Were you born to feel imprisoned,
And drown in darkness?
Were you born to feel guilt,
And carry the burden of pain?
Were you born to despise,
And turn your back on the unforgiven?
Were you born to doubt your own strength
And be crushed by demons?
Because, my beloved child,
You were born to spread your wings,
And soar through the winds of life.
You were born to try your hardest,
And achieve the unachievable.
You were born to love,
And protect those around you.
You were born to be an example,
And have a soul of crystal light.
So ask and you shall receive,
Seek and you shall find,
Knock, and the door of life
Will be opened to you.
For you were born to be a winner.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya, I'm TheNewHero and I'm Heeer(o) to review your poem.
I'll start with just a few key points:
The repetition was clearly visible and while it didn't necessarily hurt the poem that badly, you have to really ask yourself if you want it to be so.
Your poem felt list-like, so at times you were reading and trying to keep all the facts. It's like cramming for a simple addition test, how do you do it?
What I liked about your poem was your great sense of imagery. Beautiful words, my friend. I suggest you really expand upon this... religious poems ('cept rants) usually do do well with exaggerated symbolism and imagery.
Apart from those, I just want to say this: Unfortunately, this poem, while pretty good, brings to mind the words, 'Easier said than done'. Yes I do think that you did a pretty good job of telling us that we shouldn't be sad and grumpy all the time, but once again, easier said than done. And we should be examples - easier said than done. And it sounds like the excuse of a lazy person to not work, but it's true.
Now the reason I said this was because the first stanza tells the reader their not meant to feel sad, but you know they will regardless. And if this poem is that powerful, then they'll regret feeling annoyed and sad and feel guilty and feel as if God were disappointed that they were guilty... etc. And while this poem is a call to responsibility over your emotions, be very careful... if I'd read this a few days ago, I'd take the message and run with it, it would be really encouraging. But only the second stanza. The audience you are writing to are hungry for help, and to be told they're stars. It's not their fault they're depressed. So adjust this poem to be more specific. Are you telling us we shouldn't be bad examples (As in the first stanza) or that we're stars(As in the second)?
Well those are my thoughts. Thanks for the awesome read, Joel Osteen.
Your fellow YWSer,
TheNewHero
Hello!
I think this is a nice idea for a poem and the length of this poem seems just right.
To get the grammar out of the way, there doesn't really need to be a comma where I colored it red after "deeper".
I really like the second stanza because it seems worded well and flows nicely. Also, I especially like the last line of the second stanza, "And have a soul of crystal light".
The third stanza is great because of the way you fit in that Bible verse and how it just goes with the poem. The only problem I have with this poem is the very last line, "For you were born to be a winner". Throughout the poem, I got the impression of don't be selfish, help others, be kind, be your own person, and nice things like that. Saying "you were born to be a winner" sounds opposite of all the things I thought this poem was saying. In my opinion, just the word "winner" doesn't fit. Unless you meant "winner" like a winner at life or something like that. So, that's the only thing I thought stuck out of this poem, but that's just my opinion
Great work and keep on writing!