Gears

Hello, its SecreteJournalist here for a review And since I follow everybody I review, consider yourself followed .

Since everybody has mainly corrected what I see mistake wise, I wont mention most of them. I do not really understand the use of bold, but for some reason, it kinda suits this poem. This poem, if I was not listening to a remix and reviewing, this poem would of most definitely given me goosebumps. This is the kind of writing I get jealous of . Thats about it, I cant really correct anything, I don't want to copy. But really, you did great. Please write more soon, I absolutely love it!

Hey, I do love me some poetry! So I am going to review this!

I go from stanza to stanza.

First Stanza:

"My head spins and screws in tight
'Til they stretch a smile upon my face." -- It just jumps from taking about a gate to your head, which is fine, interesting even, but when you said it stretched a smile upon your face I don't think you meant the gate. Or your head but if so, then maybe try to write it in a better organized way where it would be easy to notice. With that said though this was pretty interesting and a good start if you mean to captivate.

Second Stanza: I am editing/revising the whole stanza. Watch out for the bold which are things that I've changed that are significant:

"Out of self,
out of mind,
out of worry,
I crawl.
Fingers fumble for the clothes,
That will push me to the background
Using the dreary grey it shows." -- "shows" and "clothes" rhyme as well and I personally think that woks better. Personification is cool, but personally sometimes poetry just needs to go with the "flow" haha. And in your "flow" I think that it goes better when shortened with just "shows". As for this Stanza in general, it is written really well. I know how to connect with the person in this second stanza, wanting to just be hidden, and to blend it.

Third Stanza:

Out of sight, now I am in the world,
An invisible stamp on my skin.
It says to them, louder than words,
“I’ll not trouble, nor harm, nor sin.” -- So I just added some commas here and there for you. I think that this stanza is quite interesting. That a unique way of looking at it. That if one is invisible it means that they are not seen. I haven't thought of that before, so that's a great new insight!

Fourth Stanza: Wow. Just wow.

Fifth Stanza: Okay, so this stanza has revealed something to me. It has told me of what it is going on. According to what I have read I believe that the person has been controlled? And is being controlled to be hidden. So this isn't a personal choice?

Sixth Stanza:

"If I remembered, then I could tell you
That they have to hold me down." -- I just have one advice for this stanza and that would be that you should change the "If I remembered," part, because this is being written from first person, so the person would have to had remembered. At least I think so. I mean, logically, but then since this is about a different type of world? I still think it's important though that you try to see a way to change that first line.

Seventh Stanza: This was a really good stanza, I would say second best to the fourth one. Just don't forget the comma after the word "gears." I have no edits other than that.

So overall, it took me a while to get it, but I guess that's cause I was reading stanza to stanza instead of reading the whole thing first (which I do, do sometimes) but I was so interest I just decided to go ahead and start writing my thoughts. So, it's really good, a kind of "Giver" world, like a dystopia. And the way you wrote some of those lines, man! They almost gave me goosebumps, so deep, and well written. A suggestion I have for the beginning would be to put emphasis on "they" (in the first stanza) so the reader knows it's really a "they" because that confused me a bit in the beginning. But that's it.

Great Job!

-- Keep on Dreaming on!

Oooh! This was fantastic! Is this about sweatshops? because I wrote a poem that sounds sort of like that.
Your descriptions were really good. Vivid even. I especially like the part where you said
" I shriek at the drill, the screws, the pins,
As the gears wind back around.
Injected thoughts pump through my ears,
My head chopped with stitches shown.
They wind me up then reset the gears
‘Til I next have thoughts of my own."
This shows really nicely how some people don't really have the freedom of thought. it is a really powerful message that you have here. Your word choice was exceptional, like when you said "dreary gray."
I don't know what to tell you to fix, because I was so astounded by the beauty of your piece.
Really great job! Keep writing!

Hello there ! Speakerskat here to review for the Tsunami Tyrants!

Reeminds me of a horor Dystopian government! Like "The Hunger Games", "Divergent", or "Matched" was hit by a train of sick demonted zombie tyrants or something. THAT WAS A COMPLIMENT!

It really painted a vivid image in my mind of someone in a struggle trying to figure out what is what, brainwashed yet they have mysterious scars, intreging. You turned a whole book into a few stanzas amazingly well! Your punctuation was superb throughout.
You are right up there with the best of them, and I'm still here with my novice/rookie spelling and ideas acting like I know it all writing you a review. It was very creepy and made me wonder what my life would be like without freedom... *shudders*

Keep it up

Heya thar! Black here for a review day Review!

So, first off! ANOTHER impressive piece (I'm running into so many today). You have a powerful theme, powerful wording, and a very interesting style of writing. Using the clock for all those comparisons is truly impressive. I really suck at themes (I can't really pin down exactly what you're trying to say here), and poetry in general, but I can still appreciate this piece.

Your weak points are, luckily, few and small. Mainly your problem is in your punctuation, capitalization, and pace. I'll try to show you exactly what I mean . . . So first, capitalization.

Writing poetry such as this (Kinda narrative style) is a lot like writing any old kind of paragraph! You use the same capitalization. Point being that you don't have to capitalize the first letter of EVERY sentence. Only the ones with periods preceding. A capital letter usually signifies a noun or the beginning of a new sentence. In most cases I assume that this is not what you mean.

Now for punctuation. Really your punctuation isn't technically incorrect, but it has aspects to it that make reading this piece VERY hard. Let me show you.

Out of self, out of mind, out of worry

I crawl. Fingers fumble for clothes

That will push me to the background

Using the dreary grey they chose.

Hey there!

This is a great poem! The ideas and thoughts are both interesting and engaging, and the whole work is clearly well-thought out. I had very few qualms with anything, only with a few rhythmic issues in the first few stanzas. The rhyme scheme was clever and integrated well with the rest of the poem.
As for the rhythm issue, it's really very small. It's simply a change in the flow of the poem between the first and second stanzas, which is a bit jarring, even when reading. When I read the work out loud, it was more prounounced. It's resolved by the next few stanzas, which all match, but having such a shift at the beginning is noticeable.

Other than that, awesome poem!

Reddy

At first I didn't notice the rhyming scheme. In the first two stanzas, I would recommend try fixing the flow and rhythm. Overall however, in the last five stanzas, the flow of everything is awesome!

I enjoyed the depth and thought put into piece very much!

This review is probably too superficial like the ones my teachers give me, so I'm posting as not a review.