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Homecoming Dress

by anneonomus

it’s pink.

it’s pink and it’s soft and it’s comfortably snug

delicate lace and solid bones

you said it was my color

the night is your black velvet dress

brown hair, brown eyes,

brown freckles mapped across your cheeks

arms wrapped snug around my waist

and mine around your shoulders

when the song ends you don’t let go

i don’t let go

we don’t let go

just pull each other tighter

a perfect fit

delicate bones and solid lace

you knew my favorite color

it’s pink.

Is this a review?



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19 Reviews

Points: 2014
Reviews: 19

Tue Aug 18, 2020 4:52 pm
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grainne wrote a review...

Hi! This is a really unique poem and I'm excited to be able to provide some feedback. I'm pretty new to the site, so I'm not sure exactly what reviews usually look like. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments!

You have a very nuanced tone to this poem. The first time I read it, I thought i was just cute and fluffy. The second time I read it, there seemed to be a few threads of a darker story adding a little depth to the poem. The unique descriptions and the idea of "i don't let go, we don't let go" hints at a deeper story.

In the places you use descriptions like "delicate bones and solid lace," those are descriptions we don't hear very often that sound a little bit darker and lend contrast to the rest of the poem.

I'd love to see those themes expanded further - what does this night mean to her? Is there an almost bittersweet element that you could pull out further? What's the rest of the story?

Another thing I'd suggest is consistency in the technical aspects of your poem. In a few places, you're using commas and periods, but in others you're leaving them out. Is this intentional to the tone of the poem? If not, I'd suggest choosing one method (either with punctuation or without) and sticking to it.

The repetition in this poem makes it read with a very lyrical flow. It's easy to follow along as a reader. It might be interesting if you experimented a little bit with rhythm and flow by adding lines, breaking the long body of your poem into stanzas, or breaking up a few of the longer lines to see how that changes the tone of the poem.

Totally up to you, but I always like to go through poetry submitted to my journal and make at least three different versions of the line breaks. The first one is just how it was submitted, the second one is with more line breaks, and the third one is with fewer line breaks. Then I read the pieces out loud. Sometimes it's amazing how the message of the poem can come across more or less powerfully depending on just where the reader is pausing.

Great job on this poem! I can't wait to see what you do with it next. As I said, feel free to let me know if you have any questions on my feedback - I'm more than happy to discuss the poem further!

anneonomus says...

Thank you so much for your feedback! I will definitely try playing around with the line breaks and reading the pieces out loud!

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444 Reviews

Points: 20878
Reviews: 444

Tue Aug 18, 2020 3:18 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi anneonomus! I saw your poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

First off, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the site (or this review), feel free to ask :)

I think this is a sweet and elegant poem. The language you use is simple and intimate, which works really well for the subject. Similarly, I really love your choice to keep everything lowercase - it gives the work a familiar feel, like it is addressed directly to the person the narrator loves.

One little stylistic thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. (Which is totally your choice as the poet, so if you disagree with anything I'm about to say feel free to disregard it!) Right now, you use punctuation in three lines:

it's pink.

brown hair, brown eyes

it's pink.

I personally if you're aiming to go down a no-punctuation route, you should fully commit to it -> remove the periods after "pink" and the comma after "hair". One thing you could consider doing, for emphasis, is only having a period after the final "it's pink", to really accent that line and give the poem a finished feel.
However if you like the poem as is, you can definitely leave it, too.

I really love your use of subtle repetition and how it changes - for example at the start of the poem when you say "delicate lace and solid bones" which later changes to "delicate bones and solid lace". It's super deliberate and draws the reader's attention to those little details, which is great!

I think there are a few places where you could play around with line breaks to get creative. For example we have the three lines saying "don't let go" -
when the song ends you don’t let go

i don’t let go

we don’t let go

I personally would love it if you experimented with this, something like
when the song ends you

don’t let go

i don’t let go

we don’t let go

Because now the line that I highlighted in green almost becomes a command to not let go as well as a continuation of the previous line. If that's not the tone you're going for, absolutely no pressure to change it, but just something to think about!

Another place you could think about playing around would be
brown hair, brown eyes,

brown freckles mapped across your cheeks

Something like:
brown hair,

brown eyes,

brown freckles

mapped across your cheeks

Again, you definitely don't need to change that if you don't want to! But line breaks can be really fun to experiment with and subtly change the meaning of phrases.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem! I love how intimate and familiar the language is, and also your choice to not capitalize; punctuation and line breaks are two things I think you could change around to see the effect it has on the poem.

I hope you find this review useful! Once again, welcome to YWS :)

Keep writing!


anneonomus says...

Hi whatchamacallit!
Thank you so much for your review! Your note about the line breaks for "don't let go" is especially helpful; I might try playing around with that!

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32 Reviews

Points: 1346
Reviews: 32

Mon Aug 17, 2020 10:11 pm
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penngreen4776 wrote a review...

Hiya! I'm penn. I admit I'm new at this, but I'll try my best at something approaching a review instead of me gushing over the feelings this gives me.

This is easily a very beautiful picture you've created around these two. I admit, I was a little confused at first regarding the first line "Pink' and "the night is your black velvet dress," but that might be my own fault. The description of our speaker and the subject of their affection leads to a very humble love that easily makes me smile. It easily becomes a beloved story/poem that tells its story clearly. I like it.

anneonomus says...

Hi Penn!
Thank you so much for your review and compliments! To clarify about the lines "pink" and "the night is your black velvet dress", I (or the speaker, technically) was wearing a pink lace dress while my date (the "you" in the poem) wore a black velvet dress.

The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris