Chapter 1: Grey skies and Tangled trees

Blackridge, Tasmania - 1963

Never go running this deep in the woods.

Thats what I always told myself, only stick to the path because that’s where you’re safe.

Well now I’m far off the path, the ground beneath me is wild and bare and my mind has only one thought.

I'm going to kill her.

The pistol is cold against the skin on my thigh, I’m more aware of it’s chilly thump against my leg as I run than of where I am actually heading. My frantic eyes just follow the flashes of white between the dark trees and my legs obey, working like a machine as they always do.

The air hits my face like ice, I barely register the tears that are forming in my eyes and cloud my vision like a choking mist. My heart is grieving and mourning, crying out for me to stop but my body doesn’t have time to acknowledge that pain, only to keep chasing, keep going and going and going until I catch her.

Those white flashes of her dress in the distance beckon me over moss covered rocks and fallen paperbarks.

When the sky opens up I barely notice, when the cockatoos screech and caw I barely notice, when a wayward stick scratches against my bare, wet leg and leaves a trail of crimson blood I barely notice, all I see is that white dress and all I feel is that gun against my leg that I would use to put a bullet through her head.

The forest around me sings a symphony of rain and birdsong and cicadas. My head becomes all I am, no feeling, no sympathy. She will die that woman, she will die at my hand, the same hand that reached for Jason as he struggled beneath that grey water, the same hand that couldn’t find him when she dragged him under, and under and under. Her suffering is all that is in my mind, that most poisonous feeling that fills my entire body like thick smoke and drives me further and further into the dark forest and closer and closer to my best friend’s murderer.

I was never a killer, it made me sick when my father used to take me out into the back fields of our homestead to shoot the rabbits. I couldn’t understand why they didn't get back up and hop about like I had seen them earlier. I asked my father, looking up at him as if he were a statue high above me.

“Why do we kill the bunnies da?”.

He looked down at me like I was one of those rabbits, a simple girl who didn't understand the complex makings of the world.

“They are below on the food chain my girl, don’t be soft or you’ll end up like them” he motioned to the unmoving rabbit a yard in front of us “you’re either the rabbit” he picked up the gun “or the hunter”.

He ended the conversation just like that, leaving me to stand alone among the tussocks.

But I still never understood why he would kill, what is the point of making the rabbit stop moving?

But now, now I see. That rage that comes along with it was burning in me now, you didn’t kill for fun, for a game.

You killed to make them stop moving, stop breathing, stop existing. And thats all I want, for that murderous woman to stop moving and never move again.

My feet screaming in pain brake me out of my thoughts, I’m wearing pink sandals, not the best shoes for running, I feel the straps start to break and give way.

In that second it took to look down at my feet she was gone, just like that, as quickly as a feeling flies away in the wind. My eyes searched the surrounding trees frantically, how could I let my guard down. My heart drops to the ground and so do I in breathless exhaustion.

I fall to the damp, black soil, my smoke clogged chest heaving in and out. I let out a cry of pain and sadness, tears burning in my eyes as I double over, laying my sweaty forehead against the cool earth. The intense smell of wet soil and decaying gum leaves surrounds my head and I breathe it in as I gasp for breathes between tears.

She is gone, so fast, even faster than me and I’m the fastest person I know.

Jason I’m so sorry but she's gone and I cannot do a thing, so useless, so stupid.

I was going to kill for you, it just went so fast, only this morning we were eating breakfast, you remember right, you made me those disgusting pancakes, and then… then we went to the lake to swim and…

She… she took you under in a flash, she took you away from me and made you stop moving.

And now she’s gone, probably far away now, because I wasn’t fast enough to catch her.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

The rain starts to blanket down but I don't care, I let it soak my dress and wash away the blood coming out of my stinging leg, my curly, dark hair soaked through. I feel the gun calling me from in-between my skirts, it hadn’t given up yet.

