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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Firedancer here to review your errr lovely poem. Just a quick note but I really like your avatar. Very cute and comical ^-^
I feel as if you should structure your poem a bit better. What I mean is put rhyming couplets together such as this:
Smother all the birds with you steamy turds!
Watch them squack from the mushy mush.
Let them taste the gross from my tushy tush.
They will try to fly, and some will try to run!
- Don't let them get away because it's too much fun!
Corn poop, Peanut poop and green bean surprise,
Dinner will be ready just before sunrise!
A complete meal for all the birds,
eat up my pretties.. these are quality turds! LOL
It just makes it a little bit easier on the eyes.
Another subject that I want to bring up is have you noticed that in most rhyming poems, a poet will try to have the same amount of syllables in each stanza? It helps the poem to flow better and to roll of the tongue easier. You should try it. I feel like this would be a very funny poem if you did.
For example the two rhyming couplets: Corn poop, Peanut poop and green bean surprise,
Dinner will be ready just before sunrise!
The first stanza has nine syllables and the second one eleven. If you change the words to have the same amount of syllables it will be a big difference trust me.
It is always nice to see a poem that rhymes, as they are my favorite kind. However I don't think this poem quite is, purely because of your subject matter, nonetheless I think you keep writing because practice makes perfect.
Hello there Anna! Dogs here once again with your review today. Random minor note, but if you recognize the grammar errors you have, why not fix them? Anywho, on to ze review. Really interesting topic you chose here, again I do have the same note about the spacing as I stated in the last review. You really need to put this in some stanzas to make a more poetic feel. The one giant paragraph doesn't work that well for you in terms of efficiently getting your point across to the reader.
On another note, a few things to say: Firstly, never ever ever use such a mainstream acronym such as "LOL" in poetry, unless you're using it as a subject of discussion and theme in your poem, for which case it doesn't work in your writing here.
Secondly, what is the purpose of this poem? What 'humorous' things happen other than poop being smothered on birds. Which I would describe as cruel and sadistic rather than 'funny.' What about the poop covering the birds make this piece 'funny?' As a side note, usually in comical writing poops are 'gross' and should usually be stayed away from, but farts are usually a huge source of humor. Of course that's all up for interpretation.
So in this humor piece you really need to expand upon what makes it funny, describe to the audience how it is funny rather poetically which I'm sure you're quite good at. I did find the last line "these are quality turds" somewhat humorous, but in comparison to the rest of the piece, it really comes across as perturbing. You could make this a horror piece easily but adjusting some things if you wish. I think this writing needs some work, but with some edits it could be rather amazing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I am only interested in posting it as is. I like other people to perceive it how they will....