And after waiting for so long,
he can finally breathe out.
He smiles and looks to the yellow horizon
But blood begins to drip, drip from the sky,
the tree becomes a face and he asks himself
'What is going on,
You said I could trust you.'
Yes, betrayal is a funny thing, don't you think?'
His master smiles, he takes another soul today.
Laughter pierces the sky, a syringe lies dirty on the floor,
and a boy struggles
Colours fill the atmosphere,
balloons float up into space.
and the Vampires sing,
impressed upon silver
So, All the doors are closed,
As he drops his heart, the keys fall to the floor
The world swallows his breath, it takes it away
Whats going to happen now?
'I want you to stay'
He looks to the side,
White love starts to shine
His eyes like fire, His voice like rushing waters
'We're not done here, Just follow me now,
'Their broken lives are healed, you just need to show them how'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I think it's a little confusing, but that might be because I don't know that much about vampires. I don't think you should start the poem with "and". The way you broke the stanzas up is a little messy, with the first and last being so long and middle one only two lines. I don't think you should've capitalized vampires in the middle stanza, though, again I don't know that much about vampires. It's a very dramatic poem, and it's only a LITTLE confusing.
This is beautifully written but, i'll be honest, to me, it reads more like prose than poetry. Perhaps because of the amount of speech throughout? But please, don't take that as too much of a negative; like i said, it's a beautiful idea and the images you create are enchanting.
There're a few grammatical errors (missing speech marks and capitals), but i think you can spot them- they might just be typos. There are some places where i think you over explain yourself:
Here, i feel that shortening the line would help to continue the flow of the poem- the extra words aren't needed; they don't add anything to the meaning!
Here, the latter half of the sentence is already implied by the first. The repetition seems to slow the poem down a little at such a crucial point.
I hope you don't think i'm being too critical- it's just my opinion, ignore it entirely if you'd prefer!I just think that some redrafting after putting it aside could really make this piece shine.