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I don't know where this poem is going but I know how to get there

by anneonomus


so give me your friendship
I promise I’ll take it
and hold it in my gentlest hands
so as not to break

and give me a smile
I’ll give you my all
but gentle I promise I’ll hold it for you
so as not to break us

and give me your friendship
I promise I’ll love it
and gentler still cause I love you
but I’ll never let those words fall out
so my voice won’t break


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Sun Sep 06, 2020 12:58 pm
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oceans wrote a review...



Hi anne! Hope it's okay that I shortened your username!

I really love the idea you have with this poem, and I think if you continue working on it you can make it longer and lovelier! It is very sweet. I really enjoy the first stanza. I think that some of your wording can be switched around to make the words flow better off the tongue, while still keeping to the template you created, because the last two stanzas do not seem to flow as well as the rest. It is not bad at all, but it can be made better! Also I think the title was a bit misleading, it's a good idea but maybe for a separate poem? Regardless I enjoyed the read and you are very talented, good job and keep writing!




anneonomus says...


Hi, thank you so much! (also I love the shortened username, it's super cute!!) I'll definitely take this into consideration while I revise!



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Wed Aug 26, 2020 5:17 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi anneonomus! I saw your poem in the green room so here I am for a review :)

I agree with everything @Tuckster said, so I won't repeat it, I'll move on to some other stuff!

I think you do a good job of showing the narrator's tender emotions to the person they're addressing, especially in the final stanza where you say "but I'll never let those words fall out // so my voice won't break". Those are also my two favourite lines because they have some intriguing imagery, whereas the rest of the poem is fairly literal. I can imagine words falling out of the narrator's mouth, like a waterfall maybe, and crashing on rocks below. (If you were to further develop that imagery into something like what it brought to mind for me, that'd be great as well - definitely doesn't have to be that example, it can be whatever you envision, but creating more specific descriptions in a poem can ensure the reader is on the same page as you.)

Other than imagery (which Tuckster already mentioned in their review, so I don't want to go into as much detail), I'd like to look at some of your word choices. Specifically, "so" and "and". Starting stanzas with those words is generally weaker than starting on different words, so I'd recommend simply cutting some of them out.

Spoiler! :
The poem would then look something like this:
give me your friendship
I promise I’ll take it
and hold it in my gentlest hands
so as not to break

give me a smile
I’ll give you my all
but gentle I promise I’ll hold it for you
so as not to break us

give me your friendship
I promise I’ll love it
and gentler still cause I love you
but I’ll never let those words fall out
so my voice won’t break

^Without those fillers, the poem feels a bit snappier and overall stronger. If you like the uncertain feel they give to the poem, that's up to you, but I'd personally suggest taking them out.


You also use repetition throughout the poem ~ the stanzas are all arranged something like this:
give me something
I'll do something with it
this line has the word "gentle" in it
I won't break something.


I do enjoy the idea of the structure repeating each stanza, but I would recommend changing the language for more variety. One thing that really stands out to me is the use of "gentle"/some variant of the word; you can keep the general idea of that in each stanza, but change the word out with a synonym. That way there's still a structural repetition but the words don't lose their meaning because they're being overused. For example in the second stanza you could switch out "gentle" for "tender".

I'd suggest the same thing for the repetition of the word "break", as well ~ some synonyms (for inspiration) would include "crack", "shatter", "damage", and "hurt".

Overall, I like the sentiments in this poem, and it definitely feels very familiar like the narrator is addressing someone they're close to! A few place to improve would be
1) removing weak words from the beginning of stanzas like "and" and "so",
2) adding some more specific imagery so the reader can imagine what you're describing more clearly, and
3) swapping out repeated words like "gentle" and "break".

I hope you find this review useful and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




anneonomus says...


Hi watchamacallit, thank you so much for your review! I'll definitely consider your notes when I revise!



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Tue Aug 25, 2020 6:16 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there anneonomus! Tuck here to sharpen up my poetry-reviewing skills before RevMo. Let's jump into it!

I really liked the theme of gentleness that you continued throughout this poem. I felt that your choices with capitalization added to that theme of taking care with something important, and the enjambment contributed to an idea of a slightly rambly sentence spoken by someone desperate to persuade someone else of a viewpoint.

However, I felt that this poem was lacking some original themes that could have lent it more power and effect. It's a very literal poem and doesn't contain much figurative language. The introduction of these two elements would be more effective in communicating your point and expressing the ideas you want to express. For example, I'd love to see the idea of letting words fall out carefully so your voice won't break; it fits very well with the idea of gentleness that you establish throughout this poem. You could also use some things commonly thought of as fragile -- vases, glass, mirrors, jewelry, etc. -- to represent your relationship.

I also didn't feel that your title fit very well with the poem. To me, the title suggests meandering, looking for purpose and meaning, searching for something and struggling to find it, leaning on art as a way to prove your humanity and a way to find your purpose and passion. However, this poem seemed to be about something entirely. I interpreted your poem as being about the fragility of relationships, promising that you'll take care with something that's important to you, fighting to preserve a relationship that is growing increasingly fragile, and the gentle care that you provide to someone who's important to you. This disconnect between the title and the poem may give readers the wrong idea about what they're about to read, and it means that you're not capturing the essence of your poem as accurately as you could be.

That being said, there are a lot of things you got right here. The division of the stanzas was strong, your enjambment worked pretty well for this poem (although I am a sucker for a good enjambment, so take that compliment with a grain of salt), and your capitalization was an effective choice for this poem. You have the bones of a good poem that's worth continuing, but it could be strengthened through the use of some more figurative language and more poetic themes. I hope that this review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions please feel free to reach out!

Best,
Tuck




anneonomus says...


Hi, thank you so much for your review!
This poem is definitely a work in progress- in my mind, it's more like half of a poem, and I just still haven't found the other half.




Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead