Young Writers Society

Its gonna make a good story,you are good to go,You would make an amazing writer. For your first story,you are really good.I give you a thumbs up.

...The way you describe I think gives us an insight to the what phoebe is feeling.Just give special attention to your tenses,I'm having the same problem myself but you tenses says a lot,your tenses tells us maybe the incident is happening presently,happened in the past or would happen in the future,so dont use past tense when you mean to talk about what's happening presently and don't use present when you are talking about the past.It isn't easy tho but it makes your story more appealing..

Also, I think for easy spacing and amd understanding,I think you should have splitted this draft into two paragraphs, the first paragraph could have ended here:
"All the things that would never be a reality because I was just Phoebe" and the next paragraph
"I'm just phoebe Phoebe Argo. A fifteen-year-old girl (going on 16 mind you) who watched Netflix, hung out every day with Vanessa and chose comfort over style when it came to clothes".
But you are good to go, you are great

Its gonna make a good story,you are good to go,You would make an amazing writer. For your first story,you are really good.I give you a thumbs up.

...The way you describe I think gives us an insight to the what phoebe is feeling.Just give special attention to your tenses,I'm having the same problem myself but you tenses says a lot,your tenses tells us maybe the incident is happening presently,happened in the past or would happen in the future,so dont use past tense when you mean to talk about what's happening presently and don't use present when you are talking about the past.It isn't easy tho but it makes your story more appealing..

Also, I think for easy spacing and amd understanding,I think you should have splitted this draft into two paragraphs, the first paragraph could have ended here:
"All the things that would never be a reality because I was just Phoebe" and the next paragraph
"I'm just phoebe Phoebe Argo. A fifteen-year-old girl (going on 16 mind you) who watched Netflix, hung out every day with Vanessa and chose comfort over style when it came to clothes".
But you are good to go, you are great

Hey anonymousplease,

I just read your introduction and I do have some things to point out about it. But before that, don't worry about negative comments or anything, we're all here to improve!
I liked the descriptions in the beginning; they really did give me that sense of insomnia due to stress.
However, firstly you're been vague about the reason behind this stress, "dread" as you call it, until the very end where you reveal that it's the final maths GCSE paper. You may be working your way towards a kind of a reveal but remember, you're writing in first person so this final would be in the center of your protagonist's thoughts, much more so if it's causing her that much stress. So, to me at least, it doesn't make sense to hide it like that without at least giving some reasoning behind it, something along the lines of the girl trying to keep herself distracted or deliberately running away from the thought until it prevails in the very end.

Next, I didn't really like the "it won’t dramatically change my life", I find that it foreshadows way too obviously that something WILL happen at the final or before it. Foreshadowing can be done more subtly without having the character essentially spell it out for us.

Also, you tend to switch between tenses kinda abruptly: "Still my stomach knottED (...) I'VE givEN up..." which, again, to me, was confusing and irritating. I'd suggest finding a tense that is good for what you're trying to get across (is it happening now, is it happening in the past, is it just narration?) and stick with it.

Additionally, beginning to make a listing of your character's external characteristics (or even personality traits) is a no-no; it's been done so many times and there are much more interesting ways to give out information about your character's appearance than just listing it in a paragraph, in my humble opinion. Let's take the "slender yet small" part and try to change it a bit: "Reflected on the window's glass was my slender yet small frame". It seethes into the narration AND gives information about an external characteristic.

The "welcome to my life" is also something I feel (although nothing particular comes to mind) that I've encountered many times before, especially in movies and something that I would generally avoid.

All in all, you do succeed in creating a sense of interest in what happens next, albeit quite obviously with that foreshadowing, and the descriptions are generally good but this introduction does need redrafting. I wish you all the best in your endeavour and hope you continue this story!

Hey there annonymous,

You probably know my name from reading the bold heading above my review, so I'll skip that part.

But just a little disclaimer: This review will sound really harsh. And I mean like REALLY harsh. And I'm sorry, but at the same time I have an opportunity to improve your writing. When you think about it, this is a potential career and I want to improve your writing in any possible way, even if it seems very rude and blunt. That said, some thoughts:

1) There was too much of a change in topic throughout this paragraph. You started out discussing an anxious lack of sleep, and then started discussing hair. That is wayy too dramatic of a change in the first paragraph because it isn't super long, and it confuses and bores the reader.
2) On a smaller note, you can't just bring in characters in the intro (like Jake). That was the clearest example because we have no idea who Jake is, and we have to pick it together by implications. It would help a lot if you included a sentence towards the beginning saying something like "I wondered if Jake could help me study just a little bit more, but then realized he was almost certainly asleep." Same goes for Phoebe.
3) You had too many short and choppy sentences, like "This is a sentence." or "This is short." Try to mix it up, saying something like "Because this is a longer sentence, it is likely that this sentence flows better and is a smoother way of writing." By mixing it up, I mean don't just have an independent clause all the time. Add dependent clauses (adjective phrases, adverbial phrases, prepositions, gerunds, participal phrases, etc.
4) Give us more descriptions. For example, one might say something like this in their story "The night was dark. I wondered what could be lurking in the dark. Sometimes, I was afraid that something might hurt me during night. It was scary." While that still conveys the general idea, a more descriptive passage will make the reader actually afraid that something might be there, to feel the fear. One way I would do it (and I'm by no means even very good at this) is to say, "It was another dark and quiet night. Sometimes, the silence was even more terrifying than gunshots. I was afraid that someday, one of those bizarre creatures who lived in the dark would make a move or those twisted shadows displayed on my wall would come alive. It was a little embarrassing, a 15-year-old who was still afraid of the dark and needed a nightlight, but the night was terrifying. So many horrible beings still lived in the pitch-black that draped over my room like a petrifying curtain."
5) You overused adverbs rather than using strong verbs. For example, saying "I hurriedly walked down the street," say "I hurried down the street." It just flows better and strong verbs are much more powerful than adverbs.
6) I highly recommend continuing the paragraph where you currently end and describing why it's so dreadful, how the MC has prepared for it, comparing her nerves to something, etc.
7) Your ending was extremely awkward and not at all how I would want to tie up the beginning. It should end on something that makes the reader want to keep reading, a section that intrigues the reader and perks their interest. I would recommend ending on a note where the protagonist is able to resolve her problem, but there needs to still be an element that seems like the story hasn't ended. For example, you could say "I crawled back into bed, pushing the thoughts of failure out of my mind and instead forcing the dark veil of sleep to approach, and finally, that dark mistress of the night appeared and blessed me with her sweet lullaby."

After revisions, this is a great start and it would intrigue me. You're not at that stage yet, but that's perfectly fine. YWS is here to help you do that, and my PM is always open for any questions/comments.

Best wishes,
MJ

Hey anonymousplease! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

The first thing I noticed, was your overuse of adverbs. Here's a good example:

The moon cast shadows that distractingly flashed across my eyelids as I furiously tossed and turned throughout the night.

I’ve given up.

London’s a big city.

I stared into the empty black sky and let my imagination run wild. I thought of packing bags, running away, joining the secret service and becoming the next 007.

Appearance wise; limp brown hair which could never decide whether it wanted to be straight or a messy bunch of waves, slender yet small and common brown- grey eyes.

My final maths GCSE paper.

Hey! Sky here, dropping in for a review.

Overall, I must say I'm intrigued. Some suggestions I have are to first, read it over. There were a few grammatical blips that could easily be spotted and fixed. Luckily, it wasn't that bad so it didn't disrupt the story. Second, some information here seemed to stick out to me as random. We have a random friend named Vanessa, who we have to assume is her best friend because it was implied, and the way you introduced the setting was a bit odd. Now we know she is in London, but why is this significant to the story? The main character, Phoebe, was introduced nicely in my opinion. On to the end with the paper. To me, it just seems a bit out of place. She can't sleep, but because of a paper? If I were you, I would completely take out the last line or any part about the paper. Maybe leave the reader with just a sense of something bothering her, and her not being able to sleep. That might help for the reader to connect with the character because some people just cannot sleep sometimes. Another overall thing; the parts in the parenthesis may not be needed. I think I'm done critiquing now.

I really liked the layout and the details of this story. I really did feel a connection on some level to the character, and one last suggestion. Maybe you could say she gazed at the stars, or tried but the light from the street lamps didn't allow. Again, that is just something I would put. This is a good story that could be downright amazing with some work I hope my review is helpful and not too confusing.

~Sky