Chapter 1
Jamie was a dreamer. She had an imagination unlike any other to enter this world. She had blue eyes, brown hair, she was in the 4th grade. Many writers claim that reading is what gave them imagination. With Jamie, that wasn't true. Jamie didn't read any more than the next kid. She could enter a world all her own without any special help. Jamie was special.
Recess was repetitive. Jamie would sit outside in the grass while the other children ran about and played tag and soccer. She would sit there and think. After a while of thinking, a story would begin forming in her mind. Eventually Jamie would start telling the story aloud to no one in particular. One student would hear her story and would sit down to listen. This signaled all the other students to come over and listen to. Jamie's classmates loved her stories. Jamie would continue through her stories, not realizing that she had an audience. By the end of recess, there was not a single soul on the swings. Nothing but the wind slid down the slide. Everyone was listening. The teachers would blow the whistle, signaling that it was time to return to their studies and Jamie would look up. With this glance, her eyes would widen with suprise and the entire population of the 4th grade would break out in applause and laughter. Jamie was loved.
Jamie told these stories day after day, and nothing really changed, but it did change things for Trina. Trina was 21, she had hazel eyes, and brown hair that possessed a red tint. She was in college and she was majoring in English. Her minor was teaching. Trina was currently taking a semester away from school so she could come up with the money to finish her degree. She earned this money by substituting.
Trina wanted to write novels as an english major but she didn't have any inspriation. She loved fantasy and science fiction but she was so...so...common. She didn't have many creative thoughts. Jamie did and it just so happens that Trina was a substitute for Jamie's teacher.
Jamie fascinated Trina. Here was this child with so many dreams, thoughts, and ideas. Jamie was shy but not in the same way the Trina was. Jamie had friends...no...fans, and Trina was over looked. No one took the time to greet her when she entered the doors of school. Her fellow teachers continued their conversations with their friends. Trina was alone.
Trina took Jamie's class out to recess and stood in awe at the scene that occured before her. Jamie was alone, and then the students gathered around to hear Jamie release another wild tale of heroes and villains. Even Trina was transfixed by the complex descriptions of distant settings previously unknown by the human mind. Trina felt ashamed that a 4th grader could tell these fiery tales while a lonely college student could do nothing but gape at the wonderful scenes the flourished within her mind's eye.
Trina took her pay at the end of the day and rushed home. She was confused...not confused but lost. She didn't know what to do or where to go. She couldn't get that story out of her head. It made her frantic. She rushed about her apartment and tried to preoccupy herself. It didn't do any good. She rushed about more until she came to a dead stop, slammed her fists upon the kitchen table and let out a sigh of weariness. She sobbed out, "If only Imagination hadn't forgotten to give me the gift!" and then she laid down on the sofa and fell to sleep. Her dreams were filled with the images of brave heroes and the fields that filled her mind with wonder. She was in the story. And then, the villain arose from the darkness and swooped down towards her. She let out a scream and awoke from the terrible dream.
The microwave clock read 9:30 AM and Trina hopped out of bed in a hurry only to realize that it was Saturday. She took a steaming soak in the tub, dried off, and was dressed by 11:45. She stepped outside her door and glanced upwards from the front steps. Her jaw dropped. She in some strange town that looked as if it came from a science fiction movie about the future. This movie had very good special effects. her house was pure white and rounded off so that it looked like three bubbles that were squeezed close enough together that they wouldn't pop, every house looked this way only they were made up of more or less bubbles. There were very few cars, the looked like flattened bubbles, and they hovered a few feet above the ground. There were many people walking only they were dressed as if time had gone backwards. They wore robes and breeches rather than jeans and t-shirts, the women wore either dresses or very long tunics with breeches underneath.
Trina was amazed and she began walking as if everything was the same. She couldn't think, she just followed her normal routine even though people pointed and laughed at her attire, she continued walking as she did everyday. She came across many shops. One such shop looked had a sign that read, "Imagination's Office". Being someone who desired creativity, she stepped inside. The store was filled with items that seemed like they would come from a fairy tale. Fairy dust, prisms, and all sorts of magical items filled the inside of the shop's shelves. At the back end of the shop was a counter and on that counter sat a little furry creature. The creature looked up at Trina and inquired, "Yes, can I help you?". Trina was startled at the fact that the creature had spoken but she slowly began nodding. "Yes, I saw the sign and...Imagination can't really have an office, I mean...it not a real thing, right? It was now the creatures turn to stand and gape in awe at Trina.
"What do you mean he's not real, I've worked for him for over five years now? Of course he's real. He's the most well known wizard in all of Calpria!
"He? Calpria?" Trina was thoroughly confused, "what do you mean?"
"Oh, you must be the one he said was coming...right this way," The creature led the dazed Trina around the counter and into a backroom, "Just follow those upstairs...thats where he'll be seeing you today." Trina stood and the bottom of the stairs until the creature gave her a nudge and then she began climbing the dusty staircase. She arrived at the top and stopped to look about her. There were shimmering glassy orbs floating around the room. Spirals of sparkling ribbon circled Trina overhead. Trina noticed a screatching noise and found that it was a quill pen. It was writing somthing, but...no one was controlling it. The quill scribbled away as Trina stared. Then the quill stopped and began floating over towards Trina.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I really like the plot. It's very interesting and ensnares the reader to continue reading.
I enjoy your writing style; it's fresh and new and easily read with a bit of briskness in it.
However, I do agree that you may not want to put too much information about Jamie in the first paragraph - however, I'm not sure how Jamie appears in the story so I cannot say too much.
Other than that, the story has a great amount of potential, and I'd love to continue to read to find out what happens to Trina.
Hello, Anja, and welcome to YWS. I know you're new, but please don't post so many message begging for reviewers. It clutters the forum and turns many potential readers away.
On to your story. So, I read it. It has potential, but I have some suggestions for you. I am going to start by pulling out your first paragraph...
Ah! You're telling me everything. You've just told me Jamie's personality, her appearance, her grade... all this information! And, while this may be fascinating to you, I , a reader who has just picked up this story and am expecting something great, do not care. You see, when readers read, we form our own ideas and impressions of the characters and when you tell us all this, you steal that satisfaction from us. It is better that you show us these things through your character than tell. Along with boring the reader, teling stunts your character development. All we know about the character is what you have told us, and in that case, it is impossible for us to relate to the character. So, show us who Jamie is, and only tell on the rare occasion that it is absolutely necessary
It's the difference between saying 'George likes brown muffins' and 'George threw the blue muffin across the room and devoured the brown one.' (okay, so that is possibly the lamest example I have ever given, but hopefully you get the point) Which one gives you a better idea of the character?
I also want to talk about uniform sentence structure. While reading this, I noticed you use very uniform sentence structure. Try graphing the first few sentences of your chapter, and you will see the repetitive structure. So, why is this bad? First, it makes some of your writing sound like a grocery list. Second, it disinterests the reader. Not very appealing, huh? I agree. So, what can you do to fix it? Play with preposition phrases and clauses to vary your sentence structure. I also suggest reading and seeing how other authors present their sentences.
Don't think your writing is awful or anything; I can be a harsh critiquer, and I'm not trying to bash you or your writing style. Just trying to help out. Again, welcome to YWS, and I hope all us writers on here can help you improve. Keep writing and PM me if you ever need anything.
Please rate it someday soon!
Darn...still no one rates it...
Please?
PLEASE RATE IT! Anyways...what are these point thingies I keep on getting?
PLEASE RATE IT! PLEASE RATE IT!
I'm just wondering what you think of the first draft...