the drums in my head
reflect in my heart
and each strum of my guitar
only leads me so far
going back and forth
away from you
and back to who
we used to be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, yo, Anja84! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
Well, I enjoyed this. I'm not that sure what to overall think of it, but I liked it. It was short and sweet. The lines were fluent and pieced together well. No over exaggerated word choice or the attempt to push all romantic words to a fault.
What I liked about this is the comparison of heavy metal to the romance of a couple. How it starts off with some peaceful strings, then gradually intensifies as time goes. I honestly never seen this comparison before. I mean, "sweet guitar strings pluck like you do to my heart" we've all seen that. Not only do you toss in something more original, but you pack it short. You don't go over the top like your name is Sylvester Stallone.
The emotion of it, felt somewhat heartless. I understand how the narrator can be scorned or confused or just depressed, but it's one of those poems. The poem that takes a deeper side yet doesn't care to explain some stuff. You just approach it with somewhat of an artistic idea about romance, but it feels insecure to be honest. Just, it doesn't explain what needs to be explain.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you..
8.4/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Hey there, anja94! Scarlett here to review your poetry!
This is a cute little poem. Very short and very simple, and very much straight to the point. I like the title you've used. It feels very fitting, and I love the imagery you've given me. The drums and the guitar. It has a very musical feel to it, and I love that.
I can't choose a single line I love best, though I really do like this part;
It feels very fitting. The rest seemed to just fade, and I'm not sure if that was your intention or not. If it's not, I can suggest trying to edit it and give it a bit more umph! If you know what I mean? It also feels like it might have been cut a little bit short. Again, I don't know if this was intentional or not. If it was, ignore this. If it wasn't, I highly recommend you fiddle a bit. It could turn out even better and I'm very willing to come back and read a revamped version! Let me know if you ever do rewrite this. <3
And that's about it from me. I can't help any more than I already have. I hope this helped you. And remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
by Team Rocket.
the one complaint I have is that black metal is usually more emotional than heavy metal, so the title isn't quite as appropriate as it should be
*sits atop high chair of genrepickyness*
haha, sorry - I'm not too familiar with the whole genre. I was just listening to Led Zeppelin (which is heavy metal) and it inspired me to write this, just brought out all kinds of feelings. since LZ is heavy metal, I decided on that name. Thanks for your comment!
no problem haha, I was joking.
RoyalHighness has arrived to review your very first post!
Well, first off, great job on the metaphor of the drums reflecting a heartbeat. It's a little cliched but you made that cliche new in one little word: "reflect." Most people would write "drums like a heartbeat," or "heartbeat drummer," or something sappy and cheesy but you made something simple into something elegant with a single word. Be proud!
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Anyone who knows me knows I ADORE new people so if you ever need anything at all- points, gifts, reviews, likes, comments, a hug, a dinosaur but only on tuesdays– just message me!
Alright, let's get started!
The One and Only Nitpick
Spoiler
So this poem in and of itself is short and powerful, like an uppercut or a swift kick to the abdomen.
The nitpick here is in the line "going back and forth." This line makes the one-sentence poem a run-on sentence, and it doesn't flow with the first half of the poem. If you'd like to fix this, I'd suggest either punctuating "far," or adding a conjunction between "far," and "going." Just a thought, a suggestion, a recommendation, not an obligation.
Content
Spoiler
I don't really get the connection between strumming a guitar and leading somebody "so far," but I'm sure it's a guitarist thing. I'm a pianist myself so perhaps I'm just not cool enough to make that connection.
I like the ending; I'm a big fan of phrases like "who we used to be," and "who we were," and "what we once were," and things of that nature. Lines like these leave me with a feeling of loss and emptiness, which are both strong emotions and probably the emotions you meant to bring out. Great job on making me sad, is basically what I'm trying to say.
Conclusion
The Lord knows my first post on YWS wasn't nearly as good as this one, so for your very first post, I shall award you a solid and significant eight stars out of ten! Great job!
hey & thank you so much! I will see what I can do about the flow of that one line. by 'only leads me so far' I meant that even though playing the guitar is great distraction/therapy etc., but it only leads me so far and can't really make the pain go away. instead i keep "going back and forth" etc.
Again, thanks so much! I appreciate your review!
Ah! *understands* Thank you for clearing that up! And any time, dear
Hey there! I'm here to review this poem because of the title \m/. Before I say anything about it, I have to thank you for returning my hope that someone on this page actually listens to heavy metal (or am I wrong?).
.
"the drums in my head
reflect in my heart"
That's exactly what I wanted to write someday as a teenager when I started to listen to heavy metal, but I guess this idea is already used by you
Then the whole poem got me confused with this "you and I" thing. I'm probably stupid and don't quite understand it but I hope there's some abstract point at these last few lines. Anyway, you can write and you have talent, that's for sure. I'd like to read more from you especially with themes like this. Keep writing and stay metal! (If you are... as I said, I'm probably wrong)
~Bard
hey! thank you so much for your review!
actually, I do listen to some heavy metal, but just artists like Alice Cooper, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith etc. ...
I don't know if you wanted me to explain it to you by saying that the whole "you and I thing" confused you, so I'm just going to go ahead and do it haha! "going away from you" because the person has changed so much over time it is damaging "and back to who we used to be" so rather holding on to the memories of how the 'you' and 'I' used to be together. which doesn't make it less painful, but love doesn't really make sense anyways, does it? I hope this helped and didn't just confuse you more. Thank you so much for your kind words!
No, I think I get it
Thank you for the poem!