I drag myself up from the ground, wet mud sticking to my arms.

What kind of a friend would I be if I just sat here?

Not knowing what direction to head in I walk over a hole ridden log, underneath a willow’s dripping arms and enter a clearing. It’s openness surprises me after being trapped under seemingly never ending leaves and branches.

To see the stormy sky above me stretching out was releasing, I notice the rain start to slow, a thundering downpour turn to a drizzle.

My gaze drifts away from the sky down to the centre of the clearing where a ancient gum tree stands regal and white, it’s bark long wasted away leaving a pale skeleton to stand out amongst its the dark green brothers. It’s massive trunk grew out into the sky, it’s beauty almost distracts me from what was at it’s base.

Among the silver grass stands a woman, her white dress bright and dripping. She is looking up, high into the trees branches, long brown hair tumbling down her back.

My heart drops, the blood rushing down my arms. There she is, peaceful and ghostly.

The rage returns to my blood.

My hand goes to the gun, it is heavy and unfamiliar in my fingers as I unclasp it from it’s clasp on my leg and draw it up.

The forest stops singing, every tree watching where my finger is going to move. The air around me freezes, the temperature drops and the rain turns to snow in the sky, falling softly onto the ground.

My hands are no longer shaking, I know I could do this, aiming across the tussocks to the back of her head. I want her to turn around and to beg me not to do it. Part of me feels like a monster, but another part feels like a warrior, avenging a fallen friend.

This is for Jason, for the pain you brought me and the pain you brought him and everyone who loved him.

She was unmoving, always looking up, snow drifting onto her hair.

I held my breath and.

I shoot her, the heavy sound echoed through the silent trees.

But… she.

She's still looking up, the bullet hit it’s mark, the back of her head but there was no blood, no hole.

What the hell.

Then she moves, slowly she turns her head looking me directly in the eyes. The gun drops to the ground from my limp hands as she stares at me with the brightest blue eyes, they were so sad, so, so sad.

Slowly she fades. She’s there and then she isn’t. Floating away on the wind like a mist. The snow melts back into rain.

Oh god, none of this makes sense, people can’t just disappear and they certainly can’t get shot in the head and survive it.

The forest returns to it’s song, trees creaking in the wind and birds twittering. It was almost as if she were never there in the first place.

But she was right there, how is she just gone. Out of my reach.

This was insane, Jason was murdered and now I’m in the middle of nowhere chasing a woman who disappears like a ghost.

I felt like I was dreaming, I wish I was dreaming. But this is not a dream and I need to deal with this.

I check behind me back into the trees, I see a possum climb over a log, a beetle crawl up a nearby banksia, a kookaburra fly into the grey sky. I do not see her.

I notice even more hot tears forming in my eyes, I wipe them away in shame with my dirt stained hand and try to gather myself.

I need to get help right? I know this forest like the back of my hand, the pathways along the sandstone cliffs, the ghost gum trail near the Darling river, and of course the path that leads from town to the lake. That's where I was, where it happened.

I don’t know this part of the forest, no pathway ever leads this far east but if I retrace my hasty steps I could maybe find my way back to the lake.

My legs are aching and the blood coming from the cut now covers almost half my leg, running into wet ground, only now did I start to feel it’s ferocious sting.

God, I hope I find someone out here who can help me, I won’t make it far like this.

I prepare to face reality, how was I going to explain this? How were people going to react? This was small town and news like this will be the centre of everything.

I wonder if my father will be angry, I wasn’t even meant to be out here with Jason in the first place, and he will cut my throat if he finds out that I stole his gun.

I notice the pale sun getting lower every second behind the clouds and there’s a storm brewing, I can smell the air laced with static. At this time of the year the night will bring frost, I need to leave this place quickly.

Although I know I can find my way back I still feel fear creep up on me, the hairs on my arms rise as the cold wind picks up.

I don’t know it, but blue eyes watch me from deep within the trees.