Young Writers Society

Hi! This is a really unique poem and I'm excited to be able to provide some feedback. I'm pretty new to the site, so I'm not sure exactly what reviews usually look like. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments!

You have a very nuanced tone to this poem. The first time I read it, I thought i was just cute and fluffy. The second time I read it, there seemed to be a few threads of a darker story adding a little depth to the poem. The unique descriptions and the idea of "i don't let go, we don't let go" hints at a deeper story.

In the places you use descriptions like "delicate bones and solid lace," those are descriptions we don't hear very often that sound a little bit darker and lend contrast to the rest of the poem.

I'd love to see those themes expanded further - what does this night mean to her? Is there an almost bittersweet element that you could pull out further? What's the rest of the story?

Another thing I'd suggest is consistency in the technical aspects of your poem. In a few places, you're using commas and periods, but in others you're leaving them out. Is this intentional to the tone of the poem? If not, I'd suggest choosing one method (either with punctuation or without) and sticking to it.

The repetition in this poem makes it read with a very lyrical flow. It's easy to follow along as a reader. It might be interesting if you experimented a little bit with rhythm and flow by adding lines, breaking the long body of your poem into stanzas, or breaking up a few of the longer lines to see how that changes the tone of the poem.

Totally up to you, but I always like to go through poetry submitted to my journal and make at least three different versions of the line breaks. The first one is just how it was submitted, the second one is with more line breaks, and the third one is with fewer line breaks. Then I read the pieces out loud. Sometimes it's amazing how the message of the poem can come across more or less powerfully depending on just where the reader is pausing.

Great job on this poem! I can't wait to see what you do with it next. As I said, feel free to let me know if you have any questions on my feedback - I'm more than happy to discuss the poem further!

Hi anneonomus! I saw your poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

First off, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the site (or this review), feel free to ask

I think this is a sweet and elegant poem. The language you use is simple and intimate, which works really well for the subject. Similarly, I really love your choice to keep everything lowercase - it gives the work a familiar feel, like it is addressed directly to the person the narrator loves.

One little stylistic thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. (Which is totally your choice as the poet, so if you disagree with anything I'm about to say feel free to disregard it!) Right now, you use punctuation in three lines:

it's pink.

brown hair, brown eyes

it's pink.

when the song ends you don’t let go

i don’t let go

we don’t let go

when the song ends you

don’t let go

i don’t let go

we don’t let go

brown hair, brown eyes,

brown freckles mapped across your cheeks

brown hair,

brown eyes,

brown freckles

mapped across your cheeks

Hiya! I'm penn. I admit I'm new at this, but I'll try my best at something approaching a review instead of me gushing over the feelings this gives me.

This is easily a very beautiful picture you've created around these two. I admit, I was a little confused at first regarding the first line "Pink' and "the night is your black velvet dress," but that might be my own fault. The description of our speaker and the subject of their affection leads to a very humble love that easily makes me smile. It easily becomes a beloved story/poem that tells its story clearly. I like it.