You’re in my blood, you dissipating
work of art.
You’re in my veins, you insolent,
beastly flower.
Run
and may all the bearers bear you.
Swoon
and may the bars forever bar you.
Dance
and may the killers kiss you.
You’re in my blood, darling.
You tore my heart, darling.
You’re in my veins, don’t cower,
and may all the kissers kill you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I can see you have bold feelings in this work. I like this type of writing- deep, secretive (kind of), full of emotion, and sometimes anger from actions. I can totally relate to this.
The only thing I don't understand is how why a killer would kiss "you" but a kisser would "kill you". Is that because a killer was in love with the person? Is that because a kisser would kill the person because he/she hurt him/her?
Kind of confusing. But really, good work here. It shows attraction, longing, and memories that can't be forgotten.
Hey, yo, Anonymou56! Strange here on this fantastic day and I have a review for you!
Welcome to YWS! That being said, this was one of the most impressive poems I have seen in a while. Usually when members join YWS, they're lacking in some departments. Whether it be theme or flow or formatting or subject, they lack. This had something that shocked me, which I'll talk about later. There are some problems, but this was a solid poem.
I could feel a sense of anger in this, something bitter. The word dissipating, for example, just powered this mood. I was a fan of the word choice, that's something I really enjoyed. I had no idea where this poem was going, but this was a strong start to what would come.
Insolent and beastly. It seems like the words that you do choose have emotion. I could feel the history between the MC and the person they are talking to. The way you do cut lines make me smile, because it helps the flow. It makes it look like a beautiful poem, however I believe the third overall line was unique. It felt different than the first line, which I think you were trying to copy in a way. Nonetheless, I liked it.
If this was a slam poem, which it could, this would make people go in awe. It sounds so nice. This is a nice poem in presentation because it has great delivery. You can have a nice package coming in, but UPS delivers it, the box can be all messed up. This time I won't be filing a complaint to the company, since the driver was careful. Good job.
You broke the pattern of the last four lines to have a strong ending. I can feel the broken love, or the bitterness towards the lover, and that's what I wanted. A lot of poetry relies on silly generic ways to grab emotion from the reader. I could relate to this, and it didn't feel generic. It felt fresh. I think that's where my problem is. It's not too fresh.
It really isn't that different, the only thing different is the delivery. It made me look at the same poem, but in a new light. It doesn't bring that much unique taste that I would expect. Sure, the vocabulary and presentation was good, but down in the core it's the same. Scorn lover, or that's what I interpreted. I think if you can bring something a bit more fresh, then I would absolutely love this work. It's still good, though.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
SO I really like all the words, they fit and go well together, and the title is really pretty.
However, (it may just be me) some things don't make sense to me, "Swoon, and may the bars forever bar you" I am not comprehending what a bar is or how somebody can be "bared" (bars forever bar you) Also "Dance, and may the killers kiss you" Something I think should be corrected, is linking thoughts together, so in other words, I think there should be an explanation, why the "killers" go from kissing the dancer to killing the dancer, I interpreted that the narrator got their heart broken by the dancer, not the killers/kissers (the killers and kissers in my opinion seem to be the same people, which if that was intended was really really awesome way of re-labeling a group of beings), so maybe if you worded it so that the narrator is the killer, or the killer got heart broken, it would make more sense. A common mistake in poetry, I feel are lines just thrown in there because they sound good, for example "Run, and may all bearers bear you" and again with the "swoon, and may the bars forever bar you, these are outcast lines because it doesn't have to do with the "heart breaker/dancer" and how he/she is beautiful but also evil, which is displayed in the other lines "beasty flower", "dissipating work of art", "may killers kiss you, ricocheted with "may the kissers kill you" , so let's look at it this way, if you are making one whole sandwich, FIRST you choose the bread then you can put anything you want on it, you could put a slice of American cheese on it, then decide you also want a slice of cheddar cheese, your sandwich is just insides, there is a few chunks of bread hanging on by the mayonnaise, but there is not a full bread, the bread is the base of your poem, the message, the moral, whatever you want to call it that is your bread, and your bread is crumbly. Now I hope it comes to you what the insides of the sandwich would be. I apologize if this is confusing, or hard to understand, anyway, I hope it was helpful!