Young Writers Society

Hello there!

I was a little confused by their relationship in this piece. Is it before they've met? Has Trista had experiences with non-humans before. Darian makes some comment about it when he notices her window is open, that she should know better. Should she?

The prose seems really thick for this piece. It's quite beautiful in small amounts, but too much of a good thing can still be too much. It's kind of like dark chocolate: in small amounts, it's rich and satisfying, but eat an entire bowl of it and you're heading for a stomach ache. It's coming across as purple prose.

Darian took another drag of his treasured cancer stick, allowing the tension in his body to be replaced by his trusty nicotine mood regulator.

I like both of these descriptions, but stacked on top of one another as they are in this sentence, tit is just too much. Pick one or the other to remain in the sentence, then try putting the other somewhere else. As is, they are just competing for the reader's affection and each's awesomeness is cancelling out the other's.

I would write out the numbers. There's a rule dictating this, but I don't recall it exactly (plus it never seems to be written the same way twice anyway), so I'd just say try writing them all out. The numerals just look a little wonky.

Not a lot happened in this chapter. We've met the two characters, we know he is stalking her, but why? What happened to her before this? Why has he chosen to stalk her? I suppose you're going to tell us eventually, but as of right now, we know so little about the characters that just watching them go about their routines (strange as Darian's might be >.> ... <.<) is not incredibly enthralling. Give us something to chew on, some actual information rather than just subtle hints. Dangle a little meat and the readers will swarm to it and be hooked.

Keep on truckin'.

~GryphonFledgling

Hey Anonymous, welcome to YWS. I'm Kaedee, your reviewer today.
Well done! Bravo! You did a magnificent job. *clicks 'Like' button* I hardly ever do that, which clearly shows my opinion of this. I'm unsure about the plot yet, though...but after all, this is the first chapter. I'll explain soon.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:
-Very well written! All the sentences and paragraphs seemed to flow as one.
-Great use of vocabulary, which is good part of why I love your writing style so much!
-Interesting title...grabs reader instantly, as does the first paragraph for me because of once again, your writing style.

Things I Didn't Like/Things You Didn't Do Well On:
Can't quite find anything. Okay, here goes. The plot makes me worried.
This:

anonymoussoul7 wrote:He had yet again conquered his unforgiving bloodlust, violent as ever in its greed.

and this:

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Darian became one with the darkness, no longer a separate entity as he watched the girl from afar.

and this:

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Running his tongue along the two elongated fangs that forever branded him, Darian could barely taste the remnants of his last meal.

and the title leaves me thinking of Twilight. I start to feel disappointed when I see this, but hopefully I'm wrong! Hopefully this is much, much different.

[b]Nitpicks:

anonymoussoul7 wrote:The smell of exhaust merged with the scent of freshly cut grass, the hallmark of an urban summer.

Even though this isn't a nitpick, I have to say that I love this sentence.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:His attention faltered slightly as a pins and needles sensation began to fester in his knees, now riddled with long, pointy thorns.

I don't like the 'pins and needles sensation' part. It doesn't seem to work well.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:The stain seemed to be yet another protest by mother nature, vainly attempting to protect her children from the monster hiding in the bushes.

Very creative. Another favorite sentence of mine.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Fitness fanatics jogged through the park, dragging their dogs along behind them with leashes that seemed to double as nuces.

Should be 'nooses'?

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Chatty children cluttered the sidewalks, trying to finish off their ice cream cones before they melted into sticky pools.

I would just say 'ice cream', since the cones aren't melting but the ice cream is, right?

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Chuckling darkly, Darian took another drag of his treasured cancer stick, allowing the tension in his body to be replaced by his trusty nicotine mood regulator.

I like how you said 'treasured cancer stick' instead of 'cigarette'.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Stretching out as best he could behind the foliage, Darian's muscular, towering frame protested in agony at being hunched over behind something 1/6 its size for hours on end. Broad shoulders and over 6 feet of arms, torso, and legs didn't do well in small spaces. He hadn’t been built to cower, he’d been built to kill. If Darian ever wavered in his conviction, a simple glance at his body assured him of his purpose in life.

Write out these numbers. At least I would.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:As the girl moved just out of view, Darian began to walk in his usual confident stride, maintaining a distance of 50 feet between himself and her. He could feel the eyes of the easily awed humans in the park on him as he moved, almost as if they sensed there was something dangerous and forbidding about him but not exactly what.

Write out '50 feet', and all the other numbers under one-hundred after this. 'Almost as if they sensed there was something dangerous and forbidding about him but not exactly what' does not make any sense. Re-write.

anonymoussoul7 wrote:Trying to avoid eye contact, Darian thanked the gods that it was approaching the time most humans barricaded themselves within their houses, comforted with a false sense of security some rickety little panel of wood offered them. Humans amused him almost enough to make him forget the scathing hatred he harbored for them- almost.

I would say 'Humans amused him almost enough to make him forget the scathing hatred he harbored for them. Almost.'

I'm definitely looking forward to reading more, to find out the true plot. Keep up the good work! Hope I helped.
See ya round-

KD