark
get back what was lost;regain
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,777 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Heyy! This was captivating and, er, different
In a good way.
Like ab mentioned there's some lines in there to which I cannot really relate to and that would be something you should pick up on. I mean try and keep it implicit and mysterious by all means but the last thing you want to do is leave your reader confused and bewildered. This loses all effect.
My favourite bit though is how you keep this intriguing piece of imagery that makes us think and adapt to the situation your portraying its kind of unique, so well done.
Keep up the good work.
Ben
Oooh! I liked this!
One thing... I really liked the subject and the way you put it and the questions you put in our heads, so that was fine! The problem I have (which might not be a problem) was that I wanted more. So maybe you could write another stanza that shows how the narrator tried to regain this previously? It seems like an odd request, but I think it'll really help your poem out!
Hello, I liked the poem, grim as it was, it started organized and gradually the thoughts simply scattered, which in my opinion, gave the ending a feel of despair. Now criticism:
1)You have a couple of grammar mistakes, which is nothing major, but annoying.
2)There are a couple of sentences in which the content from one part of the sentence has no connection with the other part of the sentence. Examples:
It is rather annoying to read sentences with which you can't relate or sentences you don't understand.
I hope that in the future you will check your spelling better and that you will continue to write poems, sincerely, ab5986.
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
This flows really well. The opening question makes the reader want to read on. I'd make the "i" capital, and get rid of the question mark after "rain".I love; "to rebuild all,make a new ark
get back what was lost;regain".
It's a great image and it closes the poem effectively.
I'd think about imagery and look at depicting a specific world or scene. Maybe look at how the character is acting in response to the dark, the little mundane details of her or his existence. Try to show the outside things which bother the speaker rather than just focusing on the internal despair. Or maybe even take your idea of the ark and run with it, using flood imagery earlier on in conjunction with what you are saying. The best thing you can do is read poetry.
Hope this helps, and do feel free to P.M me if you'd ever like a poem critiqued.
Jas
Good poem!
I think you lost some of your flow and consistency in the middle of it unfortunately. I also don't understand what you were attempting to achieve by having such odd indentation. Otherwise keep writing your doing good!